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Act 5 Act 2: He Is Already Here.

Part 29: Serious Business

Link back to comic: Page 3895

Human session, The Battlefield

fedorafreak: yes. it is as hoped for beyond hope.
fedorafreak: unusual devices may be used to duplicate fresh, perfectly pressed garments. inexhaustibly, afaik.
fedorafreak: reconstructing complete professional ensemble now - hold.
fedorafreak: pleased to report restoration of dapper visage an overwhelming success.
fedorafreak: alas, devices appear to hold no such promise for departed family members, misplaced hand-held steam press.
fedorafreak: made unwelcome determination. production requires expense of glittering abstractions called grist.
fedorafreak: such jewels remaining in cache, libation in reserve, at premium.
fedorafreak: note to self: use spoils to make more hats.
fedorafreak: preparing for expedition to reap gems from mischievous local fauna.
fedorafreak: crafted sturdy bludgeoning instrument out of uprooted mailbox.
fedorafreak: venturing out; powering down gray, serviceable hand-held computing device to preserve battery.
fedorafreak: additional updates to be submitted in a frank and forthright manner for judicious appraisal within a reasonable timeframe.
fedorafreak: tia for patience.

fedorafreak: turning on hand-held device for brief report.
fedorafreak: severe injury sustained in skirmish with undersized, sportive rascal.
fedorafreak: losing fluid rapidly. maintaining adequate hydration levels more important than ever.
fedorafreak: seeking surface suitable for assuming reclined posture.
fedorafreak: strength depleting. tie loosened, removed, rolled up neatly and tucked beneath hat.
fedorafreak: encountered rest surface.
fedorafreak: horizontal stone slab exhibiting unidentified iconography.
fedorafreak: a tall post at each corner.
fedorafreak: mysteriously inviting.
fedorafreak: mounting slab. exhaustion taking hold.
pipefan413: Excuse me, sir!
fedorafreak: @pipefan413, friend.
pipefan413: Oh my, no. I am not actually your friend, dear.
pipefan413: I am his mother! Hoo hoo hoo.
fedorafreak: understood, madame.
pipefan413: You remind me of him so. Would you mind terribly if I talked to you for a little while?
fedorafreak: can imagine no greater pleasure.
fedorafreak: though, eyelids heavy.
fedorafreak: getting dark; feeling in extremities, fading.
pipefan413: Oh, but you must be exhausted from your travels! You poor thing.
pipefan413: Why don't you just lie there and rest? I will tell you a story.
pipefan413: It is a fairy tale about a young sister and brother who were raised by a wicked witch!

pipefan413: The witch in truth was a world famous baking baroness. Her cruelty made life miserable for the two children, who did not have their father anymore to protect them.
pipefan413: He was the greatest prankster who ever lived, and a true southern gentleman. He was killed by a comet on the day the boy was born, and the wicked baroness raised them alone, with a hand as firm as that which she ran her brutal baking empire.
pipefan413: The children pledged to each other that one day they would run away together.
pipefan413: They followed in the footsteps of the dear colonel, in defiance of the old batterwitch. They studied his every jape, and practiced them in secret!
pipefan413: But as they grew older, their interests drifted apart. The boy developed a passion for adventure and put aside his study of practical jokes. He dreamed of wealth and fame and discovery and swore he would wander the world.
pipefan413: One day he decided to run away with the loyal dog he inherited from their father. He asked the girl if she would come along, but she was too scared of the retribution that might follow.
pipefan413: He told his sister that he believed in her, and that she could handle whatever the witch could throw at her. And with that, he was off, and she would never see him again.
pipefan413: The girl surely missed her brother, and soon enough he achieved fame for his exploits. She followed him in the newspapers, the tales of his remarkable discoveries, inventions, and riches. How she wished she could rejoin him, and be free from toiling for the pastry hag!
pipefan413: One day, the girl was able to gather enough bravery to mention her brother to the baroness, and her desire to see him again. With contempt, she guaranteed that this could never happen. When the girl asked why, that is when the baroness began to reveal to her more than just her baking secrets.
pipefan413: She mentioned that like in many fairy tales, there was more to the children's past than they knew. The colonel was not their father, nor was the baroness their mother. They in fact had no father or mother at all, nor were they ever actually born. They had both fallen from the sky! They were not actually brother and sister as they had been told either. Again like in many fairy tales, the truth was that they were always destined to become married one day. They were to have two children, a son and a daughter, and these children were meant to save the world! But the batterwitch was determined to make sure this destiny would never be realized. In her limitless cruelty she would do all in her power to keep them apart for the rest of their lives.
pipefan413: The girl that day swore she would bring down the baroness and her evil empire. She would use the many secrets she'd learned over the years against her, and began carefully plotting her downfall.
pipefan413: Years went by. The girl was nearly ready to put her plan into action. But then, just like that, the baroness disappeared. She was never seen or heard from again.
pipefan413: The girl was finally free, by a strange turn of events. But not without a final jab from the witch. It turned out that in her will she had left the entire company to the boy!
pipefan413: The boy, now a grown man, was already very wealthy in his own right. He had no particular need for the baking empire, but assumed control nonetheless, and integrated the company into his extensive collection of enterprises.
pipefan413: The girl, instead of seeing this as more misfortune, took the news as a relief. She'd just as soon have nothing to do with the witch's empire, and far preferred to pursue her original passion for practical japery. Hoo hoo hoo!
pipefan413: In following years, she was left to ponder all that might have been.
pipefan413: What might have been if there had been no baroness to keep the girl and boy apart?
pipefan413: What might have been if the baroness had not disappeared, and she had the opportunity to use her secrets against her!
pipefan413: For you see, the girl had uncovered so many dirty secrets about the terrible batterwitch, including the most troubling one of all.
pipefan413: She knew the baroness was not human! :B
-- fedorafreak's gray, serviceable hand-held computing device's battery has died. --

Troll session, Alternia, the past

TC: If mOtHeRfUcKiN MaGiC'S AlL We'vE EvEr kNoWn aT
TC: ThEn iT'S EaSy tO Be mIsSiN WhAt bE FuCkIn tHe hApS
TC: BuT I'M AlL ScOpIn aT MiRaClEs tHaT ArE Up iN ThE AiR
TC: GoT My sEe oN Of mIrAcLeS, tHeY'Re hErE AnD ThEy'rE ThErE
TC: I Be cHeCkIn tHe mIrAcLeS WhIlE FaLlInG DoWn sTaIrS
TC: SeEn tHe sHiT OuT A MiRaClEs tHaT ArE AlL BeInG Up aT BaSiCaLlY PrEtTy mUcH EvErYwHeRe, FuCk...
TC: OcEaNs oF FaYgO FuCkIn gLiTtEr lIkE SpAcE
TC: A FiSt fUlL Of sTaRdUsT'S WhAt's pOoFiN My fAcE
TC: A MiLlIoN HoRnS HoNkIn rAcKeTs iN PiLeS
TC: A OnE WhEeL DeViCe wHaT CaN RoCkEt iN StYlE
TC: Is sHiT ThAt wHaT I WiSh fOr
TC: BeCaUsE... (MoThErFuCkIn cHoRuS BrO)
TC: I'M AlL A FiRm bElIeVeR At tHe mIrAcLeS
TC: Do yOu hAvE TiMe fOr mY MiRaClEs, BrOtHeR :o)
TC: Do yOu gEt yOuR NoTiCe oN Of tHe mIrAcLeS
TC: So mAnY FuCkIn mIrAcLeS, tHe mAgIc mOtHeRfUcKiN MiRaClEs
TC: HoNk.

AT: hAHA, oH YEAH, tHAT WAS,
AT: sOO STRICT,
AT: mOST DEFINITELY, yOUR RHYMES,
AT: tHEY ARE RUTHLESSLY DISCIPLINARY, aND MY HEAR DUCTS HAVE BEEN NAUGHTY,

TC: BuT WhAt i mOtHeRfUcKiN NeEd, My bRoThEr...
TC: AsIdE Of pLoWiNg nOsE FuCkInG FiRsT InTo a bItChIn pAn oF TeNaCiOuS MuCiLaGe
TC: Is tO ChEcK OuT WhAt sLaMs yOu cAn sTiCk iN My dUcTs!

AT: oH YEAH, tHESE MOST ENTIRELY CAN BE PROVIDED,
AT: tHEY CAN BE DROPPED STRAIGHT INTO THE ORIFICES YOU MENTIONED,

TC: HaHa, FuCkIn dRoP It bRo!

AT: yOU BROUGHT UP A PAN, uH,
AT: iN THAT LAST sTAN, zA
AT: bUT THE ONE i'M A FAN, oF
AT: iS THE PAN HANDLED PUP, a,

TC: SlAm iT LiKe a fUcKiN DoOr bY AcCiDeNt oN SoMeThInG ThAt hUrTs!!!
TC: HoNkHoNkHoNkHoNkHoNk.

AT: yOU CAN'T HANDLE MY SLAMS,
AT: wELL, uNLESS WHEN YOU CAN,
AT: iN WHICH CASE, tHAT'S COOL, uH
AT: i JUST SERVE UP THE HOOPLA,
AT: tO GOAT NOSES, tHAT ARE HOOPLESS, }:o)
AT: aBOUT THE PAN, wHO'S CALLED PUPA,
AT: iN THE CASE YOU WERE CLUELESS,
AT: aBOUT THE PAN WHO CAN MAN, uP,
AT: aND IS ABLE TO STAND, uP,
AT: oN LEGS uNLIKE MINE, wHICH,
AT: aRE FUNCTIONALLY USELESS,

TC: GoD DaAaAaAaAaAaAaMn. YoU ArE DeAlIn sOmE HeArTy rEpRoAcH ToNiGhT.
TC: FlYiNg fUcKiN HiGh, MaN.
TC: SoMeOnE ClIp tHeIr mOtHeRfUcKiN WiNgS So i sTaNd a cHaNcE! wHoOpS, i mEaN SiT A ChAnCe, FuCk...

AT: tHE ONLY THING MORE FLY THAN THE RHYMES,
AT: i'M SAYING TO EXPRESS ALL MY MALICES,
AT: iS THE ABILITY HE HAD i WISH WAS MINE,
AT: iNSTEAD OF i GUESS, THIS EXCESSIVE PARALYSIS,

TC: GeT OfFa tHoSe wHeElS, gEt oFfA ThOsE WhEeLs.
TC: If mIrAcLeS ArEn't fAkE He'lL GeT OfFa tHoSe wHeElS!

AT: uSING MY LEAST USELESS FOOT,
AT: tO KICK IT BACK OVER TO YOU, fRIEND,
AT: sLAM IT, uHH, lIKE, tHE DOOR IN THE FACE OF A CULLING DRONE,
AT: lET'S PRETEND THAT'S A REAL POSSIBILITY, aND NOT INVITATION TO AN EVEN MORE PAINFUL DEATH, jUST FOR THE SAKE OF THAT EXPRESSION,

TC: PuRe mAgIc iS AlL WhEn tHeRe bE HaTcHiN Of gRuBs
TC: I'Ve sEeN ShIt tHaT WoUlD ShOcK YoUr lOoKsTuBs
TC: I PeEpEd oN A PlAcE Of 6 tRiLlIoN HeMoS
TC: AlL Up aT OnE RoCk, BlEeDiNg aS EqUaLs
TC: It's eAsY To sEe iF YoU SeArCh aLl yOuR FeElInS
TC: ThAt pEaCe hApPeNs fIrSt, AnD MuRdEr's tHe sEqUeL
TC: It's tHe bEaUtY Of tHe cArNiVaL, tHe mAgIc's iN TeNtS
TC: FuCkIn dArKnEsS OuTsIdE, bUt tHe lIgHt mAkEs yOu wInCe
TC: JuSt tAkE My mOtHeR FuCkIn hAnD BrO
TC: PuT On yOuR ShAdEs, PuLl bAcK ThE FlAp
TC: AnD GeT OfFa tHoSe wHeElS!!!

AT: oKAY, i DID,
AT: nOW i'M ON THE FLOOR, mOTIONLESS, iN A TERRIBLE WAY,

TC: LeT'S TaKe tHiS NiNjA-tItTiEd BiTcH BaCk tO ThE HiVe wItH ThE ChOrUs...
TC: ToGeThEr mY MiRaClE BrOtHeR!
TC: Do yOu gEt yOuR NoTiCe oN Of tHe mIrAcLeS

AT: sO MANY, uH, gRATUITOUS EXPLETIVE, mIRACLES, tHE MAGIC MOTHER, aLSO eXPLETIVE, mIRACLES,

TC: FuCk yEs, HeReS WhErE ThE SlAm tUrNs tO NoThIn bUt hOnKs...
TC: HoNk hOnK HoNk hOnK HoNk hOnK HoNk
TC: HoNk hOnK HoNk hOnK HoNk hOnK HoNk

AT: HONK,
AT: iT'S LESS APPROPRIATE FOR ME TO DO THE HONKS, tHAN YOU, bUT THAT WAS STILL GREAT,
AT: tHE SLAMS WERE TRULY PRIME, aND,
AT: yOUR RELIGIOUS VIEWS, tHOUGH i DON'T SHARE THEM, aRE,
AT: rEASONABLY INSPIRATIONAL,

TC: Me tOo, BrO, yOu mOtHeR FuCkIn kNoW ThErE Be sOmE Of mY EyE's RoYaL JeLlY To gO WiTh yOuR EmOtIoNaL pEaNuT BuTtEr.
TC: ThIs iS BeAuTiFuL, dUdE, i fEeL So aT ChIlL WiTh yOu.

AT: yEAH, fRIENDLINESS WITH YOU IS, pRETTY MUCH ALWAYS NICE, aND FUN TO HAVE,

TC: WhEn wE Up aNd sTaRt tO KiCk aT ThIs rEd TeAm NoIsE,
TC: YoU ShOuLd mAkE YoUr wAy tO GeT YoUr hAnG On aT My hIvE.
TC: We cOuLd sPlIt a tIn oF ThE PiMpEsT SnEeZe i gOt oN HaNd, BaKeD Up aLl sPeCiAl fOr yOu.
TC: AnD ThEn mAyBe mAkE OuT A LiTtLe.

AT: uH,

AT: ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Troll session, The Veil, the present

Human session, Earth, the past

TC: it's all your fault.
TC: IT'S ALL YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN FAULT.
TC: honk.

TG: ok

TC: YOU ALL CRACKED OFF THE TOP OF THE BOTTLE TO THOSE FUCKIN CLOWN IMPOSTORS.
TC: that all were spraying out the flagrant motherfuckin heresies at me.
TC: THE FLAGRANT MOTHER FUCKING HERESIES MOTHER FUCKER.
TC: is what came out from their mouths, it made me get my sadness on to see it.
TC: AND MY RAGE ON FUCKING HARDER.

TG: im sorry

TC: all my life i believed at a fuckin paradise to come what held the most baller, darkest of carnivals to join.
TC: THE MIRTHFUL MESSIAHS WERE FORETOLD TO BE CRASHING THAT FUCKING PIE STAND AND BRING THE HOLY RUCKUS.
TC: what i believed in it to be was so beautiful, us and them all mellowing in tents, bumpin sounds, tossing back the faygo and soaking the miracles up our faith sponges, while the special stardust rained down at our elixir sticky faces, like a bunch a fuckin fairy powder from religion space.
TC: IT WAS GOING TO BE US AND MOTHER FUCKING THEM.

TG: this is like
TG: some trolling schtick right
TG: this icp shit

TC: you stole up all my miracles away by revealing at me how the wicked shit was really kicked.
TC: LIKE SOME FILTHY FUCKING SCIENSTIFF WHO AT OLD TIMES WOULD BE RULED UNFUNNY WITHOUT EVEN GETTING HIS FUCKING TRIAL ON.

TG: best troll ever
TG: i dont even care if you're really into this stuff or not its awesome
TG: dude are you an actual juggalo or not

TC: bro, that word you used isn't nothing real i've heard of.
TC: IT STRIKES AT ME AS ANOTHER HERETICAL FUCKING BASTARDIZATION OF SOME SACRED SHIT I TAKE SERIOUSLY IN MY PUMP BISCUIT.
TC: i mean i guess, took seriously.

TG: do you really not know what im talking about

TC: I HAVE THE IDEA THAT YOU PUT IN MY PAN TO SIT THERE.
TC: that the paradise planet
TC: IS A FUCKING JOKE.
TC: and the miracles
TC: ARE FAKE.

TG: i cant even tell if youre trying to troll me with this or if you actually are having some weird emotional problem
TG: you need to watch this video
TG: the song isnt even supposed to be released for another year or something
TG: but i got it from an inside source
TG: this is as hot as it gets

TC: no.
TC: MOTHER FUCK NO, BRO.
TC: i'm not looking on any more of your blasphmemes.
TC: I REALLY JUST CAME BACK ON YOU TO MOTHER FUCKING SAY.
TC: that while that sickening noise you did at me is your fault
TC: THERE'S SOMETHING I DID AT YOU WHAT'S MINE.
TC: i did something that's motherfucking atrocious to your posse.
TC: MADE YOUR WHOLE CREW OF JOKERS GET TO BEING KINDA MENTALLY MOTHER FUCKIN
TC: unstable.
TC: I DID THAT SHIT TO YOUR WHOLE UNIVERSE AS A MATTER OF MOTHER FUCKING FACT.
TC: you see
TC: YOU MOTHER FUCKIN SEE
TC: i finally got all caught up in what's true behind the sweet murdermirth of the bitchin bloodcircus.
TC: I REACHED DEEP DOWN AND GOT AT WHERE ALL THE REAL HARSHWHIMSIES WERE HIDING INSIDE ME.
TC: in the angriest ways i found up my dark ancestral chucklevoodoos within.
TC: AND I WENT AND MADE YOUR UNIVERSE...

TC: terminal. Bo)

TG: none of that really meant anything but ok
TG: also you have me confused for somebody else we never talked
TG: i guarantee i would have remembered you

TC: ALL THAT MOTHER FUCKIN MATTERS IS I REMEMBER YOU AND WHAT YOU DID.
TC: i'm just all letting you in on the ways i set the high justice in motion.

TG: thats cool juggalo guy who i still cant quite tell is ironic about this or not

TC: HAHAHAHAHA, YOU DON'T MOTHER FUCKING BELIEVE.
TC: as if i'd forget to do my chucklevoodoos to you too.
TC: TO FUCK UP YOUR DREAMS.
TC: make your worst fears come alive and get up on their haunts in your naphappy pan.

TG: what
TG: what fears

TC: YOU MOTHER FUCKING KNOW, BROTHER.
TC: its the fuckin puppet.

TG: oh god
TG: did my bro put you up to this

TC: YOUR BRO'S DEAD BRO.
TC: couldn't keep my new friend captive no more.

TG: hahaha jesus
TG: you are fucking insane

TC: I'M ALL HEARING THESE AMAZING MOTHERFUCKIN THINGS.
TC: i think he'll help me refigure out what's the real reality about the miracles.

TG: so
TG: my bros idiotic ventriloquist dummy is responsible for this schizophrenic bullshit
TG: what else does he say

TC: HE SAYS
TC: it's time
TC: TO GO
TC: mother
TC: FUCKING
TC: kill
TC: THEM
TC: all.

TG: better do what he says dude

TC: THE ROAD TO THE DARK CARNIVAL HAS NEVER BEFORE BEEN PAVED WITH LOUDER HONK HORNS TO TREAD UPON.
TC: and scare the living motherfuck out of the lowblood faithless with each step. ;o)

TG: you are either literally an insane psychopathic murderer or some kind of trolling savant
TG: time to block you now but lets do this again ok

TC: hey, before you go
TC: HOW ABOUT THAT WE
TC: slam a little. ;oD

TG: uh

They both then proceeded to have one of the best rap-offs in the history of paradox space.

Unknown location

AA: hey what are you doing out here!
AA: out of your bubble

TA: am i not supp0sed to leave?

AA: i just didnt think you could
AA: i guess you must have a foot on either side

TA: uh, ok.
TA: s0 what are you d0ing out here?

AA: i am waiting for friends to arrive
AA: they will need my help
AA: there will be two humans
AA: they should be joining us any minute

TA: then what?

AA: then rest of our party
AA: the survivors

TA: so then, we made it 0ut here alright.

AA: they made it
AA: your body will arrive with them
AA: hey maybe we can have a funeral!

TA: whats a funeral?

AA: kind of like
AA: a big corpse party
AA: the humans could probably explain it better than me

TA: SHIT, it's s0 bright, how can y0u stand it here?

AA: you can see the sun?

TA: yeah, i can see it.
TA: but..
TA: it lo0ks 2d.

TA: O_0

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