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Let's Play The Ur-Quan Masters
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Chapter 3: Smells Like Sidequests
Part 1: Meeting Admiral Badtouch
You know, it must be really unnerving to be commander Hayes.
You're hanging out on this space station supporting the enigmatic Captain Zelnick. He disappears for weeks at a time, then comes back asking for dozens of new crew members to replace the ones who died in situations he doesn't explain. You'd love to stop throwing your men away on his insane missions, but each time he comes back with new alliances with ominous alien races, tons of radioactive and exotic materials, and a plethora of precursor artifacts. He seems oddly tight-lipped about his mission, but if you try to accuse him of recklessness, he reminds of of the one thing you can't deny: He gets results.
Sighing deeply, you try to find another 53 volunteers for the ship (which is rapidly developing a reputation for being cursed), while your scientists try to figure out how that rock is blocking esper activity.
December 19, 2155
While we were off galavanding and getting our shit together, our allies started doing weird things.
Most notable on the map here is that the Spathi are gone. Much less notable by that map is the fact that the Pkunk fleet is on the move. Before we go investigate, I'd better give some background on that situation.
The Pkunk and another race I have yet to meet, the Yehat, both used to be the same race. The Yehat are much more warlike, and were also conquered by the Ur-Quan during the war.
PKUNK
We have waited far too long to return home and heal the wound that has kept our race apart these many centuries. When we arrive in the Serpentis constellation, we will greet our Yehat brethren with warm hugs of affection, which I am sure shall be returned in kind.
ZELNICK
Your trip is fruitless. The Yehat will blow you out of the stars.
PKUNK
No, we are certain that our Yehat siblings are spiritually prepared for our reunion. We shall proceed.
And the conversation ends. Let's find another one and try speaking in their language.
PKUNK
Once more we have set out to return home -- home to our loving, but misguided brothers and sisters. Please do not try to stop us this time. We are firm in our resolve.
ZELNICK
Turn back! Our most mystical device, the, er... Ouija Board, giave a definite NO when we asked it about your trip.
PKUNK
Hmm... this is an ominous portent. We must consult our spirit guides before proceeding. Unfortunately, we will have to return home to do this properly. Thank you for your concern.
All right, that's dealt with, for the moment. But we have a few things to deal with still. To QuasiSpace, and then to Spathi space!
Oh, no! Look what happened to Spathiwa!
Let's see if there's a clue on the moon!
Sir, it's a note from the Spathi high council. I'll read it to you...
Dear Hunams,
How are you? We are fine. However can we thank you for letting us study your planet Earth's slave shield?
Admittedly, it took us some time to replicate the technology ourselves, but we are simply delighted with the results!
Yessiree, we sure love the idea of putting an impenetrable shield around our planet! Now all those evil monsters that were just about to attack won't be able to eat us -- thanks!
I guess this means we won't be able to send you any more starship captains -- sorry! Well, they want to turn on the shield about now, so we've got to get going. I'm sure we'll never ever talk with you again, so goodbye and thanks again!
Your Friends,
The Spathi Ruling Council
P.S. This machine is the super-powerful hyperwave caster that the Umgah used to trick us into believing that the 'Grand Master Planet Eaters' were coming to destroy Spathiwa. We thought maybe you'd like to have it.
---- END OF TRANSMISSION ----
So that's nice. The Spathi have left our alliance to hide on their homeworld. Fortunately, we're up one HyperWave caster, which will come in handy multiple times. Back to QuasiSpace, and we're ready to talk to a new alien race!
This path wil take us through the territory of the VUX, another one of the Hierarchy's battle thrall races. Along the way, I run into one of their fleets:
Meet the VUX
While the VUX are obliged to fight for the Ur-Quan, it seems they likely would have done so at some point either way. When Humans first made contact with the VUX, the Human captain committed some horrible insult to the entire VUX species, completely by accident, causing them to hate us forever. Nobody is very clear on what the insult actually was. Also, they find Humans to be absolutely hideous.
VUX
To gain an intimate knowledge of our engines of war, simply place both hands over your eyes, and count to three.
ZELNICK
VUX. We seek to learn more about you. Maybe then we can see eye to... eyes.
VUX
Look, vomitous alien. If you want to talk to one of our species without making them sick, why don't you go see Admiral ZEX at his world in Alpha Cerenkov. He (urp!) likes humans.
ZELNICK
Why are you so hostile toward our species?
VUX
Augh! You are even uglier than I had thought possible! Can't you see you are making me sick? Please, foul creature, turn your head, or better yet, put a sack over it. Never mind, I have adjusted my display so it is dim enough to be tolerable. In answer to your question, our response is simple. We must attack you because our masters the Ur-Quan wish it so! Now if you don't mind, stop nodding your head like that. We VUX do not share this range of motion, and it appears as though your neck is broken, and you are a jabbering corpse. Ugh.
ZELNICK
Is there another reason you hate us? Come on, tell me the truth.
VUX
Do we need another reason? Ah! I understand. You refer to the First Human Encounter: the Insult!
What more can be said? On that day your species proved its true crass nature. You see, we VUX pride ourselves on our oppen-mindedness, our ability to see beyond even the most bizarre and disgusting face like yours, but that insult was so low, so totally reprehensible that we will never forget it. Yes, to be honest, that event pretty much fixed our attitude setting at 'ABHOR'. I suspect we will despise you forever.
ZELNICK
What if we apologized? Could we talk truce then?
VUX
Er... probably not. You see, although we VUX are highly reasonable beings who would never judge a race solely on its (urk!) appearance, the magnitude of your Captain Rand's insult was such that we will probably never forgive your species.
ZELNICK
Well, I'll try anyway. The People of Earth Hereby Apologize To The VUX!
VUX
Nope. I didn't think that would be sufficient. It lacked conviction. Sorry, but I'm afraid we'll just have to kill you now.
Battle time!
The VUX Intruder is a potentially nasty ship. It's very slow and has terrible maneuverability, but its primary weapon is a short-to-medium range laser of incredible power, and its special fires homing mines that cling to your ship, slowing it down. As these mines stack up, eventually your ship can get drawn into VUX firing range.
You also have to be careful at the very start of a battle, because unlike most ships, which warp in at a random point, the VUX Intruder has an extra change to warp in right next to you.
Fortunately, Fwiffo's ship proves too fast for the VUX to get a hold on, and he destroys all three handily.
So! Here we are in Alpha Cerenkov to talk to Admiral ZEX. Unfortunately, I don't remember which planet is his. Fortunately, I've been meaning to get some resource gathering done. After covering every planet, I come to the home of our creepy friend, as he has something that we totally need, even if we don't know why just yet.
ZEX
I am Admiral ZEX. Please do not be frightened. Unlike the rest of my species, I... enjoy humans. You may know me by my reputation, my leadership of VUX forces during the war with your Alliance. I assure you that this behavior, a sad necessity of those times, belies a much kinder, gentler being.
Please be welcome! We can get to know one another... expand our interspecies relationship. But wait. How silly of me. You aren't ehre for polite repartee. You have come for my Shofixti Maidens.
ZELNICK
Admiral ZEX, why don't you attack us, as all other VUX have?
ZEX
Because I like Humans, Captain. I respect and admire your species. I do not share the vigoted views of most of my people.
ZELNICK
Ah, Admiral ZEX? Why do you like us? We thought all VUX hated humans.
ZEX
No, no, not all VUX, Captain! Most... but not all. It is true when the majority of my people view one of your species, they are forced to regurgitate, but there are those among us who have grown beyond such childishness to take a more liberal view. We, the few sophisticates, are not subject to the whims and fads of current fashion. Our likes and dislikes are strictly based on personal preferences.
We see the... beauty in you Humans. The value in a long-term... relationship. You are diffierent, yes. But personally, I like difference. In fact, I ADORE it. Your physique is so wonderfully varied! Your multitudinous rigid appendages, your tiny double eyes, your varied skin coloration, and the delightful patchwork of hair covering only parts of your bodies, leaving other parts bare and smooth! Mmmmmm!
I value your species, Captain. I see you as just 'people'... like us VUX.
((This path of conversation goes on, but I'm weirded out enough by now that I'm ready to change the subject.))
ZELNICK
We require the Shofixti Maidens. We are prepared to use force if necessary.
ZEX
Hee! Hee! Hee! Oh, Captain, that would be such an unfortunate mistake, a grave error on both our parts. We have so much to learn from each other, so much to give each other. It would be such a sad loss if were to fall back to the mindless blasting and killing that has marred our two species' relationship up to this point.
Admittedly, as THE acknowledged VUX military genius, I would find it interesting to fave your ONE powerful, alien starship with my huge personal fleet of Intruders, but oh! What a mistake it would be. Also... I think it only fair to warn you, Captain, that in my campaigns I collected many interesting items. Amongst these treasures is a Precursor artifact, a warp nullification field, that prevents nearby ships from making emergency HyperSpace maneuvers... from running away. I note by the scars on the rear of your vessel that you have made many such escapes.
So you see, Captain, if you attack me, you will face the greatest military tactician in VUX history, commanding an almost infinite number of enemy combat ships, and the battle will be to the Death! Surely we can find an alternative.
ZELNICK
What are you doing here, Admiral ZEX?
ZEX
Ah, such a good question! But you always were a bright species. I will explain.
After the Great War, in which I played some small part, the VUX high council, in recognition for my servicse, granted me this planet, so that I might pursue my... hobby, without disturbing the general VUX populace. I am a collector, you see. I have the finest menagerie of... beautiful... creatures in all space.
ZELNICK
A menagerie? Is this a collection of animals, like a zoo?
ZEX
Animals? Hee! Hee! Hee! Oh, no, Captain! Not mere animals! My menageries contains only the most... beautiful... creatures in the galaxy! Each of my children, as I like to call them, has a wonderful set of traits, which make them unique and special... especially to me! I have a complete variety of beasts from as far away as Procyon and Vega.
No, this is not just some 'zoo'! I have worked diligently for many years to craft my menagerie, to gradually improve it. Perhaps you can't tell, but I am rather proud of it!
Alas, there is one creature, one GORGEOUS animal which I do not yet possess. I would give almost ANTHING for that creature, Captain.
ZELNICK
If we went and got this little critter for you, would you give us the Shofixti Maidens?
ZEX
Hmmm... what an interesting proposal! I never would ahve thought of such a wonderful idea myself. You are a genius, Captain!
In answer to your question, yes! I accept your offer. Deliver the creature to me, and I shall give you the Shofixti Maidens. I will even provide you with a clue to finding the creature's native planet!
My source for this information is an ancient wildlife handbook, written millenia ago by some unknown alien author. THe pertinent passage goes as follows: '... demise, It(!) basks in yellow light within the constellation Linch-Nas-Ploh.'
We have trnaslated 'Linch-Nas-Ploh' to mean, approximately, 'the long-thin creature who has swallowed the huge beast'. I am afraid this is all that I know. I hope it is sufficient.
ZELNICK
Goodbye, Admiral ZEX.
ZEX
Goodbye, beautiful human. I hope we can meet someday as friends... perhaps even more.
A shower and a hasty retreat from the star system later, it's time to go monster hunting.
NEXT TIME: Monster hunting and a conclusive visit to Admiral Badtouch.
<< | ^^ | >>
Chapter 3: Smells Like Sidequests
Part 1: Meeting Admiral Badtouch
You know, it must be really unnerving to be commander Hayes.
You're hanging out on this space station supporting the enigmatic Captain Zelnick. He disappears for weeks at a time, then comes back asking for dozens of new crew members to replace the ones who died in situations he doesn't explain. You'd love to stop throwing your men away on his insane missions, but each time he comes back with new alliances with ominous alien races, tons of radioactive and exotic materials, and a plethora of precursor artifacts. He seems oddly tight-lipped about his mission, but if you try to accuse him of recklessness, he reminds of of the one thing you can't deny: He gets results.
Sighing deeply, you try to find another 53 volunteers for the ship (which is rapidly developing a reputation for being cursed), while your scientists try to figure out how that rock is blocking esper activity.
December 19, 2155
While we were off galavanding and getting our shit together, our allies started doing weird things.
Most notable on the map here is that the Spathi are gone. Much less notable by that map is the fact that the Pkunk fleet is on the move. Before we go investigate, I'd better give some background on that situation.
The Pkunk and another race I have yet to meet, the Yehat, both used to be the same race. The Yehat are much more warlike, and were also conquered by the Ur-Quan during the war.
PKUNK
We have waited far too long to return home and heal the wound that has kept our race apart these many centuries. When we arrive in the Serpentis constellation, we will greet our Yehat brethren with warm hugs of affection, which I am sure shall be returned in kind.
ZELNICK
Your trip is fruitless. The Yehat will blow you out of the stars.
PKUNK
No, we are certain that our Yehat siblings are spiritually prepared for our reunion. We shall proceed.
And the conversation ends. Let's find another one and try speaking in their language.
PKUNK
Once more we have set out to return home -- home to our loving, but misguided brothers and sisters. Please do not try to stop us this time. We are firm in our resolve.
ZELNICK
Turn back! Our most mystical device, the, er... Ouija Board, giave a definite NO when we asked it about your trip.
PKUNK
Hmm... this is an ominous portent. We must consult our spirit guides before proceeding. Unfortunately, we will have to return home to do this properly. Thank you for your concern.
All right, that's dealt with, for the moment. But we have a few things to deal with still. To QuasiSpace, and then to Spathi space!
Oh, no! Look what happened to Spathiwa!
Let's see if there's a clue on the moon!
Sir, it's a note from the Spathi high council. I'll read it to you...
Dear Hunams,
How are you? We are fine. However can we thank you for letting us study your planet Earth's slave shield?
Admittedly, it took us some time to replicate the technology ourselves, but we are simply delighted with the results!
Yessiree, we sure love the idea of putting an impenetrable shield around our planet! Now all those evil monsters that were just about to attack won't be able to eat us -- thanks!
I guess this means we won't be able to send you any more starship captains -- sorry! Well, they want to turn on the shield about now, so we've got to get going. I'm sure we'll never ever talk with you again, so goodbye and thanks again!
Your Friends,
The Spathi Ruling Council
P.S. This machine is the super-powerful hyperwave caster that the Umgah used to trick us into believing that the 'Grand Master Planet Eaters' were coming to destroy Spathiwa. We thought maybe you'd like to have it.
---- END OF TRANSMISSION ----
So that's nice. The Spathi have left our alliance to hide on their homeworld. Fortunately, we're up one HyperWave caster, which will come in handy multiple times. Back to QuasiSpace, and we're ready to talk to a new alien race!
This path wil take us through the territory of the VUX, another one of the Hierarchy's battle thrall races. Along the way, I run into one of their fleets:
Meet the VUX
While the VUX are obliged to fight for the Ur-Quan, it seems they likely would have done so at some point either way. When Humans first made contact with the VUX, the Human captain committed some horrible insult to the entire VUX species, completely by accident, causing them to hate us forever. Nobody is very clear on what the insult actually was. Also, they find Humans to be absolutely hideous.
VUX
To gain an intimate knowledge of our engines of war, simply place both hands over your eyes, and count to three.
ZELNICK
VUX. We seek to learn more about you. Maybe then we can see eye to... eyes.
VUX
Look, vomitous alien. If you want to talk to one of our species without making them sick, why don't you go see Admiral ZEX at his world in Alpha Cerenkov. He (urp!) likes humans.
ZELNICK
Why are you so hostile toward our species?
VUX
Augh! You are even uglier than I had thought possible! Can't you see you are making me sick? Please, foul creature, turn your head, or better yet, put a sack over it. Never mind, I have adjusted my display so it is dim enough to be tolerable. In answer to your question, our response is simple. We must attack you because our masters the Ur-Quan wish it so! Now if you don't mind, stop nodding your head like that. We VUX do not share this range of motion, and it appears as though your neck is broken, and you are a jabbering corpse. Ugh.
ZELNICK
Is there another reason you hate us? Come on, tell me the truth.
VUX
Do we need another reason? Ah! I understand. You refer to the First Human Encounter: the Insult!
What more can be said? On that day your species proved its true crass nature. You see, we VUX pride ourselves on our oppen-mindedness, our ability to see beyond even the most bizarre and disgusting face like yours, but that insult was so low, so totally reprehensible that we will never forget it. Yes, to be honest, that event pretty much fixed our attitude setting at 'ABHOR'. I suspect we will despise you forever.
ZELNICK
What if we apologized? Could we talk truce then?
VUX
Er... probably not. You see, although we VUX are highly reasonable beings who would never judge a race solely on its (urk!) appearance, the magnitude of your Captain Rand's insult was such that we will probably never forgive your species.
ZELNICK
Well, I'll try anyway. The People of Earth Hereby Apologize To The VUX!
VUX
Nope. I didn't think that would be sufficient. It lacked conviction. Sorry, but I'm afraid we'll just have to kill you now.
Battle time!
The VUX Intruder is a potentially nasty ship. It's very slow and has terrible maneuverability, but its primary weapon is a short-to-medium range laser of incredible power, and its special fires homing mines that cling to your ship, slowing it down. As these mines stack up, eventually your ship can get drawn into VUX firing range.
You also have to be careful at the very start of a battle, because unlike most ships, which warp in at a random point, the VUX Intruder has an extra change to warp in right next to you.
Fortunately, Fwiffo's ship proves too fast for the VUX to get a hold on, and he destroys all three handily.
So! Here we are in Alpha Cerenkov to talk to Admiral ZEX. Unfortunately, I don't remember which planet is his. Fortunately, I've been meaning to get some resource gathering done. After covering every planet, I come to the home of our creepy friend, as he has something that we totally need, even if we don't know why just yet.
ZEX
I am Admiral ZEX. Please do not be frightened. Unlike the rest of my species, I... enjoy humans. You may know me by my reputation, my leadership of VUX forces during the war with your Alliance. I assure you that this behavior, a sad necessity of those times, belies a much kinder, gentler being.
Please be welcome! We can get to know one another... expand our interspecies relationship. But wait. How silly of me. You aren't ehre for polite repartee. You have come for my Shofixti Maidens.
ZELNICK
Admiral ZEX, why don't you attack us, as all other VUX have?
ZEX
Because I like Humans, Captain. I respect and admire your species. I do not share the vigoted views of most of my people.
ZELNICK
Ah, Admiral ZEX? Why do you like us? We thought all VUX hated humans.
ZEX
No, no, not all VUX, Captain! Most... but not all. It is true when the majority of my people view one of your species, they are forced to regurgitate, but there are those among us who have grown beyond such childishness to take a more liberal view. We, the few sophisticates, are not subject to the whims and fads of current fashion. Our likes and dislikes are strictly based on personal preferences.
We see the... beauty in you Humans. The value in a long-term... relationship. You are diffierent, yes. But personally, I like difference. In fact, I ADORE it. Your physique is so wonderfully varied! Your multitudinous rigid appendages, your tiny double eyes, your varied skin coloration, and the delightful patchwork of hair covering only parts of your bodies, leaving other parts bare and smooth! Mmmmmm!
I value your species, Captain. I see you as just 'people'... like us VUX.
((This path of conversation goes on, but I'm weirded out enough by now that I'm ready to change the subject.))
ZELNICK
We require the Shofixti Maidens. We are prepared to use force if necessary.
ZEX
Hee! Hee! Hee! Oh, Captain, that would be such an unfortunate mistake, a grave error on both our parts. We have so much to learn from each other, so much to give each other. It would be such a sad loss if were to fall back to the mindless blasting and killing that has marred our two species' relationship up to this point.
Admittedly, as THE acknowledged VUX military genius, I would find it interesting to fave your ONE powerful, alien starship with my huge personal fleet of Intruders, but oh! What a mistake it would be. Also... I think it only fair to warn you, Captain, that in my campaigns I collected many interesting items. Amongst these treasures is a Precursor artifact, a warp nullification field, that prevents nearby ships from making emergency HyperSpace maneuvers... from running away. I note by the scars on the rear of your vessel that you have made many such escapes.
So you see, Captain, if you attack me, you will face the greatest military tactician in VUX history, commanding an almost infinite number of enemy combat ships, and the battle will be to the Death! Surely we can find an alternative.
ZELNICK
What are you doing here, Admiral ZEX?
ZEX
Ah, such a good question! But you always were a bright species. I will explain.
After the Great War, in which I played some small part, the VUX high council, in recognition for my servicse, granted me this planet, so that I might pursue my... hobby, without disturbing the general VUX populace. I am a collector, you see. I have the finest menagerie of... beautiful... creatures in all space.
ZELNICK
A menagerie? Is this a collection of animals, like a zoo?
ZEX
Animals? Hee! Hee! Hee! Oh, no, Captain! Not mere animals! My menageries contains only the most... beautiful... creatures in the galaxy! Each of my children, as I like to call them, has a wonderful set of traits, which make them unique and special... especially to me! I have a complete variety of beasts from as far away as Procyon and Vega.
No, this is not just some 'zoo'! I have worked diligently for many years to craft my menagerie, to gradually improve it. Perhaps you can't tell, but I am rather proud of it!
Alas, there is one creature, one GORGEOUS animal which I do not yet possess. I would give almost ANTHING for that creature, Captain.
ZELNICK
If we went and got this little critter for you, would you give us the Shofixti Maidens?
ZEX
Hmmm... what an interesting proposal! I never would ahve thought of such a wonderful idea myself. You are a genius, Captain!
In answer to your question, yes! I accept your offer. Deliver the creature to me, and I shall give you the Shofixti Maidens. I will even provide you with a clue to finding the creature's native planet!
My source for this information is an ancient wildlife handbook, written millenia ago by some unknown alien author. THe pertinent passage goes as follows: '... demise, It(!) basks in yellow light within the constellation Linch-Nas-Ploh.'
We have trnaslated 'Linch-Nas-Ploh' to mean, approximately, 'the long-thin creature who has swallowed the huge beast'. I am afraid this is all that I know. I hope it is sufficient.
ZELNICK
Goodbye, Admiral ZEX.
ZEX
Goodbye, beautiful human. I hope we can meet someday as friends... perhaps even more.
A shower and a hasty retreat from the star system later, it's time to go monster hunting.
NEXT TIME: Monster hunting and a conclusive visit to Admiral Badtouch.
<< | ^^ | >>