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Let's Play The Ur-Quan Masters
<< | ^^ | >>
Chapter 1: Meeting the Neighbors
Part 2: Operation Spathi
When we brought Fwiffo onto our team, he gave us the coordinates of the Spathi homeworld. Let's go check that out!
This is the farthest we have yet gone from the starbase. We'll have to do some quick harvesting in the area so that we can cover fuel costs.
Not so impressive of a system! Only one planet, of which we will be going to the moon of.
And we encounter this. Intimidating? Maybe. This just means that if we actually try and fight them, there's an infinite number of enemies.
Let the diplomacy begin!
ZELNICK
Huffi-Muffi-Guffi.
SAFE ONES
You have given us the correct Cypher and so you will not be destroyed immediately. Now, if you please, tell us how you acquired our most Secret Spathi Cypher, which every Spathi swears never, never to reveal, even when threatened with considerable pain.
ZELNICK
We met a Spathi on Pluto... uh, we became good friends!
SAFE ONES
And just where is this Spathi 'friend' now? Never mind -- the answer is all too obvious in your tiny, dry eyes.
ZELNICK
We have Fwiffo on board. He can vouch for our good intentions!
SAFE ONES
If you held a weapon to Fwiffo's head, he would say anything you wanted him to say. In fact, if you held a vegetable to his head, he would probably say anything you wanted him to say.
ZELNICK
We come in peace, and with good will.
SAFE ONES
No doubt.
ZELNICK
We offer our hand in friendship. Join us and our many allies.
SAFE ONES
We are too afraid of the Ur-Quan to consider such an alliance. They would most certainly punish us with extreme tortures.
ZELNICK
We're stronger than the Ur-Quan. You're better off with us.
SAFE ONES
Hello! Hello! Awaken from your dreamy state, Hunam! Now is the time for realism, not wild fancy!
ZELNICK
Yes we ARE strong enough! Look at our Precursor vessel. Is it not unique?
SAFE ONES
Yes, your vessel is unique, and here is the crux of the problem. A 'Unique', meaning singular, starship is not equal to the task of destroying the entire Ur-Quan armada. If you had, say, ten thousand similar starships, we could take your boasts more seriously.
ZELNICK
Look, what do I have to do to prove this to you - destroy your entire fleet?
SAFE ONES
Well, that would probably work, but I have a better idea -- a test... one of those questy kind of things.
ZELNICK
Well, what kind of test do you have in mind?
SAFE ONES
You must wipe the Evil Ones from the face of Spathiwa!
ZELNICK
Tell me more about these Evil Ones.
SAFE ONES
Let us explain the sad history of our species.
Once upon a time, many thousands of years ago, we inhabited the warm, safe surface of our home planet, Spathiwa. We were happy and content. During these golden centuries, we evolved from a primitive nomadic culture into a complex, agrarian society. We learned to write on clay tablets, and we were well on to being able to read those tablets... when the Darkness fell upon us... when the Evil Ones came!
Creatures from the darkest pits of hell they were. They hunted our people -- devoured them like tasty nodules, and we had no defense against them. Suddenly, our culture became once more nomadic. We fled across the oceans, from continent to continent, but the evil ones always followed. Spurred by our great need, we advanced from bronze to atomic technology in less than one of your centuries, but none of our innovations was a match for the Evil Ones' natural cunning and ferocity.
Finally, with no other option available, we fled our world and took up residence here on our own moon, where we have resided, most uncomfortably, for the last three hundred years.
ZELNICK
OK, I accept! Start packing your bags, eyeball dudes, you'll be home in no time.
SAFE ONES
We will await your return with great anticipation. Simultaneously, we will prepare a short, poignant eulogy to mourn your demise.
So here we are, on Spathiwa's moon. In the business of being efficient go-getters, we'll head directly for the surface, to wage a horrible war against the Evil Ones.
BEHOLD: The Evil Ones. They don't move, and can't hurt you in any way unless you touch them directly. In short, it's almost harder to fail at this than it is to succeed.
As is my custom, I make one boneheaded mistake, and lose seven crew here.
ZELNICK
Although we lost many crew, we have eliminated the scourge.
SAFE ONES
This is wonderful -- too good to be true! We will immediately begin transporting Spathi from this unpleasant moon down to the safe surface. We shall send encrustlings and the infirm elderly first, as a special honor!
Please come back later to recieve your accolades.
Not good enough, Spathi.
Not nearly good enough.
SAFE ONES
You are most heroic and helpful - thank you, thank you, thank you! But now I must return to our festivities. Please feel free to come back any time!
ZELNICK
Hey! A deal's a deal! What about our alliance?
SAFE ONES
Why don't you just wait a while, until after we are resettled on our homeworld? We can discuss details at that time.
ZELNICK
How long do you expect this to take?
SAFE ONES
Ten, fifteen years tops.
ZELNICK
Am I correct in understanding that you refuse to live up to your end of the bargain?
SAFE ONES
No, no, no! We are simply taking a more adult, 'welcome to the real world' view of the situation. We cannot simply say, 'Hurrah!' and form an alliance with you this very moment. Surely you see that?
ZELNICK
You know, those creatures aren't dead. We have them in suspended animation. How would you like us to return them to the surface?
SAFE ONES
NO!... er,... no... please!
(sigh)
exactly what kind of relationship were you thinking of?
ZELNICK
A mutually beneficial alliance of minds and might.
SAFE ONES
Huh?
ZELNICK
An egalitarian fellowship of sentient lifeforms.
SAFE ONES
What?
ZELNICK
The kind where you do everything EXACTLY as we say.
SAFE ONES
Oh, ok... we're quite familiar with that arrangement. Very well... I'll be we will regret this decision later on, but you leave me with no choice. We will comply with your needs. A Spathi delegation will depart immediately for the planet Earth.
And so, the Spathy have been strongarmed into the New Alliance of Free Stars. That brings our total races count up to two!
NEXT TIME: Alliance *parties* with *many bubbles*.
<< | ^^ | >>
Chapter 1: Meeting the Neighbors
Part 2: Operation Spathi
When we brought Fwiffo onto our team, he gave us the coordinates of the Spathi homeworld. Let's go check that out!
This is the farthest we have yet gone from the starbase. We'll have to do some quick harvesting in the area so that we can cover fuel costs.
Not so impressive of a system! Only one planet, of which we will be going to the moon of.
And we encounter this. Intimidating? Maybe. This just means that if we actually try and fight them, there's an infinite number of enemies.
Let the diplomacy begin!
ZELNICK
Huffi-Muffi-Guffi.
SAFE ONES
You have given us the correct Cypher and so you will not be destroyed immediately. Now, if you please, tell us how you acquired our most Secret Spathi Cypher, which every Spathi swears never, never to reveal, even when threatened with considerable pain.
ZELNICK
We met a Spathi on Pluto... uh, we became good friends!
SAFE ONES
And just where is this Spathi 'friend' now? Never mind -- the answer is all too obvious in your tiny, dry eyes.
ZELNICK
We have Fwiffo on board. He can vouch for our good intentions!
SAFE ONES
If you held a weapon to Fwiffo's head, he would say anything you wanted him to say. In fact, if you held a vegetable to his head, he would probably say anything you wanted him to say.
ZELNICK
We come in peace, and with good will.
SAFE ONES
No doubt.
ZELNICK
We offer our hand in friendship. Join us and our many allies.
SAFE ONES
We are too afraid of the Ur-Quan to consider such an alliance. They would most certainly punish us with extreme tortures.
ZELNICK
We're stronger than the Ur-Quan. You're better off with us.
SAFE ONES
Hello! Hello! Awaken from your dreamy state, Hunam! Now is the time for realism, not wild fancy!
ZELNICK
Yes we ARE strong enough! Look at our Precursor vessel. Is it not unique?
SAFE ONES
Yes, your vessel is unique, and here is the crux of the problem. A 'Unique', meaning singular, starship is not equal to the task of destroying the entire Ur-Quan armada. If you had, say, ten thousand similar starships, we could take your boasts more seriously.
ZELNICK
Look, what do I have to do to prove this to you - destroy your entire fleet?
SAFE ONES
Well, that would probably work, but I have a better idea -- a test... one of those questy kind of things.
ZELNICK
Well, what kind of test do you have in mind?
SAFE ONES
You must wipe the Evil Ones from the face of Spathiwa!
ZELNICK
Tell me more about these Evil Ones.
SAFE ONES
Let us explain the sad history of our species.
Once upon a time, many thousands of years ago, we inhabited the warm, safe surface of our home planet, Spathiwa. We were happy and content. During these golden centuries, we evolved from a primitive nomadic culture into a complex, agrarian society. We learned to write on clay tablets, and we were well on to being able to read those tablets... when the Darkness fell upon us... when the Evil Ones came!
Creatures from the darkest pits of hell they were. They hunted our people -- devoured them like tasty nodules, and we had no defense against them. Suddenly, our culture became once more nomadic. We fled across the oceans, from continent to continent, but the evil ones always followed. Spurred by our great need, we advanced from bronze to atomic technology in less than one of your centuries, but none of our innovations was a match for the Evil Ones' natural cunning and ferocity.
Finally, with no other option available, we fled our world and took up residence here on our own moon, where we have resided, most uncomfortably, for the last three hundred years.
ZELNICK
OK, I accept! Start packing your bags, eyeball dudes, you'll be home in no time.
SAFE ONES
We will await your return with great anticipation. Simultaneously, we will prepare a short, poignant eulogy to mourn your demise.
So here we are, on Spathiwa's moon. In the business of being efficient go-getters, we'll head directly for the surface, to wage a horrible war against the Evil Ones.
BEHOLD: The Evil Ones. They don't move, and can't hurt you in any way unless you touch them directly. In short, it's almost harder to fail at this than it is to succeed.
As is my custom, I make one boneheaded mistake, and lose seven crew here.
ZELNICK
Although we lost many crew, we have eliminated the scourge.
SAFE ONES
This is wonderful -- too good to be true! We will immediately begin transporting Spathi from this unpleasant moon down to the safe surface. We shall send encrustlings and the infirm elderly first, as a special honor!
Please come back later to recieve your accolades.
Not good enough, Spathi.
Not nearly good enough.
SAFE ONES
You are most heroic and helpful - thank you, thank you, thank you! But now I must return to our festivities. Please feel free to come back any time!
ZELNICK
Hey! A deal's a deal! What about our alliance?
SAFE ONES
Why don't you just wait a while, until after we are resettled on our homeworld? We can discuss details at that time.
ZELNICK
How long do you expect this to take?
SAFE ONES
Ten, fifteen years tops.
ZELNICK
Am I correct in understanding that you refuse to live up to your end of the bargain?
SAFE ONES
No, no, no! We are simply taking a more adult, 'welcome to the real world' view of the situation. We cannot simply say, 'Hurrah!' and form an alliance with you this very moment. Surely you see that?
ZELNICK
You know, those creatures aren't dead. We have them in suspended animation. How would you like us to return them to the surface?
SAFE ONES
NO!... er,... no... please!
(sigh)
exactly what kind of relationship were you thinking of?
ZELNICK
A mutually beneficial alliance of minds and might.
SAFE ONES
Huh?
ZELNICK
An egalitarian fellowship of sentient lifeforms.
SAFE ONES
What?
ZELNICK
The kind where you do everything EXACTLY as we say.
SAFE ONES
Oh, ok... we're quite familiar with that arrangement. Very well... I'll be we will regret this decision later on, but you leave me with no choice. We will comply with your needs. A Spathi delegation will depart immediately for the planet Earth.
And so, the Spathy have been strongarmed into the New Alliance of Free Stars. That brings our total races count up to two!
NEXT TIME: Alliance *parties* with *many bubbles*.
<< | ^^ | >>