![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Entry tags:
Let's Play The Ur-Quan Masters
<< | ^^ | >>
Chapter 3: Smells Like Sidequests
Part 4: Revolutions
April 6, 2156
This is our approximate next destination. It doesn't really matter quite where we go within that region of space, as long as we encounter the right aliens.
A few star systems later, I encounter my soon-to-be new friends!
THRADDASH
How wonderful! Someone new to fight! We, the Thraddash of Culture Nineteen -- famous Ur-Quan Combat Thralls, know well the value of a good fight. Either you win and prove your superiority, SNORT! Or you lose and are vanquished. If the vanquished is lucky, it may survive to learn an important lesson from its defeat. This is the way of the Thraddash! We fight and learn and improve! All other cultural schemes are inferior. This is a proven fact. What have you to say before we begin combat?
ZELNICK
Thraddash of Culture Nineteen: we sense a bit of hostility here. Why?
THRADDASH
Hostility! HARG! HARG! HARG! We are not 'hostile'. Hostility is unwarranted aggression! SNORT! If you want to know about hostility, let us tell you about Culture Twelve!
Culture Twelve was SO hostile that while they were on their way to their first great battle, Jugkah, the battlemaster, stepped on Gnusko the tactician's foot, causing him great pain. The annoyed Gnusko turned on his battlemaster, Jugkah, and sliced his body in half! This miffed Jugkah's troops who took it upon themselves to murder Gnusko and his elite troops. The REAL trouble started when the now-dead Jugkah's master sargeans Muuhd and Pudt started arguing about how to kill Gnusko -- simple crucifixion, or the slower 'Lead Tatoo' technique. The argument was resolved when Muuhd and his five hundred troops were slaughtered by Pudt and his gang.
Well, this probably all would have gone down in history as a great day of learning for Culture Twelve, were it not for the surprise arrival of Culture Twelve's original enemy, the Yajag and his cronies, who wiped out Culture Twelve's army, thus beginning the long and glorious Culture Thirteen. SNORT! Now THAT'S hostility! We, on the other hand, merely want to kill you.
ZELNICK
We wish nothing from you, save your friendship.
THRADDASH
Perhaps, after we have made you our slaves, we can accomodate your wishes. Until then...
ZELNICK
You are strong! We like strong! We be friends now, okay?
THRADDASH
We are strong. You are weak. and HARG! HARG! we HATE weak. We do not need weak friends! We only want slaves and teachers. Since you have nothing to teach us and refuse to be our slave, then you are our enemy. Such logic must be obvious even to a stupid being like yourself.
ZELNICK
We leave in peace.
THRADDASH
What? You leave before the lesson begins? We have so much to teach you! Let us show you just one thing, it's called the 'Surprise Attack'.
So the battle begins. The Thraddash ship is pretty frail, but it's also bastardically fast and leaves trails of superheated plasma behind it as its special ability. Without any homing weapons, it can be a pain to fight.
Fortunately, my Fusion Blasters can kill them in two hits.
This may not have seemed particularly productive, but they'll come around. I spend a lot of time following this wandering around, harvesting resources and killing lots of Thraddash. eventually...
THRADDASH
You have destroyed so many of us! We are humbled in your presence! We thought you were a weakling, a coward, a pitiful sniveling wimp. We were wrong, so wrong! WHIMPER! You have shown yourself superior to ourselves, indeed, even the Ur-Quan!
We wish to learn from you, this improving our Culture. Give us your wisdom, mighty Teacher! What is the secret to your success? Wait! I've got it! It's the way you respond to our hailing calls each time we meet! Just as they say, first impressions are SO important! So tell us, please! Tell us how WE should present ourselves.
ZELNICK
I know for a fact that rhyming in your introductions wins big points.
THRADDASH
Rhymes? Like in poetry? SNORT! Isn't that kind of... you know... not-tough stuff?
SNORT! What am I saying! Youa re the Great Teacher! You know best! If rhyming is necessary, then Teacher, we will be rhyming all the timing.
Now that we understand the nuances of introduction, Great Teacher, we have an even more significant question. Your devastation of our battle forces have shown us that our Culture Nineteen is inferior to your own. Therefore, we will adopt your methods, your techniques, but what shall we name our new Culture?
ZELNICK
The Glorious Slave Empire of Zelnick!
I think it is important that with this new direction, you decide on your new name.
THRADDASH
You are wise, Great Teacher. I will think long and hard on this matter. GRUNT! It must reflect the profound changes in our social order. GRUNT! It must clearly explain the nature of our civilization! GRUNT!
Yes! I have it! The perfect name is... Culture Twenty! We need to learn so much from you, such as... How should we act in our new Culture? What is our direction, our ethical base?
ZELNICK
Lighten up! Be kind of... you know... Wacky! Here, try watching these vids: Monty Python and the Marx Brothers.
THRADDASH
Wacky!...Wacky? I do not understand. We shall watch these vids of yours. We shall study them, to learn to be... wacky. Then, when we are wacky enough, we shall test our new wackiness in combat, to discover, no doubt, the great advantage it has given us. Thank you, Great Teacher. We have much work to implement these sweeping cultural changes.
Transferring from the allegiances and mores of one culture to another is a difficult and time-consuming task. We beg you, great warrior from Earth, give us time to make the changes you have suggested. Reeturn later to see our brave new world.
Another job well done. Time to go back to Earth for maintenance.
News from Hayes:
SUBJECT: Slylandro Probe Destruct Code Sequence.
DATA: This is a complex sequence of program instructions using an encryption sequence similar in some ways to the Rolling-Phung algorithm.
SUMMARY: When a Slylandro Probe approaches, open a hailing frequency, wait for a response, and then transmit the code.
All right, our ship is starting to turn into a real Ur-Quan killer.
One thing you might ntoice is that I have a mixture of Dynamo Units and Shiva Furnaces. I won't get into the math of this, but it's actually more efficient to do it this way than to go for all Shiva Furnaces. Also, one of our cargo modules has been tripped for a tracking module, and our primary Fusion Blaster has been upgraded into a Hellbore Cannon.
Incidentally, the Pkunk are on the move again. Am I going to stop them? No!
I pick up a Shofixti Scout and drop by the Melnorme to buy some fuel, then head to this little corner of space.
HISTORY TIME
I mentioned the Pkunk and their brother race, right? Well, they're who I'm going to meet now, the Yehat. Something to know is that the Shofixti were something of an adopted child race of the Yehat, who took them under their wing during the war. They were also quite put out when the Shofixti race was annihilated in self-sacrifice.
YEHAT
But, old ally, are ye not knowing that we, the Yehat, are allied with the Ur-Quan now? And yer presence outside the slave shield, and in an armed starship, are clear violations of your Oath of Fealty? Whatever shall we do? It just isn't a right thing to kill you, human, but as a loyal member of my Clan, I must obey the wishes of our Queen!
ZELNICK
By your honor, Yehat captain, I, Zelnick, master of the Vindicator, in the name of the New Alliance of Free Stars, call upon the Starship Clans to honor their word and fight for our cause!
YEHAT
As much as my heart cries to aid ye, valiant human, I cannot! Each of us is sworn first to our Queen, who has commanded us to treat ye as an enemy of the Crown!
ZELNICK
This may come as a shock, but the Shofixti are reborn.
YEHAT
If this is being a true thing, there will be many changes. But we are a species long wise in the ways of deceit. Ye must be proving these words ye say, Captain. Send the Shofixti to us as a way of proof.
ZELNICK
All right, I'll send over the Shofixti... but don't mess with him, okay?
YEHAT
We are scanning the separation of a vessel from yer fleet, Captain, and indeed, its configuration matches that of a Shofixti Scout vessel. This had better not be a trick, Captain! We are knowing the power of a Glory Device, and if you detonate the weapon near us, the price for you shall be dear, very dear.
The Scout has docked, and we await the pilot's appearance at the airlock. The atmosphere cycle is complete... the door slides open... and...
...IT IS TRUE!!! THE SHOFIXTI ARE ALIVE!!!
Look at that furred muzzle, those shining black eyes, the sweet claws! Our children have returned from oblivion!!
But now we are faced with the cruelest truth! We, who have sacrificed our honor! We, who have lain with the enemy! WE ARE NOT WORTHY! WE ARE NOTHING! We are less than nothing.
But wait! We are not Spathi. We are Yehat... OF THE STARSHIP CLANS! We will NOT live this lie any longer! Listen as I speak these words! If our Queen makes the dishonorable command... then it is THE QUEEN WHO HAS NO HONOR! And a dishonorable Queen is NO QUEEN AT ALL! We, the Zeep-Zeep, are the only Clan who remember the TRUE MEANING of honor... we shall TEAR THE QUEEN FROM HER THRONE! The two-thousand year reign of the Veep-Neep Queens IS OVER!
THE REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!
Hey, look, TWO circles for the Yehat! We've started a civil war, and I think that's enough for one entry, and enough for Chapter 3.
NEXT TIME: Starting wars for shits and giggles!
<< | ^^ | >>
Chapter 3: Smells Like Sidequests
Part 4: Revolutions
April 6, 2156
This is our approximate next destination. It doesn't really matter quite where we go within that region of space, as long as we encounter the right aliens.
A few star systems later, I encounter my soon-to-be new friends!
THRADDASH
How wonderful! Someone new to fight! We, the Thraddash of Culture Nineteen -- famous Ur-Quan Combat Thralls, know well the value of a good fight. Either you win and prove your superiority, SNORT! Or you lose and are vanquished. If the vanquished is lucky, it may survive to learn an important lesson from its defeat. This is the way of the Thraddash! We fight and learn and improve! All other cultural schemes are inferior. This is a proven fact. What have you to say before we begin combat?
ZELNICK
Thraddash of Culture Nineteen: we sense a bit of hostility here. Why?
THRADDASH
Hostility! HARG! HARG! HARG! We are not 'hostile'. Hostility is unwarranted aggression! SNORT! If you want to know about hostility, let us tell you about Culture Twelve!
Culture Twelve was SO hostile that while they were on their way to their first great battle, Jugkah, the battlemaster, stepped on Gnusko the tactician's foot, causing him great pain. The annoyed Gnusko turned on his battlemaster, Jugkah, and sliced his body in half! This miffed Jugkah's troops who took it upon themselves to murder Gnusko and his elite troops. The REAL trouble started when the now-dead Jugkah's master sargeans Muuhd and Pudt started arguing about how to kill Gnusko -- simple crucifixion, or the slower 'Lead Tatoo' technique. The argument was resolved when Muuhd and his five hundred troops were slaughtered by Pudt and his gang.
Well, this probably all would have gone down in history as a great day of learning for Culture Twelve, were it not for the surprise arrival of Culture Twelve's original enemy, the Yajag and his cronies, who wiped out Culture Twelve's army, thus beginning the long and glorious Culture Thirteen. SNORT! Now THAT'S hostility! We, on the other hand, merely want to kill you.
ZELNICK
We wish nothing from you, save your friendship.
THRADDASH
Perhaps, after we have made you our slaves, we can accomodate your wishes. Until then...
ZELNICK
You are strong! We like strong! We be friends now, okay?
THRADDASH
We are strong. You are weak. and HARG! HARG! we HATE weak. We do not need weak friends! We only want slaves and teachers. Since you have nothing to teach us and refuse to be our slave, then you are our enemy. Such logic must be obvious even to a stupid being like yourself.
ZELNICK
We leave in peace.
THRADDASH
What? You leave before the lesson begins? We have so much to teach you! Let us show you just one thing, it's called the 'Surprise Attack'.
So the battle begins. The Thraddash ship is pretty frail, but it's also bastardically fast and leaves trails of superheated plasma behind it as its special ability. Without any homing weapons, it can be a pain to fight.
Fortunately, my Fusion Blasters can kill them in two hits.
This may not have seemed particularly productive, but they'll come around. I spend a lot of time following this wandering around, harvesting resources and killing lots of Thraddash. eventually...
THRADDASH
You have destroyed so many of us! We are humbled in your presence! We thought you were a weakling, a coward, a pitiful sniveling wimp. We were wrong, so wrong! WHIMPER! You have shown yourself superior to ourselves, indeed, even the Ur-Quan!
We wish to learn from you, this improving our Culture. Give us your wisdom, mighty Teacher! What is the secret to your success? Wait! I've got it! It's the way you respond to our hailing calls each time we meet! Just as they say, first impressions are SO important! So tell us, please! Tell us how WE should present ourselves.
ZELNICK
I know for a fact that rhyming in your introductions wins big points.
THRADDASH
Rhymes? Like in poetry? SNORT! Isn't that kind of... you know... not-tough stuff?
SNORT! What am I saying! Youa re the Great Teacher! You know best! If rhyming is necessary, then Teacher, we will be rhyming all the timing.
Now that we understand the nuances of introduction, Great Teacher, we have an even more significant question. Your devastation of our battle forces have shown us that our Culture Nineteen is inferior to your own. Therefore, we will adopt your methods, your techniques, but what shall we name our new Culture?
ZELNICK
I think it is important that with this new direction, you decide on your new name.
THRADDASH
You are wise, Great Teacher. I will think long and hard on this matter. GRUNT! It must reflect the profound changes in our social order. GRUNT! It must clearly explain the nature of our civilization! GRUNT!
Yes! I have it! The perfect name is... Culture Twenty! We need to learn so much from you, such as... How should we act in our new Culture? What is our direction, our ethical base?
ZELNICK
Lighten up! Be kind of... you know... Wacky! Here, try watching these vids: Monty Python and the Marx Brothers.
THRADDASH
Wacky!...Wacky? I do not understand. We shall watch these vids of yours. We shall study them, to learn to be... wacky. Then, when we are wacky enough, we shall test our new wackiness in combat, to discover, no doubt, the great advantage it has given us. Thank you, Great Teacher. We have much work to implement these sweeping cultural changes.
Transferring from the allegiances and mores of one culture to another is a difficult and time-consuming task. We beg you, great warrior from Earth, give us time to make the changes you have suggested. Reeturn later to see our brave new world.
Another job well done. Time to go back to Earth for maintenance.
News from Hayes:
- The Shofixti have returned! Their ships can now be built in our shipyards. With their vast numbers swelling our ranks, we won't have to worry about running out of able-bodied crew, and I'm sure their volunteers will reduce the cost for new crew.
SUBJECT: Slylandro Probe Destruct Code Sequence.
DATA: This is a complex sequence of program instructions using an encryption sequence similar in some ways to the Rolling-Phung algorithm.
SUMMARY: When a Slylandro Probe approaches, open a hailing frequency, wait for a response, and then transmit the code.
All right, our ship is starting to turn into a real Ur-Quan killer.
One thing you might ntoice is that I have a mixture of Dynamo Units and Shiva Furnaces. I won't get into the math of this, but it's actually more efficient to do it this way than to go for all Shiva Furnaces. Also, one of our cargo modules has been tripped for a tracking module, and our primary Fusion Blaster has been upgraded into a Hellbore Cannon.
Incidentally, the Pkunk are on the move again. Am I going to stop them? No!
I pick up a Shofixti Scout and drop by the Melnorme to buy some fuel, then head to this little corner of space.
HISTORY TIME
I mentioned the Pkunk and their brother race, right? Well, they're who I'm going to meet now, the Yehat. Something to know is that the Shofixti were something of an adopted child race of the Yehat, who took them under their wing during the war. They were also quite put out when the Shofixti race was annihilated in self-sacrifice.
YEHAT
But, old ally, are ye not knowing that we, the Yehat, are allied with the Ur-Quan now? And yer presence outside the slave shield, and in an armed starship, are clear violations of your Oath of Fealty? Whatever shall we do? It just isn't a right thing to kill you, human, but as a loyal member of my Clan, I must obey the wishes of our Queen!
ZELNICK
By your honor, Yehat captain, I, Zelnick, master of the Vindicator, in the name of the New Alliance of Free Stars, call upon the Starship Clans to honor their word and fight for our cause!
YEHAT
As much as my heart cries to aid ye, valiant human, I cannot! Each of us is sworn first to our Queen, who has commanded us to treat ye as an enemy of the Crown!
ZELNICK
This may come as a shock, but the Shofixti are reborn.
YEHAT
If this is being a true thing, there will be many changes. But we are a species long wise in the ways of deceit. Ye must be proving these words ye say, Captain. Send the Shofixti to us as a way of proof.
ZELNICK
All right, I'll send over the Shofixti... but don't mess with him, okay?
YEHAT
We are scanning the separation of a vessel from yer fleet, Captain, and indeed, its configuration matches that of a Shofixti Scout vessel. This had better not be a trick, Captain! We are knowing the power of a Glory Device, and if you detonate the weapon near us, the price for you shall be dear, very dear.
The Scout has docked, and we await the pilot's appearance at the airlock. The atmosphere cycle is complete... the door slides open... and...
...IT IS TRUE!!! THE SHOFIXTI ARE ALIVE!!!
Look at that furred muzzle, those shining black eyes, the sweet claws! Our children have returned from oblivion!!
But now we are faced with the cruelest truth! We, who have sacrificed our honor! We, who have lain with the enemy! WE ARE NOT WORTHY! WE ARE NOTHING! We are less than nothing.
But wait! We are not Spathi. We are Yehat... OF THE STARSHIP CLANS! We will NOT live this lie any longer! Listen as I speak these words! If our Queen makes the dishonorable command... then it is THE QUEEN WHO HAS NO HONOR! And a dishonorable Queen is NO QUEEN AT ALL! We, the Zeep-Zeep, are the only Clan who remember the TRUE MEANING of honor... we shall TEAR THE QUEEN FROM HER THRONE! The two-thousand year reign of the Veep-Neep Queens IS OVER!
THE REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!
Hey, look, TWO circles for the Yehat! We've started a civil war, and I think that's enough for one entry, and enough for Chapter 3.
NEXT TIME: Starting wars for shits and giggles!
<< | ^^ | >>