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Act 5 Act 2: He Is Already Here.

Part 30: Cancer

Link back to comic: Page 3936

Human session, Land of Frost and Frogs

CG: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING NOW.
CG: SERIOUSLY, WHY DID YOU GO BACK TO SEE HER? YOU DIDN'T MENTION THIS LAST TIME.

GG: listen fuckass
GG: i am going to need a password before we continue
GG: plz <3

CG: LET'S SEE IF I CAN REMEMBER, IT WAS PRETTY ELABORATE IF I RECALL, OK HERE GOES.
CG: I'M A DISGUSTING WORTHLESS BILGESACK ON THE GARGANTUAN TEAT OF A LABORING, LEPROUS MUSCLEBEAST. MY SELF ESTEEM IS SO SMALL, ITS EXISTENCE IS A MATTER OF CONJECTURE AMONG THEORETICAL PHYSICISTS. I SMELL SO BAD, THE STENCH CANNOT BE EXPRESSED WITH EVEN THE MOST ELOQUENT, FLORID LANGUAGE. THE ODOR MY BODY MAKES HAS MADE POETS CRY. I HAVE WON SPECIAL AWARDS FOR DISCOVERING NEW PLACES TO TOUCH MYSELF EROTICALLY WHILE FARTING. I UNFAIRLY PULVERIZE THE COMPETITION IN ASSHOLE PAGEANTS, AND I HAVE RECEIVED A LIFETIME BAN FROM UGLY CONTESTS BY PRESIDENT SHITFACE HIMSELF. MY BLOOD IS NOT FIT TO FLOW THROUGH A SEWER, AND MY SIGN IS A PICTOGRAPHIC SYMBOL THAT LOOSELY TRANSLATES AS "PLEASE HIKE THESE PANTS UP TO THIS GUY'S ARMPITS, CHAIN HIM TO A FLOGGING JUT, AND MAKE A FUCKING EXAMPLE OUT OF THIS SORRY SACK OF SHIT." WHEN I LOOK IN A MIRROR, MY REFLECTION SLOWLY SHAKES HIS HEAD WHILE I WET MYSELF IN SHAME.

GG: no karkat, that was not quite the password
GG: but you were on the right track :p

CG: CAN WE JUST TALK NOW

GG: youre being deliberately dumb
GG: it was...
GG: IF I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH, THEN WHY DON'T I HATEMARRY MYSELF?
GG: i was just using the password system to poke a little fun at you, and you turn it into this whole overdramatic thing, jeeeeez.

CG: HAHA! WHEE.
CG: CAN WE GET DOWN TO FUCKING BUSINESS AGAIN?
CG: IF YOU WOULD DROP THE PASSWORD SYSTEM AND LET FUTURE ME TALK TO YOU, HE MIGHT BE ABLE TO GIVE YOU AN ANSWER.

GG: why would i want to do that??
GG: the only guy whos dumber than past karkat is future karkat, and vice versa!
GG: i have this on good authority from both sources

CG: I STILL THINK YOUR USE OF THE TERMS IS KIND OF ASININE, THERE REALLY IS NO PAST OR FUTURE KARKAT FROM YOUR VIEW
CG: THERE'S KARKAT WHO KNOWS LESS STUFF AND KARKAT WHO KNOWS MORE STUFF. WHY NOT JUST GATHER THE FACTS FROM THE ONE WHO'S GOT THE LOWDOWN ALREADY?

GG: you have no patience to do things the right way, youre always just looking for the shortcut!
GG: even if doing so has brought you nothing but trouble a hundred times before
GG: it is sort of funny that the only thing standing in your way is one of your other problems, your preposterous self loathing
GG: its like you have so many problems, they cancel each other out

CG: THAT'S NOT THE ONLY THING STANDING IN MY WAY. YOUR STUPID PASSWORDS ARE ALSO STANDING IN MY WAY. IF NOT FOR THAT I COULD BE FAST TRACKING THIS TO SOLUTION CITY FOR US BOTH.
CG: WHAT HAPPENED TO THE FROG BREEDING, I THOUGHT WE WERE ON A ROLL WITH THAT
CG: WHAT WAS SHE EVEN SAYING TO YOU, I CAN'T UNDERSTAND A WORD OF THAT HORRIFYING GIBBERISH.

GG: i can understand her just fine!
GG: echidna and i have an understanding now ;)

CG: OOH, VAGUE BULLSHIT, IT'S THE EXACT FUCKING THING I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF.

GG: did you ever talk to kanaya about it?
GG: her situation was very similar to mine
GG: im talking to her right now actually

CG: AH, I SEE HOW IT IS.
CG: YOU WON'T TALK TO FUTURE KARKAT UNTIL I JUMP THROUGH YOUR FUCKING PASSWORD HOOPS AND BECOME HIM EVENTUALLY
CG: BUT YOU'LL TALK TO FUTURE KANAYA JUST LIKE THAT. DOUBLE STANDARD ANYBODY??? JADE SAYS YES PLEASE.

GG: you are so ridiculous, i have kanaya using the same password system as you
GG: she is just a little further ahead on my timeline is all
GG: it would be pretty hard to keep you both synced up!

CG: I THINK I AM ON THE VERGE OF BECOMING A RELIGIOUS PERSON, I JUST DON'T KNOW WHERE ELSE TO TURN TO REMOVE THE AWESOME SUFFERING THAT TROLLIAN'S TEMPORAL CHAT BULLSHIT MIRACULOUSLY CONTINUES TO INFLICT ON ME.
CG: JADE, PLEASE EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO PAINT MY FACE TO OUTWARDLY REFLECT THE BEAUTY OF MY INNER AWAKENING, AND DRUB MY THINK PAN MERCILESSLY TO REDUCE MY INTELLIGENCE TO THE LEVEL NECESSARY TO SUSTAIN THESE BELIEFS.
CG: ARE WE ALMOST DONE CRAFTING THIS "MASTER PLAN"?
CG: AND I CAN'T FIND GAMZEE ANYWHERE. I'M WORRIED HE MIGHT HAVE WANDERED OFF SOMEWHERE AND GOT HURT.

GG: youll find him

CG: LET'S MOVE THIS ALONG. JUST UPDATE ME ON THE FROGS, AND GIVE ME A NEW PASSWORD, OK?

GG: kanaya thinks we should all talk about this
GG: she is opening a memo

PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG] 3:14 HOURS AGO responded to memo.

PCG: OH GOD, HE'S STILL FOLLOWING YOU?
PCG: THAT IS SO MESSED UP.

?GG: its ok though. as long as he is tailing me like a lost puppy, at least hes not killing anybody

PCG: REMEMBER WHAT HE DID TO DAVE? IT WAS LIKE THIS WHOLE EPISODE, YOU HAD A HYSTERICAL EPISODE ABOUT IT, REMEMBER?

?GG: i remember the episode!!!
?GG: but hes ok now
?GG: and im kind of starting to think that was just his way of saying hi
?GG: i really think he believes he is my dog, on some level

PCG: JUST DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON HIM, JADE.
PCG: DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON THE PUPPY.

?GG: aaaaaa no no no, bad jack, bad!!!!!!

?GG: the poor froggies :(

PCG: MY JACK HAD THIS IRRATIONAL THING AGAINST FROGS TOO.
PCG: I MEAN MY NORMAL JACK. NOT PSYCHOPATH OMNIPOJACK.

FGA: Derse Agents Are Heavily Predisposed Toward The Murder And Desecration Of Amphibious Lifeforms And Their Iconography Respectively
FGA: Frequently I Had To Thwart Assassination Attempts From Their Kingdom

?GG: youre probably right, they really seem to drive him crazy
?GG: he was growling at echidna and i had to tell him he was being very bad
?GG: keeping him in line really makes me miss bec, he was such a good dog
?GG: not to mention a best friend
?GG: jack is just...

FGA: Bad Dog
FGA: Worst Enemy

?GG: exactly

PCG: I DON'T LIKE THIS A FUCKING BIT, IT MAKES ME REALLY NERVOUS.
PCG: YOU JUST CHILLING WITH AN UNSPEAKABLY POWERFUL MASS MURDERER WITH THE BRAIN OF A WILD ANIMAL WHO'S ABOUT TO HOP SESSIONS AND TRY TO KILL ALL OF US IN A FEW HOURS.
PCG: AND WHAT WERE YOU EVEN DOING THERE AGAIN, YOU STILL HAVEN'T TOLD ME.

FGA: I Recommended She Return To Her Denizen For Advice

PCG: ABOUT WHAT

FGA: The Location Of The Final Frog Required To Complete The Gene Sequence

PCG: OH YEAH
PCG: YOU WERE SEARCHING FOR WEEKS
PCG: AND YOU NEVER FOUND IT

FGA: I Had A Good Lead
FGA: But You Decided There Was Not Enough Time Left To Bother With It

PCG: I'M NOT AN ECTO SCIENTIST NO MATTER HOW MANY GRUBS WHO TURNED OUT TO BE US THE GAME MADE ME ACCIDENTALLY MAKE.
PCG: I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE A SLIME TECHNICIAN OR A FROG FARMER OR A MYSTICAL FUCKING CROAK DECODER. I'M A WARRIOR AND A LEADER AND A COLD BLOODED KILLER.

?GG: we know! you are clearly very good at being all of those things
?GG: but now we need your help with frog science. can you help us?

PCG: I DON'T MIND HELPING BUT I HAVE MAJOR LEADERSHIP DUTIES TO ATTEND TO HERE.

FGA: Yes I Know The Team Is Falling Apart And Everything
FGA: But Doing This Was Your Duty Too
FGA: And After A Point Of Critical Complication There Is Only So Much Responsibility You Can Take For The Actions Of Your Team

PCG: KANAYA, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
PCG: WHAT HAPPENS IN THE FUTURE, ARE YOU GIVING ME SOME ASSURANCE THAT THINGS WILL WORK OUT?

?GG: SHOOSH
?GG: no future talk!!! lets stay on topic

PCG: JUST
PCG: I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE, SHIT IS GETTING AWAY FROM ME
PCG: THE MORE TIME GOES BY WITHOUT WORD FROM GAMZEE THE MORE I WORRY
PCG: AND THE MORE I FEEL LIKE SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAS HAPPENED

?GG: no wait! just please listen a little longer?

FGA: Yes Staying Would Be Better
FGA: Trust Me That This Was And Still Is A Very Important Thing For You To Have Done And Still Do

PCG: FINE.
PCG: BUT LET'S MOVE IT ALONG.
PCG: DID ECHIDNA TELL YOU WHERE TO FIND THIS FROG?

?GG: not exactly...
?GG: she just helped me remember
?GG: yeah she made me promise to do something that sounds impossible too
?GG: except......
?GG: i actually agreed :o
?GG: i have no idea how im going to keep my side of the bargain, now that i think about it

PCG: REMEMBER
PCG: FUCKING
PCG: WHAT.

?GG: where the last frog is!
?GG: or was...
?GG: the frog we need is nowhere to be found in the medium
?GG: it was on earth!
?GG: but only very briefly

PCG: OK GREAT, SO IT'S THERE ON THE MONITOR, PROBLEM SOLVED
PCG: YOU JUST APPEARIFY ITS GHOST IMPRINT, MIX IT WITH YOUR CURRENT EVOLUTION'S PARADOX SLIME, SMOOTH OUT THE GENETIC WAVEFORM, TADPOLIFY BILIOUS SLICK, AND YOU'RE DONE.
PCG: SO YOU DIDN'T REMEMBER SEEING THIS FROG WHEN YOU WERE A KID AT ALL?

?GG: no, it completely slipped my mind
?GG: the choices she gives you seem to have to do with facing mortality
?GG: and making it clear if you choose one path over another it will lead to your death
?GG: and that your death may even be necessary to accomplish a goal
?GG: but
?GG: that is not really what made this hard

FGA: What Were Her Demands

?GG: she said
?GG: that if i accepted her help
?GG: that i would have to make a promise
?GG: that whenever we left this place
?GG: and wherever we end up going
?GG: she had to come
?GG: not just echidna but all the denizens
?GG: their palaces their consorts their lands...
?GG: everything

Troll session, later

PCG: JADE?
PCG: ARE YOU STILL RESPONDING TO THIS MEMO?

PCG: I GUESS I DON'T HAVE MUCH ENERGY LEFT TO ARGUE ABOUT PASSWORDS.
PCG: I DIDN'T EVEN GET A PASSWORD LAST TIME.
PCG: I HAD TO LEAVE ABRUPTLY BECAUSE SOLLUX AND ERIDAN STARTED DUELING AGAIN.
PCG: AND THEN FEFERI AND KANAYA...
PCG: IT ALL HAPPENED SO FAST.
PCG: AND NOW GAMZEE IS HUNTING US ALL DOWN IN MURDER MODE.
PCG: I'M SURE OTHERS MUST BE DEAD BY NOW.
PCG: AND NOW SOLLUX IS BLIND AND I LOST TRACK OF HIM SOMEHOW.
PCG: I'M STARTING TO THINK
PCG: THAT THIS MUST BE A DOOMED TIMELINE
PCG: AND THAT MUST BE WHY
PCG: FUTURE KANAYA WAS TALKING IN THIS MEMO
PCG: BUT NOW SHE'S DEAD...
PCG: WHICH MAKES THAT IMPOSSIBLE.
PCG: IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN THIS WAY.
PCG: GAMZEE ISN'T SUPPOSED TO GO CRAZY.
PCG: I THINK IF HE DOES
PCG: IT MEANS WE FUCKED SOMETHING UP.
PCG: IT MEANS *I* FUCKED SOMETHING UP.
PCG: I'VE OBVIOUSLY BECOME JUST ANOTHER GUY IN A DOOMED TIMELINE WATCHING EVERYONE AROUND HIM DIE.
PCG: I WAS JUST SITTING HERE WONDERING WHAT I COULD HAVE DONE WRONG THIS TIME
PCG: TO MAKE THE TIMELINE TAKE A WRONG TURN
PCG: AND PINPOINTING IT SEEMED OVERWHELMING SINCE I'VE MADE MORE TERRIBLE DECISIONS THAN I CAN EVEN COUNT.
PCG: BUT
PCG: I THINK LOOKING BACK
PCG: I KNOW WHAT IT IS NOW.
PCG: IT WAS BEFORE WE GOT TRAPPED ON THIS METEOR
PCG: BEFORE JACK SHOWED UP
PCG: BEFORE WE BEAT THE KING
PCG: AND I WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW, JADE.
PCG: THAT NO MATTER WHAT I SAID, I THINK THE FINAL FROG MUST BE IMPORTANT.
PCG: AND KANAYA, IF YOU'RE READING THIS SOMEWHERE IN THE PAST MAYBE...
PCG: I'M SORRY, YOU WERE RIGHT.
PCG: I WAS ALWAYS IN SUCH A HURRY TO WIN, I DIDN'T TAKE THE TIME TO DO WHAT WAS NECESSARY.
PCG: BILIOUS SLICK NEEDED THE GENES OF THAT FROG, AND BECAUSE I HALF ASSED THIS SO BAD EVERYONE IS GOING TO DIE.

PCG: SEE, I WAS THINKING
PCG: ABOUT JACK, AND HOW HE CAN'T STAND FROGS.
PCG: AND I THINK I FINALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOING ON.
PCG: I THINK I KNOW WHAT'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN AT THE END OF OUR TIMELINES.
PCG: I THINK I KNOW WHAT THE CRITICAL MOMENT IS.
PCG: AND IT'S COMPLETELY MY FAULT.
PCG: OUR GENESIS FROG NEEDED THE GENES FROM THAT FINAL FROG.
PCG: BUT BECAUSE I WAS IN TOO MUCH OF A HURRY TO DO THE JOB RIGHT
PCG: HE'S MISSING A CRITICAL SEQUENCE IN HIS DNA.
PCG: SO WHEN WE MADE HIM, AND WATCHED HIM GROW IN THE MIDDLE OF SKAIA
PCG: AND AFTER ALL THE FIREWORKS AND FANFARE FROM THE VAST CROAK HAD SUBSIDED

PCG: I KIND OF FELT LIKE HE DIDN'T LOOK SO GOOD.
PCG: LIKE HE WAS SICK.
PCG: I THINK I GAVE HIM CANCER.

PCG: I GAVE YOUR WHOLE UNIVERSE CANCER, JADE.
PCG: SORRY.

PCG: ITS DEFECTIVE GENES PROBABLY MADE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOUR SESSION TO BE SUCCESSFUL
PCG: SORT OF LIKE
PCG: ITS REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM WAS DAMAGED.
PCG: WHAT SHOULD BE FERTILE GROUND FOR YOUR NEW UNIVERSE TO GROW
PCG: WAS REPLACED BY A MASSIVE BOMB RIGGED TO BLOW UP YOUR WHOLE SESSION.
PCG: IT'S NOT LIKE YOU ACTUALLY DID ANYTHING WRONG
PCG: YOU WERE FIGHTING AGAINST THE DISEASE THAT WAS ALWAYS INHERENT IN YOUR REALITY
PCG: BUT I DON'T THINK IT'S LIKE A NORMAL DISEASE.
PCG: THE CANCER TOOK A SPECIFIC FORM, LIKE A COMPLICATED SERIES OF TERRIBLE EVENTS RATHER THAN FAULTY CELL DIVISION
PCG: IT WAS AN EVENTUALITY IN YOUR UNIVERSE THAT WAS INEVITABLE, THAT WE ALL UNWITTINGLY HELPED MAKE HAPPEN
PCG: ALL CONCENTRATED THROUGH THE ACTIONS OF ONE HOSTILE AGENT IN THE SYSTEM, WITH AN INSTINCT TO DESTROY EVERYTHING IT HATED
PCG: AND THEN GIVEN THE POWER TO DO SO.

PCG: AND UNLIKE A NORMAL DISEASE, IT WOULDN'T GRADUALLY KILL ITS HOST FROM WITHIN
PCG: THE CANCER LEFT THE BODY
PCG: BUT THE PROBLEM IS
PCG: IT WASN'T ANY LESS DEADLY ON THE OUTSIDE
PCG: AND NO LESS DETERMINED TO FINISH THE JOB.
PCG: JACK WAS EXPELLED FROM YOUR SESSION SOMEHOW
PCG: HE THEN METHODICALLY DESTROYED ALL OUR PLANETS, PROSPIT AND DERSE, AND TRIED TO WIPE US ALL OUT
PCG: SO THAT WE COULDN'T DO THE SAME THING TO HIM AGAIN
PCG: BUT HE WAS ALWAYS SAVING HIS TRUE TARGET FOR LAST
PCG: THE ONE HE HATED MOST.
PCG: JACK WAS THE LIVING EMBODIMENT OF THE DISEASE ALL ALONG.

PCG: NOIR IS THE CANCER.

PCG: IT'S HIM.

PCG: ANYWAY
PCG: THAT'S THE END OF HOW EVERYTHING'S MY FAULT COMPLETELY, AND I'M GARBAGE.
PCG: HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT JADE! NOT THAT YOU SEEM TO RECALL THIS MEMO EVEN EXISTS.
PCG: IF YOU SEE KANAYA IN DEATHBUBBLE HELL, PLEASE TELL HER I'M SORRY I LET HER DOWN.
PCG: AND IF YOU SEE SOLLUX WANDERING AROUND TOO, LET HIM KNOW HOW ASHAMED I AM I DITCHED HIM LIKE A COWARD BECAUSE I HEARD A HORN GO HONK.

FGA: Sollux Is Okay
FGA: Hes With Me Right Now

PCG: HOLY SHIT
PCG: YOU'RE ALIVE

FGA: Hold On I Really Need To Change These Clothes

Thank you for your patience.

There's just one last thing I have to take care of.

Oh shut up.

I have repeatedly made it clear that the fifth wall is to remain off.

I refuse to acknowledge this foolish man's self indulgent rubbish. His frivolous charades have no place in this building, or anywhere in this reality.

Am I making myself understood, young lady?

Or will I have to suspend your furniture privileges again?

I see. It's another one of your moods. We will have to work on ironing out this behavior before you meet your true master.

Maybe I have not been strict enough with your breathing privileges either?

I think now would be a good time for another round of reeducation regarding her purpose. A little refresher on the prestigious employment opportunity for which she is being groomed.

And since you are still my guest, it would please me to tell you this inspiring tale as well.

It is a tale to remind her of the sacrifice she must make. One serving to remind all of her people of the sacrifice once made by long forgotten heroes in a discarded reality. It is of this sacrifice the Sufferer died to speak the truth, and it is his tale I will tell you now.

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