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Let's Play The Ur-Quan Masters
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Chapter 6: Loose Ends
Part 1: Oh, What's the Use?
Dec 23, 2156
So it looks like the Thraddash and the Ilwrath are pretty well along destroying each other. Why don't we pay that region of space a visit?
Christmas and New Years pass during my journey. I arrive in the Zeta Draconis system, formerly full of Thraddash ships. Due to the raging war, it is now nice and empty.
By now, one might wonder why I even bothered sending the Ilwrath to fight the Thraddash. The reason? The same reason I do almost everything else: Precursor Artifacts.
From what we have seen, we have learned that the Thraddash have risen to star-faring technology at least three separate times, only to nuke themselves back to the stone age again and again. The real surprise, captain, was what we found inside the shrine!
We knew the Thraddash kept something down ehre, but we didn't know what it was until we went inside the shrine. In the exact middle of the structure was a tall dais of white stone. Set atop this dais was an immense aqua gemstone, smehow shaped into a flat, twisted ribbon, like a DNA helix.
The aqua helix emitted incredible light pulses, illuminating the cavernous shrine like a giant strobe light; at least, it did, until Private Hendryx decided to see what would happen if we grabbed the artifact. The helix immediatley ceased glowing, and has remained quiescent ever since.
We will bring the Aqua Helix back aboard the ship for further investigation.
---- END OF REPORT ----
Now that we finally, finally have the Clear Spindle, the Rosy Sphere, and the Aqua Helix all together, our work can begin in earnest.
Scientific Analysis:
SUBJECT: Aqua Helix Device
DATA: This device is composed of a light blue, super-hard substance which rates Mohs-13. The object is composed of a flat ribbon of homogenous material approximately 1 meter in length, and it is twisted in a perfect helix. Focused ion and nucleo-magnetic scans reveal little about its interior.
SUMMARY: Unknown design. Unknown origin. Unknown function.
Now, let's explore a brand new region of space!
Once in this region, we encounter a new alien race:
UTWIG
On behalf of the Utwig Proctors, I truly hope, for your sake, that your day has been better than ours, although this really isn't saying that much.
ZELNICK
This is Captain Zelnick, representing The New Alliance of Free Stars. Please respond.
UTWIG
What good would that do -- I mean, why should we? We agonized for hours wondering if it was a cruel twist of fate, or simply a serious case of butterfingery. Ah, the lifetimes that have been spent in the pursuit of the elusive answer to this deceptively simple question has driven many of us down the dark road of self-destruction. Indeed, even as these words strike the ears of any who care to listen, the real question is, Does It Matter?
I cannot say, I wallow in a quandary, unable to determine what better atones for my part of the Great Sin. Should I engage in slow and painful self-termination? Should I commit myself to a long life of painful self-flagellation? Should I throw myself with enthusiastic verve at the problem of collective annihilation? I do not know. Even now, my mind writhes in anguish of indecision, lest the outcome be inadequate.
ZELNICK
Hmm, I detect that recent events have not gone your way. Why don't you start at the beginning?
UTWIG
*Sigh* All right, I'll try, but you know, it really doesn't matter. After all, we have a famous Utwig saying: When one loses the reason for existence, one tends to get less motivated. This goes hand-in-hand with the painfully appropriate credo, 'We broke it, so we are paying for it.'
Of course, this isn't really accurate; the situation is so much more hideous! Imagine, if you can, holding within your hands The Answer, only to have it taunt you with its former potential! Ah, cruel irony! The loss of the Ultron grieves us all!
ZELNICK
Um, yes, of course, the Ultron. We grieve. How sad. Now, what was it again?
UTWIG
Bah! It doesn't matter! Besides being of no concern to you, I find discussion of this matter, well, distasteful.
*Sigh* The Ultron was not only the thing which assures total and complete meaning of life for you and I, it is Universal; I'm sure that you, too, are aware of this thing, if only in legend! It granted us all limitless power and knowledge. It has been since, well, rendered inoperative.
ZELNICK
Sniff. That reminds me of when my pet dog Splib, ran in front of a... rock chipper!
UTWIG
You are kind. If we could wield the Ultron to resurrect your Splib, we would. But I suddenly am overcome with waves of depression. I must retire now to perform rituals of anguish. Waves of trauma wash across my being even now. I must go.
Wow, what cheerful guys. Better yet, we're not done with them!
At Beta Aquarii, we encounter the Utwig homeworld. Time to talk to the source!
UTWIG
...but you find us in a state of moderate depression, instead of our normal cycle of self-destructive tendencies.
...you know what? This conversation is long and fraught with, well, Utwig, so I'll sum it up for you guys:
To the Supox homeworld!
As of our arrival there, incidentally, we have been on our mission for over two years.
ZELNICK
I am Captain Zelnick from Earth. We come in peace.
ALA-LA'LA
I am Captain Ala-la'la. We come in peace.
ZELNICK
Our starship is called the Vindicator.
ALA-LA'LA
Our starship is called the Tender Shoot.
ZELNICK
We are The New Alliance of Free Stars from Earth.
ALA-LA'LA
We are the Supox Utricularia from Earth.
ZELNICK
You're from Earth??? Hey! Are you just copying whatever I say?
ALA-LA'LA
Oh yes, we apologize for the confusion, our homeworld is also called 'Earth', or more properly 'Vlik', which means 'Perfectly Good and Nutritious Dirt'. 'Earth' is pretty close, is it not?
ZELNICK
Why do you copy our speech and mannerisms?
ALA-LA'LA
We learn and we adapt. We are symbionts. Our first step in making friends is always to copy them. This is our idiom.
ZELNICK
Symbionts, how interesting! Please tell us more.
ALA-LA'LA
Our kind evolved on a beautiful planet orbiting the wonderfully green-hued star, Root. From the canopy of the great jungles to the shores of the azure seas, our species has flowered and grown well.
Early in our evolution, we adapted to exist in symbiosis with other, hardier life, both flora and fauna, who supplied us with nutrients while we supplied them with reproductive assistance.
ZELNICK
C'mon, plants can't be intelligent! Our top scientists and science fiction writers have proven it!
ALA-LA'LA
Yes. This has been confirmed by our people as well. Strange, is it not? Many of our people regard this inconsistency as proof of our divine origin.
ZELNICK
Are the Utwig friends of yours?
ALA-LA'LA
Oh yes, we have a strong cultural bond with the Utwig. They have been the foundation around which we have grown our starfaring culture. We are not only allies, but we are also friends. You should go meet with them. They could use some excitement. You see, they are a little depressed and morose right now. Usually they are most festive and fun.
ZELNICK
Oh, dear. What has caused them such distress?
ALA-LA'LA
They broke their Ultron.
ZELNICK
What's an Ultron?
ALA-LA'LA
The Druuge, the cruel, sallow trading race who sold the device to the Utwig, called the device the 'Ultron' and claimed that it would give the Utwig super-powers. Unfortunately, the Utwig believed the Druuge and bought the Ultron. However, the device DID make the Utwig very happy. Of course, we didn't tell them what we REALLY thought of the Ultron, that they were vapid fools to buy a piece of junk for a planet's ransom. We went along with the falsehood, and in doing so showed our own stupidity.
Then, one sad day a few years ago, the Utwig Proctor dropped the Ultron during a particularly energetic and festive ritual. Now the Utwig are morose and depressed. They feel they cannot ever achieve greatness because they lost the powers of the Ultron. They even gave the broken device to us, saying that they couldn't stand the sight of it anymore. We are worried that the Utwig are so depressed that they may use their Ultimate Weapon.
Here! You take the Ultron, maybe you can do something with it.
ZELNICK
Er, ah, thanks, I think. What do I do with it?
ALA-LA'LA
We thought that if we could get the Ultron working again, it would cheer them up. So we tried to figure out how to fix the darn thing, or at least get some of the flashing bits working again. But for all the Druuge's falsehoods, the Ultron IS some kind of artifact, and we could not synthesize the necessary replacement parts. Perhaps on your journeys you will find the elements necessary to repair the Ultron. Then you could give it to the Utwig and maybe they wouldn't be so depressed.
Great thinking, Supox. Fortunately for me, I have psychic precognition, and managed to acquire all necessary parts before even getting the device!
Shazam.
NEXT TIME: The Ultimate Weapon.
<< | ^^ | >>
Chapter 6: Loose Ends
Part 1: Oh, What's the Use?
Dec 23, 2156
So it looks like the Thraddash and the Ilwrath are pretty well along destroying each other. Why don't we pay that region of space a visit?
Christmas and New Years pass during my journey. I arrive in the Zeta Draconis system, formerly full of Thraddash ships. Due to the raging war, it is now nice and empty.
By now, one might wonder why I even bothered sending the Ilwrath to fight the Thraddash. The reason? The same reason I do almost everything else: Precursor Artifacts.
From what we have seen, we have learned that the Thraddash have risen to star-faring technology at least three separate times, only to nuke themselves back to the stone age again and again. The real surprise, captain, was what we found inside the shrine!
We knew the Thraddash kept something down ehre, but we didn't know what it was until we went inside the shrine. In the exact middle of the structure was a tall dais of white stone. Set atop this dais was an immense aqua gemstone, smehow shaped into a flat, twisted ribbon, like a DNA helix.
The aqua helix emitted incredible light pulses, illuminating the cavernous shrine like a giant strobe light; at least, it did, until Private Hendryx decided to see what would happen if we grabbed the artifact. The helix immediatley ceased glowing, and has remained quiescent ever since.
We will bring the Aqua Helix back aboard the ship for further investigation.
---- END OF REPORT ----
Now that we finally, finally have the Clear Spindle, the Rosy Sphere, and the Aqua Helix all together, our work can begin in earnest.
Scientific Analysis:
SUBJECT: Aqua Helix Device
DATA: This device is composed of a light blue, super-hard substance which rates Mohs-13. The object is composed of a flat ribbon of homogenous material approximately 1 meter in length, and it is twisted in a perfect helix. Focused ion and nucleo-magnetic scans reveal little about its interior.
SUMMARY: Unknown design. Unknown origin. Unknown function.
Now, let's explore a brand new region of space!
Once in this region, we encounter a new alien race:
UTWIG
On behalf of the Utwig Proctors, I truly hope, for your sake, that your day has been better than ours, although this really isn't saying that much.
ZELNICK
This is Captain Zelnick, representing The New Alliance of Free Stars. Please respond.
UTWIG
What good would that do -- I mean, why should we? We agonized for hours wondering if it was a cruel twist of fate, or simply a serious case of butterfingery. Ah, the lifetimes that have been spent in the pursuit of the elusive answer to this deceptively simple question has driven many of us down the dark road of self-destruction. Indeed, even as these words strike the ears of any who care to listen, the real question is, Does It Matter?
I cannot say, I wallow in a quandary, unable to determine what better atones for my part of the Great Sin. Should I engage in slow and painful self-termination? Should I commit myself to a long life of painful self-flagellation? Should I throw myself with enthusiastic verve at the problem of collective annihilation? I do not know. Even now, my mind writhes in anguish of indecision, lest the outcome be inadequate.
ZELNICK
Hmm, I detect that recent events have not gone your way. Why don't you start at the beginning?
UTWIG
*Sigh* All right, I'll try, but you know, it really doesn't matter. After all, we have a famous Utwig saying: When one loses the reason for existence, one tends to get less motivated. This goes hand-in-hand with the painfully appropriate credo, 'We broke it, so we are paying for it.'
Of course, this isn't really accurate; the situation is so much more hideous! Imagine, if you can, holding within your hands The Answer, only to have it taunt you with its former potential! Ah, cruel irony! The loss of the Ultron grieves us all!
ZELNICK
Um, yes, of course, the Ultron. We grieve. How sad. Now, what was it again?
UTWIG
Bah! It doesn't matter! Besides being of no concern to you, I find discussion of this matter, well, distasteful.
*Sigh* The Ultron was not only the thing which assures total and complete meaning of life for you and I, it is Universal; I'm sure that you, too, are aware of this thing, if only in legend! It granted us all limitless power and knowledge. It has been since, well, rendered inoperative.
ZELNICK
Sniff. That reminds me of when my pet dog Splib, ran in front of a... rock chipper!
UTWIG
You are kind. If we could wield the Ultron to resurrect your Splib, we would. But I suddenly am overcome with waves of depression. I must retire now to perform rituals of anguish. Waves of trauma wash across my being even now. I must go.
Wow, what cheerful guys. Better yet, we're not done with them!
At Beta Aquarii, we encounter the Utwig homeworld. Time to talk to the source!
UTWIG
...but you find us in a state of moderate depression, instead of our normal cycle of self-destructive tendencies.
...you know what? This conversation is long and fraught with, well, Utwig, so I'll sum it up for you guys:
- The Druuge brought the Ultron to the Utwig, claiming it had superpowers.
- The Utwig believed them something awful, and based their entire culture around the device.
- Chief Groo dropped the Ultron during a ceremony, and it broke, causing all Utwig to be sad forever.
- Unable to bear the sight of the broken Ultron, the Utwig gave it to their ally race, the Supox.
- The Utwig have a giant bomb at Zeta Hyades VI-B, which they are always ready to use should they decide to annihilate their entire species.
To the Supox homeworld!
As of our arrival there, incidentally, we have been on our mission for over two years.
ZELNICK
I am Captain Zelnick from Earth. We come in peace.
ALA-LA'LA
I am Captain Ala-la'la. We come in peace.
ZELNICK
Our starship is called the Vindicator.
ALA-LA'LA
Our starship is called the Tender Shoot.
ZELNICK
We are The New Alliance of Free Stars from Earth.
ALA-LA'LA
We are the Supox Utricularia from Earth.
ZELNICK
You're from Earth??? Hey! Are you just copying whatever I say?
ALA-LA'LA
Oh yes, we apologize for the confusion, our homeworld is also called 'Earth', or more properly 'Vlik', which means 'Perfectly Good and Nutritious Dirt'. 'Earth' is pretty close, is it not?
ZELNICK
Why do you copy our speech and mannerisms?
ALA-LA'LA
We learn and we adapt. We are symbionts. Our first step in making friends is always to copy them. This is our idiom.
ZELNICK
Symbionts, how interesting! Please tell us more.
ALA-LA'LA
Our kind evolved on a beautiful planet orbiting the wonderfully green-hued star, Root. From the canopy of the great jungles to the shores of the azure seas, our species has flowered and grown well.
Early in our evolution, we adapted to exist in symbiosis with other, hardier life, both flora and fauna, who supplied us with nutrients while we supplied them with reproductive assistance.
ZELNICK
C'mon, plants can't be intelligent! Our top scientists and science fiction writers have proven it!
ALA-LA'LA
Yes. This has been confirmed by our people as well. Strange, is it not? Many of our people regard this inconsistency as proof of our divine origin.
ZELNICK
Are the Utwig friends of yours?
ALA-LA'LA
Oh yes, we have a strong cultural bond with the Utwig. They have been the foundation around which we have grown our starfaring culture. We are not only allies, but we are also friends. You should go meet with them. They could use some excitement. You see, they are a little depressed and morose right now. Usually they are most festive and fun.
ZELNICK
Oh, dear. What has caused them such distress?
ALA-LA'LA
They broke their Ultron.
ZELNICK
What's an Ultron?
ALA-LA'LA
The Druuge, the cruel, sallow trading race who sold the device to the Utwig, called the device the 'Ultron' and claimed that it would give the Utwig super-powers. Unfortunately, the Utwig believed the Druuge and bought the Ultron. However, the device DID make the Utwig very happy. Of course, we didn't tell them what we REALLY thought of the Ultron, that they were vapid fools to buy a piece of junk for a planet's ransom. We went along with the falsehood, and in doing so showed our own stupidity.
Then, one sad day a few years ago, the Utwig Proctor dropped the Ultron during a particularly energetic and festive ritual. Now the Utwig are morose and depressed. They feel they cannot ever achieve greatness because they lost the powers of the Ultron. They even gave the broken device to us, saying that they couldn't stand the sight of it anymore. We are worried that the Utwig are so depressed that they may use their Ultimate Weapon.
Here! You take the Ultron, maybe you can do something with it.
ZELNICK
Er, ah, thanks, I think. What do I do with it?
ALA-LA'LA
We thought that if we could get the Ultron working again, it would cheer them up. So we tried to figure out how to fix the darn thing, or at least get some of the flashing bits working again. But for all the Druuge's falsehoods, the Ultron IS some kind of artifact, and we could not synthesize the necessary replacement parts. Perhaps on your journeys you will find the elements necessary to repair the Ultron. Then you could give it to the Utwig and maybe they wouldn't be so depressed.
Great thinking, Supox. Fortunately for me, I have psychic precognition, and managed to acquire all necessary parts before even getting the device!
Shazam.
NEXT TIME: The Ultimate Weapon.
<< | ^^ | >>