prof | Let's Play Umineko Chiru, Episode 30: The Trial of Lovers

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BGM: Kina no Kaori

We were just so bored of showing up the same way every time!

We thought we'd change our style a bit!

We are entertainers! And the stage is alive!

You've got to ad lib every now and then!

Yeah, we could've done without that, dammit...

...Thanks for helping remove the tension, you two. Sorry, but we're still talking about what to do in the second trial. We'd like a little more time. And if possible, some quiet.

Sorry, George. Actually, we have a truly important announcement regarding the second trial.

It is good news for some! Is it bad news for others?

Those for which it is bad news have probably already figured it out!

...Beatrice...?

...It's nothing.

...

We'd like to announce that Battler has retired before the second trial.

The witch's game will wait forever for him, but a pair of lovers cannot wait forever.

Love is like ice cream! It's sweet and creamy, but if you don't eat it quickly, you'll lose it. Our game isn't so gracious that it'll wait for him to return.

...So that's what you meant by good news.

Heh. Well, I'm glad that our rivals have gone down in number, but if you thought I'd applaud another person's misfortune, you're totally wrong.

Battler... the one we thought of as our greatest enemy... I won't ask why. If the demons in charge say so, then that's how it is.

Then... what will happen to Beatrice...?

It seems I will lose the right to take this trial.

After all, this is a trial to test the bonds between lovers!

Battler isn't currently capable of doing that. So, his pair is disqualified! How truly saddening!

However, she is one of the participants in this three-way trial of love. So, I think we should let her watch the trial as an observer!

A splendid idea! She does have the right to bless the pair that does overcome the trial!

...Are you okay with that?

Yes... I want to watch until the end. And... I still believe he will come back quickly, regain the right to join in, and continue this trial with me once again.

I think she has the right to be an observer.

No objections.

There's no need for us to be cruel.

But even so... we've lost a powerful rival. Sorry to you two, but I'd like to settle this trial right away.

Ah, that's George for you! I'm rooting for you the most on the inside!

The coldness with which he furnishes that love makes its heat stand out all the more!

At any rate, we've now gone down from three to two, and the three-way deadlock has been resolved. We weren't able to fight proactively because we were afraid of a one against two situation.

Now that it's one against one, it's just a good, clean duel.

...

So in the end, we find that we should have just done that from the beginning...

Beato watches in silent confusion from the sidelines.

Why do they have to fight?

Why are they destined to fail withotu a miracle?

Why is the demon's game necessary?

Big sister...

I would like to save you, both as my dear sister and as a part of my full self. I will tackle Battler's closed room in my own way... but it is difficult. It feels almost as though an ordinary chain has been made to look like a puzzle...

I heard from Lambdadelta... She said that the old Beatrice could definitely solve this with a trick. Don't you have any idea.

That old Beatrice is our completed form after we become one. Even I am naught but a part of her. I cannot solve it...

I won't give up... I'll set right to work on that closed room! Unless I can save Battler as soon as possible, his heart will be crushed.

Of course, I have no reservations about lending my own wisdom. However, even I cannot make anything out of this closed room...

If we put our heads together, I'm sure we'll find the same answer that we would if we were joined. Please, don't give up, and lend me your wisdom!

...I still can't understand why you're willing to go so far for Battler. However, I shall do as you ask. After all, it is a request made by myself. I will add my wisdom to yours...

Oh, they can! If they have the miracle of love, that is!

That's right, Zepar! They can certainly do it if they have the miracle of love on their side!

...They'll realize. If they have love, they certainly will.

I already have a certain answer. What these demons have said supports that even further...

Yeah, okay, you're incredible. You always know the right answer, and you'll never let me hear any of it. Going by the rule of observers, until you tell me about it, it's possible that you're just pretending that you know.

Pft, hahahahahaha. Yes, I believe I do prefer a bad-mouthed miko. Very well, child of man. To me, a miko's sarcasm and abuse is like a ceremonial dance in my honor.

Yeah, you're a real irritating master. Stupd Battler, why did you make a closed room like that...

Think, child of man. Thinking is not only a job for the characters within the tale. As a Reader, you too have the right to enjoy thinking... and I enjoy watching you as you do.

I'm willing to make a bet. Your last miko ran out of patience and ran away from you, didn't she?

You are free to enjoy yourself by scolding me. You are also free to consider the problem like the two Beatos. Unless you think, the tale will not continue.

Why? I'm a Reader, right? Can't I just stay quiet and read?

I see... you're a pretty unpleasant author, aren't you?

Cool! Looks like she got you, lady! Hahahahahaha!

Your own views and reasoning. That's what I want. If you tell me those now, I'll hand over the rest of the manuscript.

Quite mocking me. You think I'll just do whatever you say after something like this?

Come on now, lady, calm down. I want to read on too, so please just chill out a bit.

About the rest of the manuscript, Hachijo. You write about the answer to the closed room trick and the truth behind the riddles, right?

Of course. However, I haven't written it so that those who fail to think or consider will understand.

Eventually, your passionate readers are gonna say that you've betrayed them.

I understand that, which is why I don't go out in the open, child of man.

Anyway, this is what Hachijo's trying ot say: First, tell me your answer. After that, I'll let you check it.

Correct, young man. I am not trying to be mean. I am asking because I want you to truly understand the tale's conclusion.

You're really enjoying this, aren't you, Amakusa? Yeah, come to think of it, you always take those TV quiz shows totally seriously. It looks like you enjoy life much more than I do.

Come, please think. What miraculous trick could get Battler out of the closed room? I want to give the rest of the story especially to those... no, only to those who have thought.

Oh, you. Congratulations on your big victory. Heheh, that's strange. I think I remember saying the same thing to you right here at thte end of the last game.

I... happened to hear what you said a short while back.

What?

I heard that you have also... had the experience of being toyed with as a piece on some great witch's game board, then sealed away in some awful hell...

Are you saying... that my master also fell into the hell of a logic error at some point?

She did, thoguh she wasn't the one responsible for that logic error.

Because she wasn't the Game Master?

My master was also... a witch's piece?

Yes. That kid's master was another bad one... Though she created the game herself, partway through, she lost sight of what her goal was. She ended up creating something like a broken game of backgammon, where the start and goal were connected like a donut.

What do you mean, she lost her goal?

I'm talking about a logic error. In her backgammon game, she was unable to draw up a line of logic describing how to reach the goal she desired. So, the game remained broken, with no goal at all. In that case, she should have quieted down and thought of an answer herself. Instead, she despicably left even the thinking entirely to her piece, Bern... Have you heard of the infinite monkey theorem?

...Wouldn't that be a horrible hell? Bern was forced to type randomly on a typewriter for an eternity, without even knowing the meaning of what she was doing. The Game Master was trying to get Bern to create a goal that the same Game Master hadn't even thought of.

A job with a random ending has no sense of progression. It doesn't recognize any of your work.

I can't even imagine. They must be unbelievably small.

That's right. It's not really any different from an endless span of time. For that dizzying sort of time, that child kept pounding on that typewriter until she typed out a miracle.

And that's why she's the Witch of Miracles?

If she wasn't a witch... no, if she hadn't been able to become a witch, she would probably still be a black cat strapped to that typewriter for eternity. That child was blessed by a miracle, became a witch, and returned from that hell alive.

Th-That's not true! I am honored to be my master's piece. My master is strong. Trampling over the weak is her natural right.

Because she's a human on the bully's side of life? Heheh. Do you know how to create a great bully?

...No.

It's easy. For just a short time, bully them horribly. Then suddenly stop, and give them power. If you do that, then no matter who it is, they will be reborn as a great bully. And surprisingly, though the person only has to be bullied for about three days, you'll get them to believe, for a hundred million times longer than that, that they are still being bullied.

You don't understand anything about Bern. No matter what kind of ruthless, cruel, horrible scum Bern may be, I want to be the one person who knows what she's truly like... and it's the same for me. I think that kid, as a fellow survivor from hell, is the only one who can understand what I'm truly like. It sounds like you're jealous of the relationship we have, but give it up. The hell you think you've trudged through is nothing more than a blink compared to the one we crawled out of.

...If you'll pardon me for saying, I think it's the depth of the hell that's important, not the length of time spent there.

Oh? You think so, Witch of Truth, Erika?

I don't know what kind of hell you were in, Lady Lambdadelta... and I'm sure the time I spent in hell was nothing more than a flash compared to yours. However, I don't think the depths of my hell were any shallower than yours.

...I'll listen to all you have to say, including your victory celebration, without arguing back.

From my point of view, both the hell my master fell into, which could only be escaped by a miracle, and the hell you fell into, which I don't know about but could be escaped from with certain willpower were hells made to be escapable.

So you say.

I am the Witch of Truth. My hell was nothing more or less than the truth. When faced with the harsh reality of truth, no sort of willpower or miracle matters. I reached this place by overcoming that truth. I don't believe my power of withstanding the truth is in any way inferior to yours or my master's.