prof | Let's Play Homestuck

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Act 4: Flight of the Paradox Clones

Part 3: Trolls on Parade

While wondering how to get that parcel from the enemy agent, a minitablet finds its way over to you!

It appears to be a request for, in fact, the very parcel the enemy is taking away.

A direct diplomatic method, surprisingly, doesn't get you killed!

He can't give you the parcel. They are illegal contraband, and must go straight to his superiors.

However, the envelope is clearly yours by right of minitablet.

Mail delivered!

Now to follow that guy until you can get his parcel...

Meanwhile, John does a terrible job of putting out a burning village.

>John, the uncarved tablet you retrieved. Do you still have it?

>Rose, find your sprite.

>Your deceased pet.

>Is it not why you are here?

>Follow these footsteps. Examine your pet's tomb.

Someone was here recently.

You are now the mayor of Exile Town.

While admiring the starry night, some huge eggy looking thing appears.

Pre-punched card complete!

Dave is now the proud owner of an eggy looking thing.

TG: oh man
TG: its awesome where you put that
TG: i was worried we were on the verge of getting some shit done

GG: duuurrrrr dave i was going to build some stairs up there durrrrrhhhhhh

TG: you say there will be stairs
TG: and yet
TG: i see no stairs

GG: gosh i dont know i guess i didnt find the time to make them because i keep getting punched in the face by robots and stuff!!!!!!!
GG: ;p

TG: am i supposed to break that thing
TG: or hatch it
TG: or what

GG: i dont know!

But before you can do anything with it...

TG: ok so
TG: the egg is now in a nest made of shitty swords and soft puppet ass
TG: please advise

GG: i think your sprite wants to hatch it!
GG: awww

TG: do you think thatll take more than four hours

GG: i guess we'll find out!

TG: maybe i should try to get it back
TG: and put it in the microwave

GG: :(

While you wait for that, it's time to upgrade your gear!

You have no idea what this thing does.

You also installed some new software:

gristTorrent.

You begin illegally pirating John's grist.

EB: i went through the gate, nanna said you might be here too.
EB: are you in kind of this spooky glowy place with oily rivers and stuff?

TT: I guess one could use those words to describe it.
TT: If armed with a predilection for the inapt.

EB: ok, what words would you use, miss wordypants mcsmartybluh.

TT: Eerily iridescent?
TT: I certainly don't see any oily rivers.

EB: it's like a whole planet down here.
EB: oh man, which reminds me.
EB: i just got hounded by a troll.

TT: Yes, one of them is bugging me now.

EB: yeah, i guess answer him if you want. or not.
EB: but anyway, it's great you made it here alive and stuff!
EB: so dave came through?

TT: Eventually.
TT: Pardon the envy I'm about to vent in your direction.
TT: For finding yourself at the mercy of a rational orchestrator.

EB: yeah, i'd feel kinda weird if dave was watching me too.

TT: You don't feel weird when I watch you?

EB: rose i feel weird when you're just TALKING to me, when you're watching me it's just like the weird frosting on the big weirdo cake.
EB: ok, i'm going to go over this river and through these woods.
EB: you talk to your troll i guess.
EB: we'll compare notes later.

TT: Ok.
TT: Bye, John.

-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --

GC: H3Y L4LOND3
GC: STOP CRY1NG 1N YOUR MOMS B3V3R4G3
GC: SH3 H4T3S YOU 4ND H4S L3FT YOU FOR3V3R
GC: H3H3H3H >8D

TT: Now I'm confused.
TT: On the surface, this appears to be another contrivance from a troll desperate to offend.
TT: But John said you wanted to be friends.
TT: And if you knew me, I suppose your remark could be construed as a ploy to elicit agreement.
TT: So which is it?

GC: YOUR T3XT SM3LLS GOOD
GC: 1S TH4T L4V3ND3R

TT: You smell words?

GC: YOU DONT???

TT: Right. Aliens, I forgot.

GC: 1 FORG3T TH4T YOU HUM4NS 4CTU4LLY COMMUN1C4T3 W1TH SP33CH 1NST34D OF R3L34SING CLOUDS OF FR4GR4NT G4S3S
GC: 4ND SM3LL1NG 3ACH OTH3RS S3NT3NC3S

TT: Gross.

GC: 4H4H4H4 SO GULL1BL3
GC: YOULL B3L13V3 4NYTH1NG 1 T3LL YOU
GC: OF COURS3 W3 T4LK DUMMY >8]

TT: Still not sure if I'm being courted or trolled here.

GC: 1M GO1NG TO GO W1TH TH3 LATT3R
GC: 1 H4T3 YOU 4LL QU1T3 4 LOT
GC: BUT 1 TH1NK
GC: TH3 OTH3RS W1LL 3V3NTU4LLY R34L1Z3 TH4T 1TLL B3 MUTU4LLY B3N3F1C14L FOR US 4LL TO WORK TOG3TH3R
GC: 4ND SO TH3YLL PROB4BLY B3 4LL FR13NDLY L1KE L4T3R ON
GC: BUT 1 1NT3ND TO ST4Y P1SS3D 4T YOU FOR3V3R
GC: 3V3N 1F 1 S33M H3LPFUL

TT: Then you're in luck.
TT: Because you don't.

GC: TH3 F4CT TH4T 1 W1LL B3 H3LPFUL
GC: 1S 4N 1MMUT4BL3 F4CT 1 4M ST4T1NG FOR TH3 R3CORD
GC: 1T DO3S NOT M34N FR13NDSH1P 1S WH4T 1S T4K1NG PL4C3 H3R3

TT: John was told you were moving backwards through time.
TT: Was he gullible to believe this?
TT: Or is the fact that I'm asking just further indication of my own gullibility?

GC: W3 H4V3NT 3V3N B33N T4LK1NG TO YOU FOR LONG
GC: L1K3 4 F3W M1NUT3S FROM MY P3RSP3CT1V3
GC: 1M ST4Y1NG L1N34R
GC: C4US3 W31RD T1M3 STUFF G1V3S ME A H34D4CHE

TT: Alright, let's continue milking my human gullibility and say I believe you. You're the sensible one who's decided to communicate with us in linear lockstep with our timeline in order to help us out.
TT: How can you help me?

GC: DO3S 1T S33M L1K3 TH3R3 1S A SUBTL3 VO1C3 1N YOUR H34D URG1NG YOU TO DO TH1NGS

TT: It's not so subtle, actually.

GC: 1TS 4N 3X1L3

TT: Exiled from what?

GC: TH3YR3 ON YOUR D34D PLAN3T
GC: JUST L1K3 TH3YR3 ON OURS
GC: Y34RS 4FT3R 1TS R3CKON1NG
GC: TH31R ROL3 1S TO H3LP YOU ON YOUR QU3ST 1N SOM3 W4YS
GC: COGS 1N P4R4DOX SP4C3

TT: Paradox space?

GC: L1ST3N TH3 UN1V3RS3 W1LL 34T P4R4DOX3S FOR BR34KF4ST
GC: 4ND SO W1LL TH1S G4M3
GC: G3T US3D TO 1T

TT: So the exiles are on Earth? Does that mean our goal is to get back there too? To resurrect it somehow?

GC: S33 1RON1C4LLY TH3Y G3T TO DO TH4T
GC: 4ND 1F TH3YR3 SUCC3SSFUL 1N THOUS4NDS OR M1LL1ONS OF Y34RS TH3 T3CHNOLOGY 1S UN34RTH3D 4ND TH3 PL4N3T 1S R1P3 FOR S33D1NG 4LL OV3R 4G41N

TT: You never answered the question. Where were they exiled from?

GC: FROM TH3 TWO K1NGDOMS 1N TH3 1NC1P1SPH3R3
GC: 3XP4TR14T3D DUR1NG TH3 R3CKON1NG
GC: TH1S W1LL B3 MOR3 CONSTRUCT1V3
GC: 1F 1 CONT4CT YOU 4G41N 1N 4 L1TTL3 WH1L3
GC: WH3N YOU KNOW MOR3

TT: When?

GC: 1N 4 COUPL3 OF S3CONDS
GC: FOR M3
GC: BUT NOT FOR YOU

-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --

In the past...

GT: hey, happy birthday jade!

GG: yay thank you john!!!!! :D

GT: whew ok, i got your present in the mail JUST on time.
GT: plus i sent rose's and dave's too.
GT: why do your guys'es birthdays got to be all bunched together like that??? you are running me ragged!

GG: heheh i know but it is nice of you to think of us all like that!
GG: it might take a while to get here from there but it will be worth the wait!

GT: oh man.
GT: i am such an idiot, i forgot about how long it takes you to get stuff.
GT: ARGH.

GG: john thats ok really! im sure will get to me exactly when it needs to and it will be a nice surprise when it does!

GT: ok well i hope so.

GG: <3......
GG: uhhhh hold on

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] --

CG: WAIT GOD DAMMIT DON'T BLOCK ME.
CG: I MEAN NOT THAT BLOCKING ME WOULD DO ANYTHING.
CG: BUT JUST LISTEN.

GG: what do you want?????

CG: I JUST HAVE TO DELIVER A MESSAGE AND THEN I'LL GO.
CG: IT IS A MESSAGE FROM YOU, SO YOU PROBABLY OUGHT TO LISTEN.

GG: every time i believe something you say you laugh at me and call me a gullible human!!!!
GG: its so childish

CG: OK FINE I ADMIT IT, I COMPLETELY SHIT THE BED HERE.
CG: I'LL KEEP GIVING YOU A HARD TIME, BUT SEE THAT WON'T BE PRESENT ME.
CG: THAT'S PAST ME.
CG: FROM LIKE A HALF HOUR AGO OR SO, WHEN I WAS MORE HOT AND BOTHERED ABOUT ALL THIS, OK?

GG: i dont know what youre talking about at all.....

CG: SEE WE'RE TRYING TO TALK TO YOU IN THE FUTURE, AND IT'S IMPORTANT, BUT YOU WON'T ANSWER US.
CG: SO WE TALKED TO YOU WAAAY IN THE FUTURE TO ASK HOW TO GET IN TOUCH WITH NOT-SO-FUTURE YOU.
CG: SHE SAID TO TALK TO YOU NOW AND TELL YOU THIS.
CG: YOU KNOW YOUR ROBOT?

GG: you mean the robot you think is stupid?
GG: the one youve mocked me for having on a number of occasions???

CG: LATER ON IT WILL BLOW UP FOR SOME REASON. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHY.
CG: WHEN IT HAPPENS YOU WON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
CG: THE THING TO DO IS TO CONTACT US.
CG: AND WE'LL TELL YOU WHAT TO DO.

GG: why should i do that?

CG: BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU TOLD US TO TELL YOU.
CG: WHATEVER, BELIEVE ME, DON'T BELIEVE ME, I DID MY JOB.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling gardenGnostic [GG] --

GG: ok im back sorry
GG: i had to tell someone to go away!

GT: oh god.
GT: the trolls again?

GG: yup :o

GT: they have been such a pain in the ass lately.
GT: i've been thinking of changing my pesterchum handle to throw them off.
GT: so...
GT: i guess i'm gonna do that.

-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling ghostlyTrickster [GT] --

GC: H3H3

GT: uuuuugh

GC: H4H4H
GC: H3H3H3H3
GC: LOL!
GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3
GC: >:]

GT: well
GT: i guess you're not too bad a troll if this is all you do.
GT: just laughing and stuff.

GC: H33H33H33!!!!
GC: H4H4H4H4

GT: hehe

GC: 4H4H4H44H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4

GT: hehehehehehe

GC: JOHN
GC: WHY WOULD YOU L4UGH 4T 4 BL1ND G1RL

GT: uh...

GC: YOU H4V3 NO 1D34 HOW MUCH YOU D1SGUST M3
GC: YOUR3 4 TOT4L D1SGR4C3 TO TH3 F13LD OF 3CTOB1OLOGY
GC: 1F W3 3V3R M33T
GC: 1M GO1NG TO CUT YOUR THRO4T
GC: 4ND L1ST3N TO YOU BL33D WH1L3 1 SM3LL YOU D13

-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling ghostlyTrickster [GT] --

In your quest to get that parcel, you have followed the Authority Regulator into enemy territory.

You are too nervous to talk to anyone, but you'll need to get that box!

There's someone important looking up ahead...

NEXT CHAPTER: Upgrades and more trolling!

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