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Let's Play The Ur-Quan Masters
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Final Chapter: Doctrinal Conflict
Part 3: Sa-Matra
May 2, 2157
Before we can get into the final battle, we get a message from a familiar friend!
YEHAT
...and probably don't like being interrupted, but we have important news! The Rebellion is WON! We are VICTORIOUS!
We have pulled the Veep-Neep harpy Queen and her cronies from the High Perch! And better yet... we have found a new Queen! A Queen who will unite the Clans in peace and harmony as never before! You will never guess who it is, Captain! A PKUNK! Yes! It is TRUE!
They survived their absorption into our culture, and are now providing us with insights into ourselves we never dreamed of! We only THOUGHT we were being happy birds of prey! We were fooling ourselves! Our new Queen's name is Braky Girdy the First! ...and her first command was to rush here and bring ye these ships... Yehat Terminators and Pkunk Furies. Now, Captain, together we can attack the Sa-Matra!
There it is. In all its hideous glory.
The Sa-Matra.
DNYARRI
...and now you can attack the vessel itself, so listen closely.
The Sa-Matra is protected by a thick shell of fused asteroids, reinforced with a weak statis field. You will never break through that. The only opening through the asteroid shield is covered with a powerful force screen. One touch of that screen and you're history, Captain.
To destroy the Sa-Matra, you will have to destroy the shield generators embedded in the asteroid shell. To drop the force screen, you will have to destroy all eight of them. When the screen is down, bring in your flagship, move into the astroid shell, and press the Big Red Button on your controls that starts the detonation sequence.
Your escape pod will eject automatically. Just hope that you're far enough away before that ship blows.
OK, human, this is it! The last battle, your final moment of triumph! Don't screw up.
And in case you're wondering, I'm not going with you, Captain. I'm staying on board. Why, you ask? BECAUSE I'M LOCKED IN HERE, YOU IDIOT! GET ME OUT!! HELP!!! HELP!!!
All right, Captain Fwiffo. For two long years you have accompanied my fleet. Today is the day you become a man.
So here we are. The Sa-Matra has two weapons. The first are green homing orbs that do minor damage, but knock your ship away from it. The second are homing fireballs with incredible reach that do unbelievable amounts of damage.
Our targets are those eight red orbs along its surface.
Fwiffo courageously charges the Sa-Matra, getting a few hits in with the Eluder's seldom-used forward gun, before exploding in a blaze of glory and courage.
R.I.P SPATHI CAPTAIN FWIFFO
MAY 2, 2157
Our next wave will be our Juggers. We have three, one of which is damaged, but their force field may allow them to get close enough to the Sa-Matra to attack the shield generators.
Our last Jugger gets a fantastic run in, destroying half of the Sa-Matra's shield generators before succumbing to my human reflexes. Next, we'll bring in the Yehat.
The Yehat Terminator is an admirable vessel. Its weapon is a shrot-range powerful twin machine gun. Its special ability is an energy-draining shield that renders it immune to enemy attack. Thus, the strategy is fairly similar to the strategy with the Juggers - play defensive, bounce off the green orbs, then swing around and do flyby attacks on the Sa-Matra.
The less abuseable Yehat shield, however, requires much more precision than the Utwig shield. Our first Yehat expires after destroying only a single generator.
For the final generator, I bring in the humble Pkunk. In reality, it turns out that this is the best ship in the game for fighting the Sa-Matra, as it is faster than all of the station's homing weapons.
All eight shield generators are down. The moment of truth is upon us.
No fancy tricks will save me here. All it comes down to is whether or not all 200 of my crew will be annihilated before I can maneuver my way into the entrance in the Sa-Matra's armor...
Come on come on come on come on come on
YES
I knew I was dead.
But if one HAS to die, I thought to myself...
...this was definitely the RIGHT way to be dead.
That was about the time I heard Talana's voice...
...telling me to stop babbling and listen for a moment.
She told me that the escape pod had almost been torn in half.
I had been unconscious for over three weeks...
...but my crew and I had succeeded in our mission!
The force of the explosion, amplified by the Chmmr crystals...
...had been sufficient to vaporize the Sa-Matra!
And following the destruction of the Sa-Matra battle platform...
...the fleets of the Ur-Quan and the Kohr-Ah had fallen into chaos...
...and had been vanquished by Chmmr forces and allied starships.
Then, Talana told me to sit up.
She said there was something she thought I'd like to see...
...I was in Sick Bay of the Starbase, looking out over Earth.
Beneath me throbbed the sick red glow of the Ur-Quan slave shield.
Talana smiled and said that for the past few days...
the Chmmr had been working on lowering the shield...
and that it should be neutralized right about... Now!
...and, for the first time in my life, I saw the true colors of Earth...
...blues and greens in a thousand different shades.
As we watched, we could see the first signs of ships coming up from Earth.
They lifted from the planet's surface to join us in space.
The destiny of Mankind had been delayed for over twenty years...
But now our world was free, and nothing could stop us!
I stayed in that hospital for almost a month...
...but that day...
...that day I watched the shield fall and beautiful Talana stood at my side...
I'll never forget that day. Not for the rest of my life...
Yeah! How did you get home?
How long did it take before you and Grandma finally got married?
...we got a little sidetracked.
Talana and I didn't make it back here to Unzervalt until almost five years later.
But Grandfather! What happened? Where did you go?
And how did you find the Mark II?
PIK
This game has been brought to you by Frungy! The Sport of Kings!
ZOQ
No it wasn't!
PIK
Yes it was!
ZOQ
Frungy had nothing to do with it! This game was about war, slaver, intolerance, heroism, justice, and the inevitable triumph of Good over Evil!
PIK
Are you crazy?! The developers got millions in Frungy endorsements!
ZOQ
No they didn't.
PIK
Yes they did.
ZOQ
No they didn't!
PIK
Yes they did!
ZOQ
Did not!
PIK
Did too!
ZOQ
Did not!
PIK
Did too!
DNYARRI
Well I'm not! I got away from the ship at the last second, and now I'm REALLY going to cause some trouble! In fact, that's what the sequel is going to be about!
Yeah, that's the ticket! Me and my exciting adventures as I conquer the galaxy for the greater glory of... ME! It will have action! It will have drama! It will have gratuitous alien sex scenes! It's gonna be great!
ORZ
HOLD IT! I'm getting sick of this stupid dialog! Who wrote this stuff -- a five year old?
Okay, okay. I'll try it again *sigh* ...*Happy* campres are best. It is good to *smell* you again...
UTWIG
Ever since you returned the Ultron to us, everything has been WONDERFUL... just perfect! Within just two days, our factories will begin churning out appropriate facial appliances, and I have already picked out my first mask... the Domino of Unrivaled Merriment!
Yes, we are all ecstatic... even the High Proctor gambols as she performs the Exultant Caper of Revelation! Look how she leaps with the Ultron held high! How she twists, how she twirls, how she slips and tosses the Ultron into the air... OH NOOooooo!!!
(CRASH!!)
THRADDASH
Throughout this entire game, I've done nothing but bluster and threaten! I've had no opportunity to show my true skills as an actor, my depth and range. No one knows my sensitivity... my gentle inner being. SNORT! What if from now on, I'm type-cast as a heavy?! WHIMPER! Now Spielberg may NEVER call me!
SUPOX
That was tough, playing second banana to the Utwig. Now I'm humgry, but I'm sick and tired of sunlight, sunlight, sunlight! I want some REAL food!!! Like a hamburger or a steak... better yet, how about a dog!
SYREEN
In fact, I just talked with the designers, and they have assured me that the sequel will be all about me! Isn't that great!
They said they wanted to move away from the warrior mythos, and expand more into the healer cycle. This may be my big chance!
The only thing I'm not sure about is the new costume they want me to wear. They said that this one would be REALLY revealing.
SHOFIXTI
Ho, ho! It is the creature which I wrongly called a disguisting Ur-Quan slimewad... and a cowardly slug-spawn... and a poucheless lard-log freak... and a leprous, non-functional sex organ... and a wallowing, phlegm-filled Ogrunti belly-licker. HA! My human friend has returned!
So what am I doing here, you ask? I'M TRYING TO GET SOME REST, THAT'S WHAT!!! I'll be lucky if I don't have a heart attack soon. You have no idea how hard it is to personally replenish an entire species!
PKUNK
But wait! This doesn't have to be the end! We have established a conduit from the reams of our Harmonic Awareness directly to you! You can use this channel to ask us questions about your past lives, or your future destiny! Just call 1-900-PKUNKRA... that's 1-900-PKUNKRA, 24 hours a day! Only two bucks per minute. (Children under 18 must have parental permission before calling.)
YEHAT
...well, I guess I can tell you now.
I'm writing a screenplay! It's an existential thriller! Kind of a cross between a Woody Allen angst-fest mixed with some of Tobe Hooper's best work.
But actually, this is just my way of getting my wing in the door, you see... what I really want to do is DIRECT!
DRUUGE
...for my role in the sequel... yes, rough ineed. To begin with, I want ten percent of the royalties, creative control over my dialog, and a fat cut of the toy licenses.
What!? What did you say?! The sequel is going to be all about ME? How wonderful! What an honor! What a great chance to move up the ladder towards... PRODUCER! Forget everything I said about license fees! It's an honor just to work with you!
UR-QUAN
Mary had a little lamb! I like to hold fuzzy little animals and give them huggie-wuggies.
You are probably wondering why an Ur-Quan is saying such stupid things. Well, he isn't saying them. I am... that's right -- ME, the little guy down in the corner.
Since I've been stuck down here for this entire game, translating 'Submit or Die!' into about a hundred different languages, I just thought I'd take this opportunity to express MY feelings. You want to know what I think? I think this whole game would have been better if they'd done it as a musical! That's what I think, but do the designers listen to me? NO!
VUX
Quick, hide your eye! AGGH! Look at the pulpy red thing in its mouth, how it wriggles and writhes like a wet blood worm, and plays over the hard white nubs that protrude from its headbone!
I think I'm going to be sick.
KOHR-AH
We are the Ur-Quan Kohr-Ah, the followers of the Path of Now and Forever! You are filth We shall cleanse. You WILL be annigilated... I mean, annihigated... damn! CUT! CUT! Let's start over!
Hey, mister director... can you PLEASE think of SOME other word besides... agnigilate... I mean, oh what's the use. I give up.
ARILOU
Do you know what REALLY happened at Roswell, New Mexico in the late 1940's? Have you ever heard about the Men in Black? Do you have any friends who have 'missing days'? Do you sleep with your window unlocked?
Be seeing you...
Thanks for watching, everyone! I hope you had at least half as much fun reading this as I did writing it!
<< | ^^ | >>
Final Chapter: Doctrinal Conflict
Part 3: Sa-Matra
May 2, 2157
Before we can get into the final battle, we get a message from a familiar friend!
YEHAT
...and probably don't like being interrupted, but we have important news! The Rebellion is WON! We are VICTORIOUS!
We have pulled the Veep-Neep harpy Queen and her cronies from the High Perch! And better yet... we have found a new Queen! A Queen who will unite the Clans in peace and harmony as never before! You will never guess who it is, Captain! A PKUNK! Yes! It is TRUE!
They survived their absorption into our culture, and are now providing us with insights into ourselves we never dreamed of! We only THOUGHT we were being happy birds of prey! We were fooling ourselves! Our new Queen's name is Braky Girdy the First! ...and her first command was to rush here and bring ye these ships... Yehat Terminators and Pkunk Furies. Now, Captain, together we can attack the Sa-Matra!
There it is. In all its hideous glory.
The Sa-Matra.
DNYARRI
...and now you can attack the vessel itself, so listen closely.
The Sa-Matra is protected by a thick shell of fused asteroids, reinforced with a weak statis field. You will never break through that. The only opening through the asteroid shield is covered with a powerful force screen. One touch of that screen and you're history, Captain.
To destroy the Sa-Matra, you will have to destroy the shield generators embedded in the asteroid shell. To drop the force screen, you will have to destroy all eight of them. When the screen is down, bring in your flagship, move into the astroid shell, and press the Big Red Button on your controls that starts the detonation sequence.
Your escape pod will eject automatically. Just hope that you're far enough away before that ship blows.
OK, human, this is it! The last battle, your final moment of triumph! Don't screw up.
And in case you're wondering, I'm not going with you, Captain. I'm staying on board. Why, you ask? BECAUSE I'M LOCKED IN HERE, YOU IDIOT! GET ME OUT!! HELP!!! HELP!!!
All right, Captain Fwiffo. For two long years you have accompanied my fleet. Today is the day you become a man.
So here we are. The Sa-Matra has two weapons. The first are green homing orbs that do minor damage, but knock your ship away from it. The second are homing fireballs with incredible reach that do unbelievable amounts of damage.
Our targets are those eight red orbs along its surface.
Fwiffo courageously charges the Sa-Matra, getting a few hits in with the Eluder's seldom-used forward gun, before exploding in a blaze of glory and courage.
R.I.P SPATHI CAPTAIN FWIFFO
MAY 2, 2157
Our next wave will be our Juggers. We have three, one of which is damaged, but their force field may allow them to get close enough to the Sa-Matra to attack the shield generators.
Our last Jugger gets a fantastic run in, destroying half of the Sa-Matra's shield generators before succumbing to my human reflexes. Next, we'll bring in the Yehat.
The Yehat Terminator is an admirable vessel. Its weapon is a shrot-range powerful twin machine gun. Its special ability is an energy-draining shield that renders it immune to enemy attack. Thus, the strategy is fairly similar to the strategy with the Juggers - play defensive, bounce off the green orbs, then swing around and do flyby attacks on the Sa-Matra.
The less abuseable Yehat shield, however, requires much more precision than the Utwig shield. Our first Yehat expires after destroying only a single generator.
For the final generator, I bring in the humble Pkunk. In reality, it turns out that this is the best ship in the game for fighting the Sa-Matra, as it is faster than all of the station's homing weapons.
All eight shield generators are down. The moment of truth is upon us.
No fancy tricks will save me here. All it comes down to is whether or not all 200 of my crew will be annihilated before I can maneuver my way into the entrance in the Sa-Matra's armor...
Come on come on come on come on come on
YES
I knew I was dead.
But if one HAS to die, I thought to myself...
...this was definitely the RIGHT way to be dead.
That was about the time I heard Talana's voice...
...telling me to stop babbling and listen for a moment.
She told me that the escape pod had almost been torn in half.
I had been unconscious for over three weeks...
...but my crew and I had succeeded in our mission!
The force of the explosion, amplified by the Chmmr crystals...
...had been sufficient to vaporize the Sa-Matra!
And following the destruction of the Sa-Matra battle platform...
...the fleets of the Ur-Quan and the Kohr-Ah had fallen into chaos...
...and had been vanquished by Chmmr forces and allied starships.
Then, Talana told me to sit up.
She said there was something she thought I'd like to see...
...I was in Sick Bay of the Starbase, looking out over Earth.
Beneath me throbbed the sick red glow of the Ur-Quan slave shield.
Talana smiled and said that for the past few days...
the Chmmr had been working on lowering the shield...
and that it should be neutralized right about... Now!
...and, for the first time in my life, I saw the true colors of Earth...
...blues and greens in a thousand different shades.
As we watched, we could see the first signs of ships coming up from Earth.
They lifted from the planet's surface to join us in space.
The destiny of Mankind had been delayed for over twenty years...
But now our world was free, and nothing could stop us!
I stayed in that hospital for almost a month...
...but that day...
...that day I watched the shield fall and beautiful Talana stood at my side...
I'll never forget that day. Not for the rest of my life...
Yeah! How did you get home?
How long did it take before you and Grandma finally got married?
...we got a little sidetracked.
Talana and I didn't make it back here to Unzervalt until almost five years later.
But Grandfather! What happened? Where did you go?
And how did you find the Mark II?
PIK
This game has been brought to you by Frungy! The Sport of Kings!
ZOQ
No it wasn't!
PIK
Yes it was!
ZOQ
Frungy had nothing to do with it! This game was about war, slaver, intolerance, heroism, justice, and the inevitable triumph of Good over Evil!
PIK
Are you crazy?! The developers got millions in Frungy endorsements!
ZOQ
No they didn't.
PIK
Yes they did.
ZOQ
No they didn't!
PIK
Yes they did!
ZOQ
Did not!
PIK
Did too!
ZOQ
Did not!
PIK
Did too!
DNYARRI
Well I'm not! I got away from the ship at the last second, and now I'm REALLY going to cause some trouble! In fact, that's what the sequel is going to be about!
Yeah, that's the ticket! Me and my exciting adventures as I conquer the galaxy for the greater glory of... ME! It will have action! It will have drama! It will have gratuitous alien sex scenes! It's gonna be great!
ORZ
HOLD IT! I'm getting sick of this stupid dialog! Who wrote this stuff -- a five year old?
Okay, okay. I'll try it again *sigh* ...*Happy* campres are best. It is good to *smell* you again...
UTWIG
Ever since you returned the Ultron to us, everything has been WONDERFUL... just perfect! Within just two days, our factories will begin churning out appropriate facial appliances, and I have already picked out my first mask... the Domino of Unrivaled Merriment!
Yes, we are all ecstatic... even the High Proctor gambols as she performs the Exultant Caper of Revelation! Look how she leaps with the Ultron held high! How she twists, how she twirls, how she slips and tosses the Ultron into the air... OH NOOooooo!!!
(CRASH!!)
THRADDASH
Throughout this entire game, I've done nothing but bluster and threaten! I've had no opportunity to show my true skills as an actor, my depth and range. No one knows my sensitivity... my gentle inner being. SNORT! What if from now on, I'm type-cast as a heavy?! WHIMPER! Now Spielberg may NEVER call me!
SUPOX
That was tough, playing second banana to the Utwig. Now I'm humgry, but I'm sick and tired of sunlight, sunlight, sunlight! I want some REAL food!!! Like a hamburger or a steak... better yet, how about a dog!
SYREEN
In fact, I just talked with the designers, and they have assured me that the sequel will be all about me! Isn't that great!
They said they wanted to move away from the warrior mythos, and expand more into the healer cycle. This may be my big chance!
The only thing I'm not sure about is the new costume they want me to wear. They said that this one would be REALLY revealing.
SHOFIXTI
Ho, ho! It is the creature which I wrongly called a disguisting Ur-Quan slimewad... and a cowardly slug-spawn... and a poucheless lard-log freak... and a leprous, non-functional sex organ... and a wallowing, phlegm-filled Ogrunti belly-licker. HA! My human friend has returned!
So what am I doing here, you ask? I'M TRYING TO GET SOME REST, THAT'S WHAT!!! I'll be lucky if I don't have a heart attack soon. You have no idea how hard it is to personally replenish an entire species!
PKUNK
But wait! This doesn't have to be the end! We have established a conduit from the reams of our Harmonic Awareness directly to you! You can use this channel to ask us questions about your past lives, or your future destiny! Just call 1-900-PKUNKRA... that's 1-900-PKUNKRA, 24 hours a day! Only two bucks per minute. (Children under 18 must have parental permission before calling.)
YEHAT
...well, I guess I can tell you now.
I'm writing a screenplay! It's an existential thriller! Kind of a cross between a Woody Allen angst-fest mixed with some of Tobe Hooper's best work.
But actually, this is just my way of getting my wing in the door, you see... what I really want to do is DIRECT!
DRUUGE
...for my role in the sequel... yes, rough ineed. To begin with, I want ten percent of the royalties, creative control over my dialog, and a fat cut of the toy licenses.
What!? What did you say?! The sequel is going to be all about ME? How wonderful! What an honor! What a great chance to move up the ladder towards... PRODUCER! Forget everything I said about license fees! It's an honor just to work with you!
UR-QUAN
Mary had a little lamb! I like to hold fuzzy little animals and give them huggie-wuggies.
You are probably wondering why an Ur-Quan is saying such stupid things. Well, he isn't saying them. I am... that's right -- ME, the little guy down in the corner.
Since I've been stuck down here for this entire game, translating 'Submit or Die!' into about a hundred different languages, I just thought I'd take this opportunity to express MY feelings. You want to know what I think? I think this whole game would have been better if they'd done it as a musical! That's what I think, but do the designers listen to me? NO!
VUX
Quick, hide your eye! AGGH! Look at the pulpy red thing in its mouth, how it wriggles and writhes like a wet blood worm, and plays over the hard white nubs that protrude from its headbone!
I think I'm going to be sick.
KOHR-AH
We are the Ur-Quan Kohr-Ah, the followers of the Path of Now and Forever! You are filth We shall cleanse. You WILL be annigilated... I mean, annihigated... damn! CUT! CUT! Let's start over!
Hey, mister director... can you PLEASE think of SOME other word besides... agnigilate... I mean, oh what's the use. I give up.
ARILOU
Do you know what REALLY happened at Roswell, New Mexico in the late 1940's? Have you ever heard about the Men in Black? Do you have any friends who have 'missing days'? Do you sleep with your window unlocked?
Be seeing you...
Thanks for watching, everyone! I hope you had at least half as much fun reading this as I did writing it!
<< | ^^ | >>