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Let's Play The Ur-Quan Masters
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Chapter 6: Loose Ends
Part 3: If Ever There Was A Devil
February 23, 2157
Remember when I talked to the Arilou, and they mentioned giving a Talking Pet to the Umgah? Well, time to met yet another new species.
On the way, we encounter one of their ships.
UMGAH
Har. Har. Har.
ZELNICK
I am Captain Zelnick, of the starship Vindicator. What is your response?
UMGAH
We. Respond. With. Appropriate. Awe. And. Respect.
Now. Go. Away.
ZELNICK
Umgah humor is renowned across space, so... know any good jokes?!
UMGAH
Joke. Yes. Joke. Here. Is. Joke.
When. Is. A. Slave. Not. A. Slave.
Answer.
When. He. Is. A. Slave. Master.
Har. Har. Har.
ZELNICK
Uh... that wasn't very funny. Can't you do better?
UMGAH
Better. Joke. Yes. Better. Joke. Here. It. Is.
What. You. Get. When. Combine. Deuterium. Pellet. Terawatt. Laser.
And. Primitive. Earth. Leader. From. Asian. Steppes.
Answer.
Khan. Fusion.
ZELNICK
Ugh! That wasn't a very good joke either. I don't think you guys are very funny.
UMGAH
Umgah. Are. Funny. We. Are. Umgah. We. Are. Funny.
There. Is. No. Alternative.
ZELNICK
So how's that Talking Pet getting along?
UMGAH
What. Talking. Pet. Do. Not. Understand. Reference.
ZELNICK
The Arilou told us they had given it to you... they did, right?
UMGAH
Human. Possesses. Forbidden. Knowledge.
No. Interference. In. Plan. Can. Be. Tolerated. Human. Must. Be. Eliminated.
The Umgah ship is a strange one. It can be immensely powerful of laughably weak, depending on the matchup and the pilot's skill.
The Drone's primary weapon is a very short-range antimatter field that does immense damage and vaporizes nearly any projectile. This weapon consumes no energy, and can thus be used indefinitely. The drawback is that the Drone is incredibly slow, and thus has difficulty catching its target. This is where its special ability comes into play: A high-speed inertialess backwards thrust. With a well-aimed launch, you can land yourself right next to the enemy ship and cause it huge amounts of damage.
Or you can eat plasma and die.
Anyway, something seems fishy about the Umgah, so I'm gonna pay their homeworld a visit.
Taalo Device... check.
ZELNICK
I thought this was the Umgah homeworld. Who are you?
TALKING PET
I am, uh, a peaceful creature, a friendly alien life form. The Ur-Quan call us 'talking pets'. Until recently, I was employed on a Dreadnought startship as a translator. Then, after the ship suffered severe damage in combat, we crashed at Alpha Pavonis.
Miraculously, I survived, and was rescued by an Ariloulaleelay exploration vessel. The Arilou, they could not heal my most severe injuries, so they brought me to the Umgah, who possess superior bio-engineering skills.
ZELNICK
I am Captain of the starship Vindicator. We have come in peace to talk with the Umgah leaders about overthrowing the Ur-Quan Hierarchy.
TALKING PET
Good idea! May I just say, I am behind you 100 percent! But unfortunately, the Umgah are all too busy to come to the HyperWave 'Caster right now... so... er... come back later... much later.
ZELNICK
I thought the Talking Pets weren't sentient? You seem smart enough.
TALKING PET
Oh... you know about that, do you? Oh well, I guess that means I'll have to kill you now. I can't permit you to reveal my transformation... the Ur-Quan might find out, and then my plans for revenge will be ruined.
Well, I tried to spare your life, Captain, but you were just too curious... so now:
-(SEEK DEATH AT THE HANDS OF YOUR ENEMY!)-
Aieee! I cannot compel you!? Your mind is closed to me -- how can this me?! I am forced to resort to... more primitive measures... Umgah commander, summon your ten combat ships and attack this intruder instantly!
TAKLING PET
You'll never believe this, but somehow, the injuries I suffered when the Ur-Quan crashed triggered some kind of, uh, personality transformation... I became evil and spiteful! Cruel and nasty! Whimsically unpleasant! You may also have noticed that I gained some kind of 'temporary psychic powers.' Well I just wanted to let you know... I AM CURED!
Captain, I don't know exactly how, but when you were fighting those Umgah ships, a chunk of the ceiling fell upon my head and gave me quite a whack! Ouchy-oochy... it still hurts! When I awoke, the universe had ceased to be the dark and hostile place I previously thought it to be. Instead, I was overwhelmed, yes, even awed by the beauty and perfection of it all! I also discovered that I had completely lost those wicked mental powers, and could now look forward to a NEW LIFE, filled with happiness, butterflies, and goodwill for all!
Your job is done, Captain! You have saved me! Now you can safely remove your psychic protection device, and leave. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THAN...
Why are you looking at me like that, Captain? Don't you believe me? You question my word? Okay, okay... so I was lying. Big deal! So what. Boy, are you A PAIN, do you know that? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, MY LIFE!?
Oh, you do? Hmph. Well, as an alternative, let me make this little suggestion... if you don't kill me, I'll help you do whatever you wish. Is it a deal, Captain? Hmmm? Hmmm?
ZELNICK
Talking Pet. What are you... really?
TALKING PET
I will gladly tell you my story, Captain. Gladly!
I was indeed a Talking Pet aboard an Ur-Quan Dreadnought. Those years are like a forgotten dream to me, because I was not sentient. I was a dumb beast -- an unthinking slave to the heinous Ur-Quan! Then there was a great battle... the ship was hit and severely damaged. Slaves running down the corridors! Commands, counter-commands! Then there was the scream of atmosphere outside the hull. There was a big explosion of light and thunder! We hit the surface of a planet, I'm pretty sure.
The next thing I can remember was the face of a creature you call the Arilou. I was in great pain, but the creature was kind. It did what it could for me by applying its own medicines to my alien form. I was transported off-planet. I remember an all-pervading green light -- then we were at the homeworld of the Arilou.
Again, Captain, forgive me if I am not more clear, but I was not intelligent yet. Give me a chance. I presume my injuries were too severe for the Arilou to repair, or perhaps I reacted badly to their medicines or something, because the next thing I remember was being moved back into a ship. Things grow dim; my next memory was being on board an Umgah starship. Wet flesh throbbing all around me, the Umgah laughing as they worked on my body. It was kind of unnerving.
Suddenly, like the explosion of a bomb, thought -- I mean REAL thought -- flooded my brain! I don't know how or why, but the Umgah had discovered that my brain could be easily changed, improved to give me true intelligence! What they didn't realize is that it also brought back a flood of memories. Memories of my species' ancient past! From before the time the Ur-Quan castrated our thinking minds, and transformed my people into crude beasts.
I am the only intelligent Dnyarri left in this galaxy, Captain. Now do you understand my lust for vengeance?
ZELNICK
An amazing story, if true. Pardon me if I am a bit skeptical, but you are a proven liar.
DNYARRI
It's all true, Captain! Every word! Now listen! And I shall tell you why the Ur-Quan did this to us.
It was over twenty thousand of your years ago, Captain, when an Ur-Quan slave raider landed on the surface of my world, and began capturing people -- killing those that would not submit! How can I know this, you ask? These memories are embedded deep in my genetic structure, they cannot be forgotten.
How we fought the Ur-Quan! Even then, they had a Hierarchy of combat thralls, though then, they called themselves by the absurd name, the Sentient Milieu! Ha! They were nothing more than thugs, especially those hideous Taalo. Those evil rocklike creatures were the worst of all! For fun, they would take one of our children... and then... roll over it! ...again and again, oh!
The war against the Ur-Quan and their Milieu lasted decades... millions of our people died... but with the forces of truth and justice at our side, we were prevailing. Then the Taalo made their fateful discovery... a shield against our only weapon, our weak psychic powers. With that shield, they were unstoppable... we had lost.
But the Ur-Quan, they were not satisfied merely with our defeat, our slavery... they wanted MORE! They wanted to punish us for our insolence at fighting back against them, so they devised the sickest, most cruel and perverse punishment ever imagined! They invaded our very genetic structure and hacked out enough of our minds to lobotomize us for all eternity. And then we were made their closest servants... their 'Talking Pets'. This was our punishment.
ZELNICK
What kind of deal, Talking Pet? Provide details.
DNYARRI
I get the basic idea: You want to overthrow the Ur-Quan. Bravo! Good idea! Way to go! I, too, wish to see the Ur-Quan beaten -- humiliated, destroyed... and I alone possess the unique ability that will help you achieve your goal. I can use my psychic powers to temporarily distract the Ur-Quan... confuse them for a few seconds. Presumably you will use this moment to strike a lethal blow against the Ur-Quan. Such a plan cannot fail, Captain. We must see to that.
ZELNICK
ALl right, I agree. But any tricks and you'll be sucking vacuum.
DNYARRI
No tricks, Captain. No tricks. I fear you cruelly misjudge me. I am on YOUR side now. Together we will make a great team, Captain. This day, this MOMENT shall go down forever in the history of our galaxy.
I am coming aboard your ship now. I will make a nest in the pressurized section of your ship's hold. When you wish to talk with me, I will be there.
There. Now I have the most dangerous being in the known universe on board my ship. I can have idle conversations with it!
DNYARRI
NOW, Captain! It is foolish to resist! ...hmm... it remains more effective than I had thought, you are still able to disobey. Ah, well. What can I do for you, Captain?
ZELNICK
Dnyarri. There is a nearby ship which is annoying me. Compel it to self-destruct.
DNYARRI
I am saving my meager powers for our final confrontation with the Ur-Quan. Sorry, Captain. You'll just have to deal with this one yourself.
ZELNICK
What can you tell me about your race, the Dnyarri?
DNYARRI
I consider such a question to be intrusive and impolite, but that is consistent with your behavior. What do you want to know?
ZELNICK
What can you tell me about yoru species' biology?
DNYARRI
You mean my superior brain, my mental prowess? I don't want to talk about it.
ZELNICK
Come on, we're friends! Tell me about the scope of your psychic powers!
DNYARRI
Captain, I don't think you meant to ask about my powers.
-(DIDN'T YOU MEAN TO ASK ABOUT FLOWERS?)-
ZELNICK
Yes - Dnyarri - I - wish - to - know - about - flowers.
DNYARRI
Flowers are beautiful, and smell nice. Now be ag ood human and...
-(LEAVE ME ALONE!)-
ZELNICK
I - wish - to - go - now.
DNYARRI
An excellent idea, Captain. You must have a great deal of work to attend to. Goodbye.
NEXT TIME: Our very last dealings with Juffo-Wup.
<< | ^^ | >>
Chapter 6: Loose Ends
Part 3: If Ever There Was A Devil
February 23, 2157
Remember when I talked to the Arilou, and they mentioned giving a Talking Pet to the Umgah? Well, time to met yet another new species.
On the way, we encounter one of their ships.
UMGAH
Har. Har. Har.
ZELNICK
I am Captain Zelnick, of the starship Vindicator. What is your response?
UMGAH
We. Respond. With. Appropriate. Awe. And. Respect.
Now. Go. Away.
ZELNICK
Umgah humor is renowned across space, so... know any good jokes?!
UMGAH
Joke. Yes. Joke. Here. Is. Joke.
When. Is. A. Slave. Not. A. Slave.
Answer.
When. He. Is. A. Slave. Master.
Har. Har. Har.
ZELNICK
Uh... that wasn't very funny. Can't you do better?
UMGAH
Better. Joke. Yes. Better. Joke. Here. It. Is.
What. You. Get. When. Combine. Deuterium. Pellet. Terawatt. Laser.
And. Primitive. Earth. Leader. From. Asian. Steppes.
Answer.
Khan. Fusion.
ZELNICK
Ugh! That wasn't a very good joke either. I don't think you guys are very funny.
UMGAH
Umgah. Are. Funny. We. Are. Umgah. We. Are. Funny.
There. Is. No. Alternative.
ZELNICK
So how's that Talking Pet getting along?
UMGAH
What. Talking. Pet. Do. Not. Understand. Reference.
ZELNICK
The Arilou told us they had given it to you... they did, right?
UMGAH
Human. Possesses. Forbidden. Knowledge.
No. Interference. In. Plan. Can. Be. Tolerated. Human. Must. Be. Eliminated.
The Umgah ship is a strange one. It can be immensely powerful of laughably weak, depending on the matchup and the pilot's skill.
The Drone's primary weapon is a very short-range antimatter field that does immense damage and vaporizes nearly any projectile. This weapon consumes no energy, and can thus be used indefinitely. The drawback is that the Drone is incredibly slow, and thus has difficulty catching its target. This is where its special ability comes into play: A high-speed inertialess backwards thrust. With a well-aimed launch, you can land yourself right next to the enemy ship and cause it huge amounts of damage.
Or you can eat plasma and die.
Anyway, something seems fishy about the Umgah, so I'm gonna pay their homeworld a visit.
Taalo Device... check.
ZELNICK
I thought this was the Umgah homeworld. Who are you?
TALKING PET
I am, uh, a peaceful creature, a friendly alien life form. The Ur-Quan call us 'talking pets'. Until recently, I was employed on a Dreadnought startship as a translator. Then, after the ship suffered severe damage in combat, we crashed at Alpha Pavonis.
Miraculously, I survived, and was rescued by an Ariloulaleelay exploration vessel. The Arilou, they could not heal my most severe injuries, so they brought me to the Umgah, who possess superior bio-engineering skills.
ZELNICK
I am Captain of the starship Vindicator. We have come in peace to talk with the Umgah leaders about overthrowing the Ur-Quan Hierarchy.
TALKING PET
Good idea! May I just say, I am behind you 100 percent! But unfortunately, the Umgah are all too busy to come to the HyperWave 'Caster right now... so... er... come back later... much later.
ZELNICK
I thought the Talking Pets weren't sentient? You seem smart enough.
TALKING PET
Oh... you know about that, do you? Oh well, I guess that means I'll have to kill you now. I can't permit you to reveal my transformation... the Ur-Quan might find out, and then my plans for revenge will be ruined.
Well, I tried to spare your life, Captain, but you were just too curious... so now:
-(SEEK DEATH AT THE HANDS OF YOUR ENEMY!)-
Aieee! I cannot compel you!? Your mind is closed to me -- how can this me?! I am forced to resort to... more primitive measures... Umgah commander, summon your ten combat ships and attack this intruder instantly!
TAKLING PET
You'll never believe this, but somehow, the injuries I suffered when the Ur-Quan crashed triggered some kind of, uh, personality transformation... I became evil and spiteful! Cruel and nasty! Whimsically unpleasant! You may also have noticed that I gained some kind of 'temporary psychic powers.' Well I just wanted to let you know... I AM CURED!
Captain, I don't know exactly how, but when you were fighting those Umgah ships, a chunk of the ceiling fell upon my head and gave me quite a whack! Ouchy-oochy... it still hurts! When I awoke, the universe had ceased to be the dark and hostile place I previously thought it to be. Instead, I was overwhelmed, yes, even awed by the beauty and perfection of it all! I also discovered that I had completely lost those wicked mental powers, and could now look forward to a NEW LIFE, filled with happiness, butterflies, and goodwill for all!
Your job is done, Captain! You have saved me! Now you can safely remove your psychic protection device, and leave. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THAN...
Why are you looking at me like that, Captain? Don't you believe me? You question my word? Okay, okay... so I was lying. Big deal! So what. Boy, are you A PAIN, do you know that? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, MY LIFE!?
Oh, you do? Hmph. Well, as an alternative, let me make this little suggestion... if you don't kill me, I'll help you do whatever you wish. Is it a deal, Captain? Hmmm? Hmmm?
ZELNICK
Talking Pet. What are you... really?
TALKING PET
I will gladly tell you my story, Captain. Gladly!
I was indeed a Talking Pet aboard an Ur-Quan Dreadnought. Those years are like a forgotten dream to me, because I was not sentient. I was a dumb beast -- an unthinking slave to the heinous Ur-Quan! Then there was a great battle... the ship was hit and severely damaged. Slaves running down the corridors! Commands, counter-commands! Then there was the scream of atmosphere outside the hull. There was a big explosion of light and thunder! We hit the surface of a planet, I'm pretty sure.
The next thing I can remember was the face of a creature you call the Arilou. I was in great pain, but the creature was kind. It did what it could for me by applying its own medicines to my alien form. I was transported off-planet. I remember an all-pervading green light -- then we were at the homeworld of the Arilou.
Again, Captain, forgive me if I am not more clear, but I was not intelligent yet. Give me a chance. I presume my injuries were too severe for the Arilou to repair, or perhaps I reacted badly to their medicines or something, because the next thing I remember was being moved back into a ship. Things grow dim; my next memory was being on board an Umgah starship. Wet flesh throbbing all around me, the Umgah laughing as they worked on my body. It was kind of unnerving.
Suddenly, like the explosion of a bomb, thought -- I mean REAL thought -- flooded my brain! I don't know how or why, but the Umgah had discovered that my brain could be easily changed, improved to give me true intelligence! What they didn't realize is that it also brought back a flood of memories. Memories of my species' ancient past! From before the time the Ur-Quan castrated our thinking minds, and transformed my people into crude beasts.
I am the only intelligent Dnyarri left in this galaxy, Captain. Now do you understand my lust for vengeance?
ZELNICK
An amazing story, if true. Pardon me if I am a bit skeptical, but you are a proven liar.
DNYARRI
It's all true, Captain! Every word! Now listen! And I shall tell you why the Ur-Quan did this to us.
It was over twenty thousand of your years ago, Captain, when an Ur-Quan slave raider landed on the surface of my world, and began capturing people -- killing those that would not submit! How can I know this, you ask? These memories are embedded deep in my genetic structure, they cannot be forgotten.
How we fought the Ur-Quan! Even then, they had a Hierarchy of combat thralls, though then, they called themselves by the absurd name, the Sentient Milieu! Ha! They were nothing more than thugs, especially those hideous Taalo. Those evil rocklike creatures were the worst of all! For fun, they would take one of our children... and then... roll over it! ...again and again, oh!
The war against the Ur-Quan and their Milieu lasted decades... millions of our people died... but with the forces of truth and justice at our side, we were prevailing. Then the Taalo made their fateful discovery... a shield against our only weapon, our weak psychic powers. With that shield, they were unstoppable... we had lost.
But the Ur-Quan, they were not satisfied merely with our defeat, our slavery... they wanted MORE! They wanted to punish us for our insolence at fighting back against them, so they devised the sickest, most cruel and perverse punishment ever imagined! They invaded our very genetic structure and hacked out enough of our minds to lobotomize us for all eternity. And then we were made their closest servants... their 'Talking Pets'. This was our punishment.
ZELNICK
What kind of deal, Talking Pet? Provide details.
DNYARRI
I get the basic idea: You want to overthrow the Ur-Quan. Bravo! Good idea! Way to go! I, too, wish to see the Ur-Quan beaten -- humiliated, destroyed... and I alone possess the unique ability that will help you achieve your goal. I can use my psychic powers to temporarily distract the Ur-Quan... confuse them for a few seconds. Presumably you will use this moment to strike a lethal blow against the Ur-Quan. Such a plan cannot fail, Captain. We must see to that.
ZELNICK
ALl right, I agree. But any tricks and you'll be sucking vacuum.
DNYARRI
No tricks, Captain. No tricks. I fear you cruelly misjudge me. I am on YOUR side now. Together we will make a great team, Captain. This day, this MOMENT shall go down forever in the history of our galaxy.
I am coming aboard your ship now. I will make a nest in the pressurized section of your ship's hold. When you wish to talk with me, I will be there.
There. Now I have the most dangerous being in the known universe on board my ship. I can have idle conversations with it!
DNYARRI
NOW, Captain! It is foolish to resist! ...hmm... it remains more effective than I had thought, you are still able to disobey. Ah, well. What can I do for you, Captain?
ZELNICK
Dnyarri. There is a nearby ship which is annoying me. Compel it to self-destruct.
DNYARRI
I am saving my meager powers for our final confrontation with the Ur-Quan. Sorry, Captain. You'll just have to deal with this one yourself.
ZELNICK
What can you tell me about your race, the Dnyarri?
DNYARRI
I consider such a question to be intrusive and impolite, but that is consistent with your behavior. What do you want to know?
ZELNICK
What can you tell me about yoru species' biology?
DNYARRI
You mean my superior brain, my mental prowess? I don't want to talk about it.
ZELNICK
Come on, we're friends! Tell me about the scope of your psychic powers!
DNYARRI
Captain, I don't think you meant to ask about my powers.
-(DIDN'T YOU MEAN TO ASK ABOUT FLOWERS?)-
ZELNICK
Yes - Dnyarri - I - wish - to - know - about - flowers.
DNYARRI
Flowers are beautiful, and smell nice. Now be ag ood human and...
-(LEAVE ME ALONE!)-
ZELNICK
I - wish - to - go - now.
DNYARRI
An excellent idea, Captain. You must have a great deal of work to attend to. Goodbye.
NEXT TIME: Our very last dealings with Juffo-Wup.
<< | ^^ | >>