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Let's Play The Ur-Quan Masters
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Chapter 4: Precursor Artifact Hunting For Fun And Profit
Part 1: By The Fetid Breath
June 6, 2156
Now that we've caused our little chaos with the Pkunk, it's time to cause some chaos elsewhere.
I haven't been around here in a while! It's time to talk to our evil friends, the Ilwrath.
I'm going to kind of blur over this, since the Ilwrath are pretty repetitive. The point is, I fight and kill them a few times, with the goal of getting them to reveal to me the place where the hear the voices of their dark gods, Dogar and Kazon.
Eventually:
ZELNICK
What is this 'Doggone' and 'Quasar' thing, anyway?
ILWRATH
Incorrectness! We Come From The Eye Of Dogar. Such A Quasar Exists Nowhere Near This Location! Look In The Heavens At Location 022.9, 366.6 And Gaze Into The Depths Of Its All-Seeing Eye If You Dare! Only By The Sparing Caress Of Kazon's Anointed Cilia Will You Survive Such An Act. Else, You Will Bless The Altar Of Consumption With Your Ceremonial Blood!
All right, to the Eye of Dogar with us. However, I admit we're not there to commune with the Ilwrath Gods.
We're here to become them.
ILWRATH
It Is The Voice Of Our Hideous Gods, Dogar And Kazon! Oh Great Gods Of Evil And Darkness, What Can Your Humble And Devious Servants Do For You/
ZELNICK DOGAR AND KAZON
WORSHIP US!
ILWRATH
From The Chambers Of Pain We Hear Your Words, Cruel And Evil Lords Of Darkness. And As Your Voice Crackles Out Of The Speaker Boxes, It Sends Thrills Across Our Carapaces. Our Hairy Quills All Stand Erect, And We Pant And Wheeze With Holy Fervor!
Oh Mighty Gods! You Are The Definition Of All That Is Evil And Hideous In This Universe! You Are The Inspiration For All Cruelty, Deception, And Pain. For This We Thank You!
DOGAR AND KAZON
WE REQUIRE THAT YOU DO THINGS A BIT DIFFERENTLY.
ILWRATH
Your Will Is Our Inspiration. What Shall We Do?
DOGAR AND KAZON
FROM THIS DAY FORWARD, SAY WARSHIP INSTEAD OF WORSHIP!
ILWRATH
As You Wish, Glorious, Unmerciful Destructors! In All Future Warship We Will Honor You In This Way!
DOGAR AND KAZON
FROM THIS DAY FORWARD, SAY DWE INSTEAD OF WE!
ILWRATH
Yes, Great Dogar! Yes, Mighty Kazon! Dwe Certainly Will, Dwe Certainly Will!
DOGAR AND KAZON
FROM THIS DAY FORWARD, SAY YUUBUU INSTEAD OF YOU!
ILWRATH
It Shal Be So, Great Ones. Yuubuu Are Mighty! Yuubuu Are The Most Hideous And Deceitful! We Ilwrath Are Too Fortunate To Have Yuubuu To Worship!
DOGAR AND KAZON
YOU ARE NO LONGER THE ILWRATH. YOU ARE NOW THE DILL-RATS!
ILWRATH DILL-RATS
We, The Dill-Rats, Bow And Scrape Off Our Appendages In Your Honor, Mighty Dogar And Kazon!
DOGAR AND KAZON
YOU ARE SUFFICIENTLY GRACED. GO AND KILL GRUESOMELY IN OUR NAMES!
DILL-RATS
We Can Never Receive Sufficient Direction From You, Great Masters! We Eagerly Await Your Next Vile Commandments.
DOGAR AND KAZON
HEED THESE WORDS, OUR EVIL CHILDREN -- LEAVE THIS PLACE -- SEEK NEW PREY!
DILL-RATS
Oh Mighty Dogar! Oh Mighty Kazon! Your Devoted Servants Hear Your Words And Obey Your Divine And Cruel Insights. The Pkunk Are Unfit For OUR Sacramental Tortures! We Relish The Prospect Of Killing Worthy Prey!
We Will Leave Immediately So That We Can Begin Our Glorious, Evil Devotions, But Who Shall We Prey Upon Next? Who Shall Suffer Our Inspired Torment? Hmm.
Didn't Those Loathsome Umgah Once Mention A Race Near Their Region Of Space? Hmm... YES! I Have It! The THRADDASH! We Will Go NOW, And Kill All Of Them!
DOGAR AND KAZON
WE RETURN NOW TO THE FETID DARKNESS. OBEY OUR COMMANDS!
DILL-RATS
Farewell, Dogar And Kazon. We Are Awed By Your Malevolent Presence, And Swear Unto You To Commit Even More Vile And Treacherous Deeds Tomorrow Than We Did Today!
Whoo. That will take a while, so in the meantime, let's pick up some prior plot threads we kind of forgot about.
Remember the Zoq-Fot-Pik? Well, this is their homeworld. Hopefully they haven't been obliterated in my absence.
PIK
Just look at those weapon pods on his ship.
ZOQ
We hope that during this visit, we can make clear to your species the benefits of a mutual-assistance pact.
PIK
But we're also armed to the teeth, so don't try stealing our atmospwhere or anything sneaky like that!
ZELNICK
I have travelled here to seek an alliance between our peoples.
ZOQ
How wonderful! We accept!
PIK
Hurray!
ZOQ
How marvelous!
PIK
Yee-ha!
ZOQ
Captain, we are delighted that your people have made this choice!
PIK
Now WE won't get slaughtered!
ZOQ
In exchange for our cooperation helping you with captains and ship designs, all we ask for is your protection.
PIK
So we don't get slaughtered!
ZOQ
We shall begin fulfilling our commitment at once! We will transport officers and our Stinger designs to your base immediately!
PIK
Why, heck! Maybe I'll even make the trip to your planet! I'd make a good starship captain, Captain! I'm pretty darn mean in a fight, and there ain't nobody better than me with a thrusting stinger tongue attack!
ZELNICK
Does that guy in the back ever say anything?
ZOQ
Nope.
PIK
Not a word.
ZELNICK
Bye Zoq. Bye Fot. Bye Pik.
ZOQ
Goodbye, Captain.
PIK
See ya!
All right, that's another alliance formed. Back to the starbase.
News from Hayes:
I am now exactly one module away from a fully-furnished warship. Next time, that last cargo module will be replaced with a third Tracking Module.
NEXT TIME: Definitely not slave-trading.
<< | ^^ | >>
Chapter 4: Precursor Artifact Hunting For Fun And Profit
Part 1: By The Fetid Breath
June 6, 2156
Now that we've caused our little chaos with the Pkunk, it's time to cause some chaos elsewhere.
I haven't been around here in a while! It's time to talk to our evil friends, the Ilwrath.
I'm going to kind of blur over this, since the Ilwrath are pretty repetitive. The point is, I fight and kill them a few times, with the goal of getting them to reveal to me the place where the hear the voices of their dark gods, Dogar and Kazon.
Eventually:
ZELNICK
What is this 'Doggone' and 'Quasar' thing, anyway?
ILWRATH
Incorrectness! We Come From The Eye Of Dogar. Such A Quasar Exists Nowhere Near This Location! Look In The Heavens At Location 022.9, 366.6 And Gaze Into The Depths Of Its All-Seeing Eye If You Dare! Only By The Sparing Caress Of Kazon's Anointed Cilia Will You Survive Such An Act. Else, You Will Bless The Altar Of Consumption With Your Ceremonial Blood!
All right, to the Eye of Dogar with us. However, I admit we're not there to commune with the Ilwrath Gods.
We're here to become them.
ILWRATH
It Is The Voice Of Our Hideous Gods, Dogar And Kazon! Oh Great Gods Of Evil And Darkness, What Can Your Humble And Devious Servants Do For You/
WORSHIP US!
ILWRATH
From The Chambers Of Pain We Hear Your Words, Cruel And Evil Lords Of Darkness. And As Your Voice Crackles Out Of The Speaker Boxes, It Sends Thrills Across Our Carapaces. Our Hairy Quills All Stand Erect, And We Pant And Wheeze With Holy Fervor!
Oh Mighty Gods! You Are The Definition Of All That Is Evil And Hideous In This Universe! You Are The Inspiration For All Cruelty, Deception, And Pain. For This We Thank You!
DOGAR AND KAZON
WE REQUIRE THAT YOU DO THINGS A BIT DIFFERENTLY.
ILWRATH
Your Will Is Our Inspiration. What Shall We Do?
DOGAR AND KAZON
FROM THIS DAY FORWARD, SAY WARSHIP INSTEAD OF WORSHIP!
ILWRATH
As You Wish, Glorious, Unmerciful Destructors! In All Future Warship We Will Honor You In This Way!
DOGAR AND KAZON
FROM THIS DAY FORWARD, SAY DWE INSTEAD OF WE!
ILWRATH
Yes, Great Dogar! Yes, Mighty Kazon! Dwe Certainly Will, Dwe Certainly Will!
DOGAR AND KAZON
FROM THIS DAY FORWARD, SAY YUUBUU INSTEAD OF YOU!
ILWRATH
It Shal Be So, Great Ones. Yuubuu Are Mighty! Yuubuu Are The Most Hideous And Deceitful! We Ilwrath Are Too Fortunate To Have Yuubuu To Worship!
DOGAR AND KAZON
YOU ARE NO LONGER THE ILWRATH. YOU ARE NOW THE DILL-RATS!
We, The Dill-Rats, Bow And Scrape Off Our Appendages In Your Honor, Mighty Dogar And Kazon!
DOGAR AND KAZON
YOU ARE SUFFICIENTLY GRACED. GO AND KILL GRUESOMELY IN OUR NAMES!
DILL-RATS
We Can Never Receive Sufficient Direction From You, Great Masters! We Eagerly Await Your Next Vile Commandments.
DOGAR AND KAZON
HEED THESE WORDS, OUR EVIL CHILDREN -- LEAVE THIS PLACE -- SEEK NEW PREY!
DILL-RATS
Oh Mighty Dogar! Oh Mighty Kazon! Your Devoted Servants Hear Your Words And Obey Your Divine And Cruel Insights. The Pkunk Are Unfit For OUR Sacramental Tortures! We Relish The Prospect Of Killing Worthy Prey!
We Will Leave Immediately So That We Can Begin Our Glorious, Evil Devotions, But Who Shall We Prey Upon Next? Who Shall Suffer Our Inspired Torment? Hmm.
Didn't Those Loathsome Umgah Once Mention A Race Near Their Region Of Space? Hmm... YES! I Have It! The THRADDASH! We Will Go NOW, And Kill All Of Them!
DOGAR AND KAZON
WE RETURN NOW TO THE FETID DARKNESS. OBEY OUR COMMANDS!
DILL-RATS
Farewell, Dogar And Kazon. We Are Awed By Your Malevolent Presence, And Swear Unto You To Commit Even More Vile And Treacherous Deeds Tomorrow Than We Did Today!
Whoo. That will take a while, so in the meantime, let's pick up some prior plot threads we kind of forgot about.
Remember the Zoq-Fot-Pik? Well, this is their homeworld. Hopefully they haven't been obliterated in my absence.
PIK
Just look at those weapon pods on his ship.
ZOQ
We hope that during this visit, we can make clear to your species the benefits of a mutual-assistance pact.
PIK
But we're also armed to the teeth, so don't try stealing our atmospwhere or anything sneaky like that!
ZELNICK
I have travelled here to seek an alliance between our peoples.
ZOQ
How wonderful! We accept!
PIK
Hurray!
ZOQ
How marvelous!
PIK
Yee-ha!
ZOQ
Captain, we are delighted that your people have made this choice!
PIK
Now WE won't get slaughtered!
ZOQ
In exchange for our cooperation helping you with captains and ship designs, all we ask for is your protection.
PIK
So we don't get slaughtered!
ZOQ
We shall begin fulfilling our commitment at once! We will transport officers and our Stinger designs to your base immediately!
PIK
Why, heck! Maybe I'll even make the trip to your planet! I'd make a good starship captain, Captain! I'm pretty darn mean in a fight, and there ain't nobody better than me with a thrusting stinger tongue attack!
ZELNICK
Does that guy in the back ever say anything?
ZOQ
Nope.
PIK
Not a word.
ZELNICK
Bye Zoq. Bye Fot. Bye Pik.
ZOQ
Goodbye, Captain.
PIK
See ya!
All right, that's another alliance formed. Back to the starbase.
News from Hayes:
- It would appear that your diplomatic efforts have struck gold, Captain. We have been contacted by a race called the Zoq-Fot-Pik, who wish to fullfill their part of 'the Unification' -- something you have arranged with them, I gather. They have sent us the specifications for their Stinger-class attack vessels, as well as a large number of Zoq-Fot-Pik commanding officers. You're doing a find job, Captain.
I am now exactly one module away from a fully-furnished warship. Next time, that last cargo module will be replaced with a third Tracking Module.
NEXT TIME: Definitely not slave-trading.
<< | ^^ | >>