prof | Let's Play Umineko, Episode 1: Tea Party

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When you read any story, there are two layers of reality at play. There is the reality where you live, and the reality of the story, which you observe.

In Umineko, things are a little different.

Welcome to Purgatorio.

So what actually happened? Was that the Bad End, where time runs out before the culprit is exposed?

Uu, definitely a bad ending. Uu.

I wonder about that. Shannon, you did a good job, too! You don't have to be our waitress and serve tea. After all, this is the after-party. As a group of people who met a horrible fate, let's all get along and lick our wounds!

Speaking of a horrible fate, Shannon beats the rest of us hands down, doesn't she? She's beautiful, so I was sure she'd survive until the very end, but she was killed right off the bat. And half of her face was smashed, right? That's the worst!

...That was my role, so, um... there was no way around it...

There is nothing to worry about. Judging by the last epilogue, even Milady and the others met an excessively tragic end.

Ahaha... so it seems. I think I remember seeing this horrible image, like my entire body had been eaten apart and dismembered.

Speaking of which, don't you think Kanon's last moments were the coolest? Even though he had the tables turned on him, it was a showdown with the culprit, right? It's way better than our confusing last moments, right?

...Though, in the end, I was unable to get a solid hit in.

Still, I think that Kanon's death was a big hint. Because of that, the existence of the 19th person was proven.

That's right. At that time, everyone's location was obvious, so nobody but an unknown 19th person could have killed Kanon.

Uu! Maria said it was Beatrice from the start, over and over. Uu!

...I don't wanna believe it, but that does prove the culprit was the witch, Beatrice.

That's right... There were many strange things that happened... which a human couldn't do...

Uu. Only a witch could murder Eva in that closed room. A human couldn't do it! Uu!

...Not only is the existence of a 19th person clear, but it is also obvious that this person holds power beyond human reckoning.

In that case, I don't think there's anything wrong with calling them Beatrice.

At the very end, I think we met with the Golden Witch.

...I think that, despite the fact that horrible cases kept occurring one after the other, Maria was able to avoid Beatrice's menace until the end.

Maria believed in Beatrice from the very beginning... but if that's the case, how do you explain why Kanon and the rest were all killed? They believed in her just as much, right?

...Beatrice probably had her reasons.

If the song of the epitaph represented Beatrice's resurrection ceremony, many sacrifices were needed. He must simply have been designated to be one of those.

...Shannon, you met a horrible end... At the very least, I wish your death could have been more peaceful.

...Um, well... it's not like it hurt... Anyways, right now, I'm perfectly fine, so don't worry.

Well, it feels a bit weird saying this... but I was sure this story would be in the standard mystery genre. I'm a little surprised to find out that it's fantasy. A mansion shut away on an isolated island, in a world revolving around some inheritance... it sounds just like a mystery novel to me.

Uu! It's not fantasy! Beatrice exists!

That's right. Beatrice does exist.

I hate to admit it, but I've got no choice. It's obvious that a witch was involved!

I can say it now - every crime was impossible without the power of a witch's magic. Long live Beatrice. Hahahahahaha.

Uu. Everyone believed. Maria's happy. Uu!

So, this murder game is finally over. Now's the time to pull ourselves together and try hard to solve the riddle of the epitaph, just like Beatrice said, right?

Uu! I agree! Beatrice will definitely be happy!

Maybe we should have tried solving the riddle from the beginning, like Beatrice said.

It's a little late now, but let's try solving it now and see if Beatrice forgives us. Let's see, it started with something like, 'my beloved hometown, the sweetfish river running through it'...

I've been listening to you guys for a while. Why did you all stop thinking? Why are you sure that the witch was behind all of this?

Looks like someone hasn't quite given up yet.

It's not like he has all the answers, though. If the culprit isn't a witch, how did they kill Eva and Hideyoshi in a perfect closed room?

Come on, Battler. Just accept it. It's so much easier!

You can't just selfishly proclaim it's a human and refuse to explain anything.

How immature, Battler. You don't have the first idea what you're talking about. You can't explain the 19th person in the boiler room.

Oh, come now. This is just getting painful to watch.

A weak theory befitting a simpleton such as yourself. For this to be the case, Nanjo would have to be in on it - he identified every corpse.

And Nanjo himself was among the victims!

Give up.

Give up, or give me a real theory. No abstract logic. Explain properly how a human could have committed every crime.

At this rate, he'll never learn, will he? What a fool.

You're the only one left. Once you accept it, the truth will be absolute.

What Battler is saying is that, unless a witch appears before him in the flesh, he'll never accept that she exists.

Doesn't he have the first idea who he's dealing with here?

You pathetic fool. Just who do you think has been narrating all this?

BGM: Organ Short No. 600 Million in C Minor

Beatrice
The Golden Witch
True Ruler of Rokkenjima

That's right! You thought it was someone else, but the one narrating this Tea Party has been none other than ME, BEATRICE!

So, if everyone believes you exist, you will finally be allowed to exist. You have that kind of a half-existence, right? That's why you want to make me believe. You can't exist because I don't believe in you!

Your power of understanding isn't bad, for a mediocre low-life who knows nothing of magic... I see, it seems that you were born with a strong magic-resisting power. The natural enemy of us witches. No matter how much we turn your world upside down, you'll never believe in us. I accept your attitude.

I've got no clue what you're talking about! It's very kind of you to go through all the trouble of showing yourself to us, but I don't believe you exist in the slightest.

It's true that many strange things happened during those two days. Like Maria said earlier, even though I think that all of the tricks have explanations, I can't explain each one. However, that doesn't mean I'll surrender!

This just keeps getting more interesting. Making you surrender will be worth my time... You're just the kind of man I'd like to force into praising my name... I'd love to try making a man like you kiss my toes!

If you want to talk nonsense, talk all you want...! I deny you exist. All of the events can be explained with human tricks! There's no room for even a speck of magic or witches!

Wonderful! this is the perfect form of diversion from a thousand years of boredom. Then let me as you: A short while ago, you said that using the crack in the door would be sufficient to kill Eva and Hideyoshi, right...? Explain how they could have been killed using some human trick.

...Heh. Suddenly jumping right into the hardest part, are you? Does that mean that this is the trick you're the most proud of, Miss Real Culprit?

Rokkenjima.

The door was sealed by chain. How do you solve it, Battler?

How would they reach Eva over on the bed that you can't see through this crack? And how would they reach Hideyoshi, in the bathroom with the door shut?

I'll return the narration for now, Conductor, so pay close attention!

Beatrice calls forth two of the Stakes - Beelzebub and Asmodeus.

Responding to the witch's command, the stakes fly through the gap in the door.

That's how Beatrice kills. To a powerful witch, such a feat is meaningless.

Purgatorio.

It looks like Kanon's dead once again.

Shannon begs for Beatrice's mercy. Battler, however, still doesn't back down.

At his stubborn resistance, Shannon returns to her original state, as well. Two dead.

It is by Beatrice's will that they were revived. And so it is by Battler's defiance that they die once more.

George and Jessica disintegrate as well.