Let's Play Homestuck

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Act 5 Act 2: He Is Already Here.

Part 7: Legendary Piece of Shit

Link back to comic: Page 2793



Server acquired! Now, to connect to Jade and--



BOOF



JOHN: nanna, what the heck!!!
NANNASPRITE: Hoo hoo hoo!
NANNASPRITE: John, you remind me so much of your father when he was your age. He was just as easily bested by this crafty old prankstress!
JOHN: but nanna, did you know he is not really my dad? and also, i am not technically your grandson.
NANNASPRITE: Of course I knew this, John! I have known for many years.
NANNASPRITE: I have also known that in a sense, you are my father as well. You were the one to push all those buttons, after all!
JOHN: so where have you been, nanna? i have been looking all over for you.
NANNASPRITE: I have been looking for you too, dear! It seems you have been rising through the rungs of your echeladder quite swiftly.
JOHN: yeah!
JOHN: now i am an ectobiolo...
JOHN: ectobioblobabby sitter.
NANNASPRITE: Yes, that is quite high. You have climbed so much faster than I did in my youth. I am so proud of you!
NANNASPRITE: Here, John. Take this.



JOHN: ok. what is it?
NANNASPRITE: You can use it to summon me wherever you go.
NANNASPRITE: Now we needn't endure those long spells without a good visit!
NANNASPRITE: When was the last time you have eaten anything, young man??
JOHN: hmm, i guess it has been a good while!
NANNASPRITE: That is completely unacceptable.
NANNASPRITE: I will prepare you a healthy home cooked meal while you relax in your ghost bed and rescue your paradox sister.
JOHN: oh boy!
NANNASPRITE: Why, John! Do you hear that sound?
NANNASPRITE: It sounds as if your meal is nearly finished!
JOHN: really? already?



JOHN: naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!
NANNASPRITE: HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOO!

---

-- caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --


CA: wwho are you tryin to convvince wwith this ludicrous poppycock
CA: magic is NOT REAL
CA: so howw about you get off your high skyhorse

TT: Why do you keep addressing me as if I'm some sort of spokesperson for the reality of magic?
TT: Fine. You win.
TT: These are science wands. I am a charlatan.

CA: ok i didnt say that
CA: i think you wwear the role pretty wwell wwhich is somethin i can appreciate
CA: obvviously you got rich blood so maybe when you crash landed you wwerent recognized for it by wwhatevver vvehicle upholds the class structure in human society

TT: That is exactly what happened. You figured it out.

CA: see i got a lot a experience bein nobility so ill let you knoww if you got a shot in hell at cuttin it pinkscarf
CA: fakemage pinkscarf howw does that sound

TT: You're a complete idiot.

CA: see this is good i think this could be a good thing
CA: you obvviously hate me and i think i got it in me to get the dark propensities smolderin
CA: i think theres somethin there i mean look at howw you evven came into the wworld
CA: killed a fuckin fuck ton of marine life accidental

TT: Accidentally?
TT: Or on porpoise?

CA: hahahahaha see youre good wwith fish puns too i got so many a those you havve no idea
CA: i mean i dont mean to strike you as too forwwardsuch but are you seein wwhere im goin wwith this

TT: Oh, right. Alien romance, I forgot.
TT: Pass.

CA: look i understand you dont understand that kind of thing in your culture i get that
CA: but maybe i could teach you to get it
CA: yeah and in return maybe you could teach me howw to bullshit magic like that

TT: Sure. Let's begin.
TT: Consider this your first lesson in showmanship.



caligulasAquarium's [CA's] computer exploded.



-- apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --


AA: what d0 y0u think y0ure d0ing!
AA: just st0p
AA: st0p st0p st0p st0p st0p st0p
AA: maybe if i say st0p en0ugh s0mething else will happen instead 0f the thing that d0es

TT: Do you want me to stop using magic too?

AA: n0 i d0nt care ab0ut that
AA: its y0ur quest t0 tear y0ur sessi0n apart
AA: i kn0w its exciting
AA: but there are c0nsequences t0 hum0ring y0ur destructive impulses

TT: You sound frustrated.
TT: Like you know you can't change my mind.

AA: the kn0wing is the same as this elusive feeling 0f sickness thats been with me f0r years
AA: pr0bably since bef0re i died c0me t0 think 0f it
AA: i just wish
AA: back when i was behaving recklessly
AA: i had s0me0ne t0 tell me t0 st0p listening

TT: What did they tell you?

AA: i was assured i w0uld be saving my race
AA: which is maybe still true i d0nt kn0w
AA: y0u really d0nt understand anything yet d0 y0u
AA: what d0 y0u want with the s0urce 0f the first guardians

TT: Do you know about it?
TT: The sun?

AA: y0u cant p0ssibly wield its energy 0r put it t0 c0nstructive use

TT: How do you know that?

AA: n0!
AA: im thr0ugh with c0nsci0usly c0ntributing t0 inevitable 0utc0mes
AA: maybe the things i say will indirectly trigger y0ur critical acti0ns
AA: maybe n0t wh0 kn0ws
AA: maybe if i behave in a manner s0 rand0m
AA: parad0x space w0nt kn0w h0w t0 handle it!
AA: blah BL00P blee BLUH!@#$%^&*()_+
AA: didnt see that 0ne c0ming did y0u pspace??? + ?*rand(413^612)
AA: oh look and now i suddenly refuse to type zeroes in my sentences
AA: isnt that crazy! who thought that was even a possibility
AA: bslick never would have imagined THAT little vestibule of probability was tucked somewhere in his huge glistening blow sack

TT: O_O

AA: 0h w0w im sure y0u were just being faceti0us with that but y0u have n0 idea h0w funny that is right n0w
AA: y0u had n0 way 0f kn0wing thats a thing i d0 all the time but with zer0es
AA: maybe if i dig deep en0ugh int0 my circuitry and rer0ute all 0f my reserve p0wer thr0ugh my quantum based rand0m number generat0r i can pr0duce behavi0r s0 c0mpletely 0ff the wall that parad0x space will have n0 ch0ice but t0 change everything!
AA: maybe i will also rig my p0wer s0urce t0 the 0utc0me 0f the functi0n and rand0mly bl0w myself up!
AA: really*rand(rand(rand(rand(rand(0M)*0M)*0M)*0M)*0M) where 0M = s0me number drawn quite at rand0m fr0m 0ne 0f y0ur absurd human hats
AA: !~M~0~D~N~A~R
AA: g00dbye r0se

TT: Wait, don't go!
TT: You were actually interesting.

-- apocalypseArisen [AA] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --



-- arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --


AC: :33 < pst :oo
AC: :33 < sorry to bother you again!
AC: :33 < is
AC: :33 < um
AC: :33 < he available?

TT: What is the name of this mystery fellow you seek?

AC: :33 < aaaaa youre just teasing me now!
AC: :33 < i f33l bad about bugging you about it
AC: :33 < but do you think you could purrhaps please spare your computer for just the most fl33ting of moments?
AC: :33 < i miss pounce a lot :((
AC: :33 < and talking to him reminds me of her

TT: I think I have a more permanent solution.
TT: I mean purrmanent.



You give Jaspersprite your old laptop. You won't be needing it anymore.



ROSE: Jaspers, I am releasing you now.
ROSE: You are free to go do as you please.
JASPERSPRITE: Really rose ok if thats what you want i will go do that.
JASPERSPRITE: Did you learn to play the rain rose?
ROSE: It's a little complicated, but I believe I've embarked on another quest, one which surpasses the scope of the objectives local to this planet.
ROSE: I'm saying there's something more important to accomplish now. Something more important than creating a universe.
JASPERSPRITE: Oh thats ok rose i wouldnt want you to feel obligated to do that.
JASPERSPRITE: But i really think you should consider going on the quest i said anyway!
JASPERSPRITE: I dont know i hope im not being too pushy rose its not my place to be im just your cat!
JASPERSPRITE: But the thing that made me how i am now seems to really want me to say this to you.
JASPERSPRITE: Your quest is really important for you to do.
JASPERSPRITE: Not really because thats how to get the prize.
JASPERSPRITE: But because its what you need to do for yourself!
ROSE: I see. I promise I will consider it seriously then.
JASPERSPRITE: I love you rose! I always have even when you were a little girl and i was an alive cat.
ROSE: Thanks, Jaspers, that's nice to hear.
ROSE: See you, Jaspers!

---

-- terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling truntechGodhead [TG] --


TC: AlRiGhT My pInKeSt oF MoThErFuCkIn sTaR MoNkEyS
TC: ArE YoU ReAdY
TC: To gEt tHe hOrNs yOu dOnT HaVe
TC: CoNfIsCaTeD AlL LiKe tHe mOtHeRfUcKiN HoNkTrAbAnD ThEy aRe
TC: AnD ThEn
TC: HaNdEd aT RiGhT BaCk tO YoU?

TG: what

TC: I SuPpLy tHe hOrNs tOwArD YoU, mEtApHoRiCaLlY SpEaKiNg
TC: ThAt's kInD Of a tRoLl mEtApHoR
TC: YoU GeTtInG YoUr hOrNs aLl hAnDeD To yOu, If yOu pEePs aNaToMiCaLlY WeRe sUcH To bE LiKe tHaT
TC: DoInG ThAt's tO MeAn lIkE YoU GoT MoThErFuCkIn sAsSeD OuT
TC: Im lIkE DoInG
TC: A DoUbLe mEtApHoR AlL ThE WaY
TC: AcRoSs sKaIa :o)

TG: oh god thats right
TG: you were the best troll
TG: in the most ironic and hilarious ways possible

TC: ShIt, I MuSt hAvE GoT To nOt rEmEmBeRiNg tHiS SoMeHoW

TG: you did your bizarrely oblivious juggalo thing
TG: then bitched and moaned at me for ruining your religion or some horseshit
TG: and we both proceeded to have one of the best rap-offs in the history of paradox space

TC: I MoSt sUrElY wOuLd gEt mY ReMeMbEr oN FoR A BiTcHtItS TiMe hAd lIkE ThAt
TC: My mInD'S NoT ThAt sHaRp nOw tHoUgH, iT'S BeEn aGeS SiNcE I HaD A GoOd pIe

TG: could be time shit

TC: I DoN'T GeT TiMe
TC: I WaSn't tHe dUdE Of tImE
TC: I WaS ThE
TC: ThE MoThErFuCkIn
TC: BaRd oF
TC: FuCk
TC: I FoRgOt :o(

TG: dude i was telling you
TG: youve got to check this out
TG: trust me itll lift your spirits shit will all make sense to you finally

TC: Oh, MaN
TC: ThIs sOuNdS AmAzInG, i cAn't sEe hOw i wOuLdN'T Be aLl kIcKiNg tHe wIcKeD ShIt oUt Of sUcH KiNdS Of oPpOrTuNiTiEs

TG: and also why your planet has faygo for some baffling reason
TG: actually no nevermind it doesnt explain that
TG: that still makes no damn sense
TG: the thing youre looking for
TG: your dark clownish salvation or whatever the fuck
TG: your mirthful messiahs
TG: ahahahaha i cant even type that without lmao
TG: anyway theyre here dude
TG: check it out
TG: http://tinyurl.com/MoThErFuCkInMiRaClEs

TC: :oO



This is



Motherfuckin

---

-- centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling truntechGodhead [TG] --


CT: D --> I'm attempting to determine what it is that ranks humans in their class stru%ure
CT: D --> I'd assumed the color of your b100d would serve as the basis for placement in the hierarchy, as would be e%pected and natural, but I was mistaken
CT: D --> I was similarly in error believing the color of what you type corresponds with the color of your b100d

TG: on earth class is sorted out by who can drop the most delirious flow

CT: D --> So, in other words, a sort of b100d letting ritual
CT: D --> To assess whose pulse is steadiest and thus whose flow is the most STRONG

TG: verbal pulse
TG: rap battles
TG: the kings of wordtech ascend to godhood and look down on us patriarchally like urban watermarks in the sky
TG: this is like
TG: our religion man
TG: til the rapocalypse happened
TG: i still believe though
TG: in my heart so long as it keeps thumping the righteous beat
TG: subwoofing out devotion every which way
TG: that he will come
TG: our savior
TG: was foretold hed come after meteors show up to drop it like its hot

CT: D --> I believe
CT: D --> That this is probably nonsense
CT: D --> Your race makes a habit of deception, and I will not tolerate it
CT: D --> I command that all verbal misdire%ion and hoofbeastplay will cease during my communications, is that understood

TG: if youre gonna spit that kind of bravado at me im just saying put it in rhyme
TG: lets hear what you got tooly mcsnoothole

CT: D --> My poems are private

TG: deprivatize them
TG: take whatevers in there
TG: that brorage lust youre feelin
TG: turn that bitch inside out like a broke ass millionaires pockets

CT: D --> Yes
CT: D --> Those are the sorts of assertive statements which could get me
CT: D --> Flowing

TG: weird but alright
TG: you sound wound up
TG: but my gears are airtight
TG: steer clear a the seer and the knight if youre scared of unfair fights
TG: youll drop like the staircase impaired, seein em spareds a fair fuckin rare sight
TG: for poor eyes like that millionaire whos pockets i mocked earlier
TG: hes paradoxically me but richer and surlier
TG: broke as his sword before his stock picks skyrocketed
TG: worth more than all the chests lockpicked and gold croc bricks and boonbucks i pickpocketed

CT: D --> Perhaps it's that it's martial tacti% that matter for status. Unless you redact this
CT: D --> I'd hazard in practice that it's a glass of what's lactic that would impact this
CT: D --> Pragmatic to presume? A human metric for grandness stands on fondness in honest
CT: D --> For wanton aplomb with strapping song smithing, ripping sonnets of STRONGNESS

TG: still no clue what this shit means but keep going

CT: D --> But perhaps
CT: D --> To divine class divides in unclassified swine is butchering time
CT: D --> Your fauna I find requires too little strength to savage in rhyme
CT: D --> I fear inferiors have monopolized my highest priorities
CT: D --> Let's eschew crude inferiors, pursue nude superiorities
CT: D --> Review z001ogical peculiarities, great stalking enormities
CT: D --> Fle%ing in unison, baying at moons within fraternal sororities

TG: what the fuck

CT: D --> Connect blows to discover, how invincible pecs are
CT: D --> Venture low to uncover, his inimitable nectar

TG: oh god
TG: ok stop

CT: D --> Should song serve to placate one
CT: D --> And fortune holds he lactate some
CT: D --> STRONG hands tugging teat make great ambrosia collectors

TG: ok maybe youre actually the worst troll
TG: im thinking none of that was actually ironic that was all pretty straightup wasnt it
TG: god dammit
TG: fuckin piece of shit sword
TG: wont goddamn budge probably useless anyway

CT: D --> It 100ks to be a legendary weapon

TG: its a legendary piece of shit




CT: D --> Giving up on the treasure so easily
CT: D --> It strikes me as an artifact rooted in universal lore of nobility
CT: D --> Such weapons require finesse to operate
CT: D --> And surely in this case, to retrieve without damaging

TG: ok im kinda starting to wonder why youre bugging me now

CT: D --> E%cessive force will shatter such weapons
CT: D --> You like myself are unfortunately limited in the weaponry you may wield
CT: D --> Ironically the training which has ennobled you beyond others has made instruments of high b100d brittle in your hands

TG: what did you go around breaking a bunch of swords too

CT: D --> Bows

TG: how the fuck do you even wield a broken bow
TG: did you go around clubbing shit with the two halves

CT: D --> Sometimes
CT: D --> What are you doing

TG: bow down before your new king bitch




CT: D --> I think
CT: D --> I need
CT: D --> Something to dry myself off with



-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling truntechGodhead [TG] --


GC: D4V3 GR34T N3WS!
GC: 1 FOUND 4 DR4W1NG T4BL3T

TG: ok
TG: lets see some fine art then

GC: WHY 1T JUST SO H4PP3NS TH4T 1 H4V3 4 FR3SH M4ST3RP13C3 FOR YOU
GC: TSSSSSSSSSSSSSS http://tinyurl.com/D4V3XD4V3

TG: ok that
TG: is every bit as shitty as all your other drawings
TG: i like it though you dont gotta improve
TG: art skills are overrated
TG: its kind of weird though what the hell is actually going on here

GC: 1T 1S TH3 COM1C R3PR3S3NT4T1ON OF TH3 N3XT L3G OF YOUR WOND3RFUL JOURN3Y

TG: yeah
TG: but
TG: why
TG: i mean even if that made sense which it kind of doesnt
TG: karkat was saying how it was all a game and youre just flirtin and stuff

GC: OH, 1S TH4T WH4T H3 S41D???
GC: HMM 1 WOND3R 1F H3 COULD R33K OF J34LOUSY 4NY MOR3 PUNG3NTLY

TG: well yeah thats what i thought too
TG: so is that whats going on
TG: is this some weird game involving flirtation and assassinations or whatever

GC: M444444YB3...
GC: SH33SH!
GC: YOU 4ND H1M 4R3 4L1K3 1N SOM3 W4YS
GC: R34LLY BLUNT 4ND L1T3R4L M1ND3D
GC: 1T T4K3S TH3 FUN OUT OF 3V3RYTH1NG!

TG: thats pretty much the most insulting thing possible to say im anything like that raving gulf of shit

GC: W3LL OK 1M SORT OF 3X4GG3R4T1NG
GC: K4RK4T W4S 4LW4YS TORM3NT3D BY H1S P4ST 4ND FUTUR3 S3LV3S
GC: 4ND TH31R M1ST4K3S
GC: L1T3R4LLY TORM3NT3D BY TH3M 1N TH3S3 4BSURD SCH1ZOPHR3N1C M3MOS

TG: wow ok what does that have to do with me

GC: YOU 4R3 4LW4YS G3TT1NG B41L3D OUT OF J4MS
GC: 4T F1RST BY YOUR BRO
GC: 4ND TH3N BY YOUR OWN FUTUR3 S3LV3S!
GC: WH3N DO3S PR3S3NT D4V3 G3T TO ST3P OUT OF TH3 SH4DOW OF 4LL THOS3 FUTUR3 D4V3S??

TG: fuck who cares
TG: like i even give a shit about being a hero whatever that even means
TG: im not seeing the problem here future me is awesome he can bail me out if he wants

GC: BUT DONT WORRY, ON3 D4Y YOU W1LL G3T TO T4K3 YOUR TURN 4S H3RO!
GC: 4ND ON3 D4Y
GC: YOU W1LL T4K3 OFF THOS3 DUMB GL4SS3S 4ND L3T M3 G3T 4NOTH3R SN1FF 4T YOUR 3Y3S

TG: hey look at this change of subject going down
TG: about this comic
TG: are you saying im about to fall asleep

GC: Y3S
GC: YOU DROP SUDD3NLY 4ND SW1FTLY, L1K3 4N 3X3CUT3D F3LON F4C1NG N4PPY JUST1C3

TG: i dont feel tired
TG: could be rose waking me up again
TG: bonkin me with yarn or some shit
TG: so i guess i have to summon davesprite too

GC: Y3S
GC: WH3N YOU 4R3 4SL33P, SOON 4 HORD3 OF V3RY POW3RFUL MONST3RS W1LL 3M3RG3 FROM TH3 RU1NS
GC: TO D3F3ND TH3 TR34SUR3 YOU H4V3 STOL3N

TG: ok see ya



DAVE: sup
DAVESPRITE: hey
DAVESPRITE: oh looks like you got caledfwlch
DAVE: is that how you pronounce that
DAVE: is this thing as pointless as i think it is or do i need it for something
DAVESPRITE: tactically yeah its a downgrade since its what i used to make caledscratch which is obviously way better
DAVE: fuck it ill just power through the rest of the game with the SORD.....
DAVESPRITE: hahahaha
DAVESPRITE: with unreal air as a mount fit for a true artifact knight
DAVESPRITE: did that shit ever land or what
DAVE: dude its long gone
DAVE: up in skaia now or something
DAVESPRITE: top priority make more
DAVE: so why wasnt this legendary pos in the sylladex you gave me
DAVESPRITE: it was stolen
DAVESPRITE: by one of hephaestus's minions
DAVESPRITE: hes a pretty ornery dude
DAVESPRITE: kept raving about how he was waiting for the forge to come
DAVE: whats the forge
DAVESPRITE: volcano
DAVE: huh
DAVESPRITE: anyway that sword
DAVESPRITE: its important to getting your shit figured out
DAVESPRITE: you were supposed to break it to get it out of the thing
DAVESPRITE: like another personal sort of mythological milestone you were supposed to clear
DAVE: there was no other way to get it out
DAVE: thats kind of retarded
DAVESPRITE: maybe if john was to try with his pure heart and shit it woulda popped out like a champagne cork and fuckin hero confetti woulda blasted him in the face
DAVESPRITE: but you
DAVESPRITE: we
DAVESPRITE: we had to break it
DAVESPRITE: theres a lot more i know about your quest
DAVESPRITE: but i think ill spare you all that crap
DAVESPRITE: cause its kind of boring
DAVE: so hey
DAVE: apparently im about to fall asleep
DAVE: monsters will show up soon and try to eat my sleeping corpse
DAVESPRITE: yeah they werent too happy with my reckless indiana jones bullshit either
DAVESPRITE: i got your back dude dont worry
DAVE: guess ill make myself comfortable here
DAVESPRITE: when you wake up
DAVESPRITE: ill probably get going
DAVESPRITE: go do my own thing
DAVESPRITE: after this i dont think youll need me
DAVE: where will you go
DAVESPRITE: see if i can catch up with bro maybe
DAVE: where do you think he is
DAVESPRITE: who knows
DAVE: ok good luck with that
DAVESPRITE: thanks man



N8p time.



DAVESPRITE: caw caw motherfuckers

NEXT CHAPTER: Jade does things!


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