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Let's Play Homestuck
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Act 5 Act 2: He Is Already Here.
Part 7: Legendary Piece of Shit
Link back to comic: Page 2793
Server acquired! Now, to connect to Jade and--
BOOF
JOHN: nanna, what the heck!!!
NANNASPRITE: Hoo hoo hoo!
NANNASPRITE: John, you remind me so much of your father when he was your age. He was just as easily bested by this crafty old prankstress!
JOHN: but nanna, did you know he is not really my dad? and also, i am not technically your grandson.
NANNASPRITE: Of course I knew this, John! I have known for many years.
NANNASPRITE: I have also known that in a sense, you are my father as well. You were the one to push all those buttons, after all!
JOHN: so where have you been, nanna? i have been looking all over for you.
NANNASPRITE: I have been looking for you too, dear! It seems you have been rising through the rungs of your echeladder quite swiftly.
JOHN: yeah!
JOHN: now i am an ectobiolo...
JOHN: ectobioblobabby sitter.
NANNASPRITE: Yes, that is quite high. You have climbed so much faster than I did in my youth. I am so proud of you!
NANNASPRITE: Here, John. Take this.
JOHN: ok. what is it?
NANNASPRITE: You can use it to summon me wherever you go.
NANNASPRITE: Now we needn't endure those long spells without a good visit!
NANNASPRITE: When was the last time you have eaten anything, young man??
JOHN: hmm, i guess it has been a good while!
NANNASPRITE: That is completely unacceptable.
NANNASPRITE: I will prepare you a healthy home cooked meal while you relax in your ghost bed and rescue your paradox sister.
JOHN: oh boy!
NANNASPRITE: Why, John! Do you hear that sound?
NANNASPRITE: It sounds as if your meal is nearly finished!
JOHN: really? already?
JOHN: naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!
NANNASPRITE: HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOO!
-- caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --
CA: wwho are you tryin to convvince wwith this ludicrous poppycock
CA: magic is NOT REAL
CA: so howw about you get off your high skyhorse
TT: Why do you keep addressing me as if I'm some sort of spokesperson for the reality of magic?
TT: Fine. You win.
TT: These are science wands. I am a charlatan.
CA: ok i didnt say that
CA: i think you wwear the role pretty wwell wwhich is somethin i can appreciate
CA: obvviously you got rich blood so maybe when you crash landed you wwerent recognized for it by wwhatevver vvehicle upholds the class structure in human society
TT: That is exactly what happened. You figured it out.
CA: see i got a lot a experience bein nobility so ill let you knoww if you got a shot in hell at cuttin it pinkscarf
CA: fakemage pinkscarf howw does that sound
TT: You're a complete idiot.
CA: see this is good i think this could be a good thing
CA: you obvviously hate me and i think i got it in me to get the dark propensities smolderin
CA: i think theres somethin there i mean look at howw you evven came into the wworld
CA: killed a fuckin fuck ton of marine life accidental
TT: Accidentally?
TT: Or on porpoise?
CA: hahahahaha see youre good wwith fish puns too i got so many a those you havve no idea
CA: i mean i dont mean to strike you as too forwwardsuch but are you seein wwhere im goin wwith this
TT: Oh, right. Alien romance, I forgot.
TT: Pass.
CA: look i understand you dont understand that kind of thing in your culture i get that
CA: but maybe i could teach you to get it
CA: yeah and in return maybe you could teach me howw to bullshit magic like that
TT: Sure. Let's begin.
TT: Consider this your first lesson in showmanship.
caligulasAquarium's [CA's] computer exploded.
-- apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --
AA: what d0 y0u think y0ure d0ing!
AA: just st0p
AA: st0p st0p st0p st0p st0p st0p
AA: maybe if i say st0p en0ugh s0mething else will happen instead 0f the thing that d0es
TT: Do you want me to stop using magic too?
AA: n0 i d0nt care ab0ut that
AA: its y0ur quest t0 tear y0ur sessi0n apart
AA: i kn0w its exciting
AA: but there are c0nsequences t0 hum0ring y0ur destructive impulses
TT: You sound frustrated.
TT: Like you know you can't change my mind.
AA: the kn0wing is the same as this elusive feeling 0f sickness thats been with me f0r years
AA: pr0bably since bef0re i died c0me t0 think 0f it
AA: i just wish
AA: back when i was behaving recklessly
AA: i had s0me0ne t0 tell me t0 st0p listening
TT: What did they tell you?
AA: i was assured i w0uld be saving my race
AA: which is maybe still true i d0nt kn0w
AA: y0u really d0nt understand anything yet d0 y0u
AA: what d0 y0u want with the s0urce 0f the first guardians
TT: Do you know about it?
TT: The sun?
AA: y0u cant p0ssibly wield its energy 0r put it t0 c0nstructive use
TT: How do you know that?
AA: n0!
AA: im thr0ugh with c0nsci0usly c0ntributing t0 inevitable 0utc0mes
AA: maybe the things i say will indirectly trigger y0ur critical acti0ns
AA: maybe n0t wh0 kn0ws
AA: maybe if i behave in a manner s0 rand0m
AA: parad0x space w0nt kn0w h0w t0 handle it!
AA: blah BL00P blee BLUH!@#$%^&*()_+
AA: didnt see that 0ne c0ming did y0u pspace??? + ?*rand(413^612)
AA: oh look and now i suddenly refuse to type zeroes in my sentences
AA: isnt that crazy! who thought that was even a possibility
AA: bslick never would have imagined THAT little vestibule of probability was tucked somewhere in his huge glistening blow sack
TT: O_O
AA: 0h w0w im sure y0u were just being faceti0us with that but y0u have n0 idea h0w funny that is right n0w
AA: y0u had n0 way 0f kn0wing thats a thing i d0 all the time but with zer0es
AA: maybe if i dig deep en0ugh int0 my circuitry and rer0ute all 0f my reserve p0wer thr0ugh my quantum based rand0m number generat0r i can pr0duce behavi0r s0 c0mpletely 0ff the wall that parad0x space will have n0 ch0ice but t0 change everything!
AA: maybe i will also rig my p0wer s0urce t0 the 0utc0me 0f the functi0n and rand0mly bl0w myself up!
AA: really*rand(rand(rand(rand(rand(0M)*0M)*0M)*0M)*0M) where 0M = s0me number drawn quite at rand0m fr0m 0ne 0f y0ur absurd human hats
AA: !~M~0~D~N~A~R
AA: g00dbye r0se
TT: Wait, don't go!
TT: You were actually interesting.
-- apocalypseArisen [AA] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --
-- arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --
AC: :33 < pst :oo
AC: :33 < sorry to bother you again!
AC: :33 < is
AC: :33 < um
AC: :33 < he available?
TT: What is the name of this mystery fellow you seek?
AC: :33 < aaaaa youre just teasing me now!
AC: :33 < i f33l bad about bugging you about it
AC: :33 < but do you think you could purrhaps please spare your computer for just the most fl33ting of moments?
AC: :33 < i miss pounce a lot :((
AC: :33 < and talking to him reminds me of her
TT: I think I have a more permanent solution.
TT: I mean purrmanent.
You give Jaspersprite your old laptop. You won't be needing it anymore.
ROSE: Jaspers, I am releasing you now.
ROSE: You are free to go do as you please.
JASPERSPRITE: Really rose ok if thats what you want i will go do that.
JASPERSPRITE: Did you learn to play the rain rose?
ROSE: It's a little complicated, but I believe I've embarked on another quest, one which surpasses the scope of the objectives local to this planet.
ROSE: I'm saying there's something more important to accomplish now. Something more important than creating a universe.
JASPERSPRITE: Oh thats ok rose i wouldnt want you to feel obligated to do that.
JASPERSPRITE: But i really think you should consider going on the quest i said anyway!
JASPERSPRITE: I dont know i hope im not being too pushy rose its not my place to be im just your cat!
JASPERSPRITE: But the thing that made me how i am now seems to really want me to say this to you.
JASPERSPRITE: Your quest is really important for you to do.
JASPERSPRITE: Not really because thats how to get the prize.
JASPERSPRITE: But because its what you need to do for yourself!
ROSE: I see. I promise I will consider it seriously then.
JASPERSPRITE: I love you rose! I always have even when you were a little girl and i was an alive cat.
ROSE: Thanks, Jaspers, that's nice to hear.
ROSE: See you, Jaspers!
-- terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling truntechGodhead [TG] --
TC: AlRiGhT My pInKeSt oF MoThErFuCkIn sTaR MoNkEyS
TC: ArE YoU ReAdY
TC: To gEt tHe hOrNs yOu dOnT HaVe
TC: CoNfIsCaTeD AlL LiKe tHe mOtHeRfUcKiN HoNkTrAbAnD ThEy aRe
TC: AnD ThEn
TC: HaNdEd aT RiGhT BaCk tO YoU?
TG: what
TC: I SuPpLy tHe hOrNs tOwArD YoU, mEtApHoRiCaLlY SpEaKiNg
TC: ThAt's kInD Of a tRoLl mEtApHoR
TC: YoU GeTtInG YoUr hOrNs aLl hAnDeD To yOu, If yOu pEePs aNaToMiCaLlY WeRe sUcH To bE LiKe tHaT
TC: DoInG ThAt's tO MeAn lIkE YoU GoT MoThErFuCkIn sAsSeD OuT
TC: Im lIkE DoInG
TC: A DoUbLe mEtApHoR AlL ThE WaY
TC: AcRoSs sKaIa :o)
TG: oh god thats right
TG: you were the best troll
TG: in the most ironic and hilarious ways possible
TC: ShIt, I MuSt hAvE GoT To nOt rEmEmBeRiNg tHiS SoMeHoW
TG: you did your bizarrely oblivious juggalo thing
TG: then bitched and moaned at me for ruining your religion or some horseshit
TG: and we both proceeded to have one of the best rap-offs in the history of paradox space
TC: I MoSt sUrElY wOuLd gEt mY ReMeMbEr oN FoR A BiTcHtItS TiMe hAd lIkE ThAt
TC: My mInD'S NoT ThAt sHaRp nOw tHoUgH, iT'S BeEn aGeS SiNcE I HaD A GoOd pIe
TG: could be time shit
TC: I DoN'T GeT TiMe
TC: I WaSn't tHe dUdE Of tImE
TC: I WaS ThE
TC: ThE MoThErFuCkIn
TC: BaRd oF
TC: FuCk
TC: I FoRgOt :o(
TG: dude i was telling you
TG: youve got to check this out
TG: trust me itll lift your spirits shit will all make sense to you finally
TC: Oh, MaN
TC: ThIs sOuNdS AmAzInG, i cAn't sEe hOw i wOuLdN'T Be aLl kIcKiNg tHe wIcKeD ShIt oUt Of sUcH KiNdS Of oPpOrTuNiTiEs
TG: and also why your planet has faygo for some baffling reason
TG: actually no nevermind it doesnt explain that
TG: that still makes no damn sense
TG: the thing youre looking for
TG: your dark clownish salvation or whatever the fuck
TG: your mirthful messiahs
TG: ahahahaha i cant even type that without lmao
TG: anyway theyre here dude
TG: check it out
TG: http://tinyurl.com/MoThErFuCkInMiRaClEs
TC: :oO
This is
Motherfuckin
-- centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling truntechGodhead [TG] --
CT: D --> I'm attempting to determine what it is that ranks humans in their class stru%ure
CT: D --> I'd assumed the color of your b100d would serve as the basis for placement in the hierarchy, as would be e%pected and natural, but I was mistaken
CT: D --> I was similarly in error believing the color of what you type corresponds with the color of your b100d
TG: on earth class is sorted out by who can drop the most delirious flow
CT: D --> So, in other words, a sort of b100d letting ritual
CT: D --> To assess whose pulse is steadiest and thus whose flow is the most STRONG
TG: verbal pulse
TG: rap battles
TG: the kings of wordtech ascend to godhood and look down on us patriarchally like urban watermarks in the sky
TG: this is like
TG: our religion man
TG: til the rapocalypse happened
TG: i still believe though
TG: in my heart so long as it keeps thumping the righteous beat
TG: subwoofing out devotion every which way
TG: that he will come
TG: our savior
TG: was foretold hed come after meteors show up to drop it like its hot
CT: D --> I believe
CT: D --> That this is probably nonsense
CT: D --> Your race makes a habit of deception, and I will not tolerate it
CT: D --> I command that all verbal misdire%ion and hoofbeastplay will cease during my communications, is that understood
TG: if youre gonna spit that kind of bravado at me im just saying put it in rhyme
TG: lets hear what you got tooly mcsnoothole
CT: D --> My poems are private
TG: deprivatize them
TG: take whatevers in there
TG: that brorage lust youre feelin
TG: turn that bitch inside out like a broke ass millionaires pockets
CT: D --> Yes
CT: D --> Those are the sorts of assertive statements which could get me
CT: D --> Flowing
TG: weird but alright
TG: you sound wound up
TG: but my gears are airtight
TG: steer clear a the seer and the knight if youre scared of unfair fights
TG: youll drop like the staircase impaired, seein em spareds a fair fuckin rare sight
TG: for poor eyes like that millionaire whos pockets i mocked earlier
TG: hes paradoxically me but richer and surlier
TG: broke as his sword before his stock picks skyrocketed
TG: worth more than all the chests lockpicked and gold croc bricks and boonbucks i pickpocketed
CT: D --> Perhaps it's that it's martial tacti% that matter for status. Unless you redact this
CT: D --> I'd hazard in practice that it's a glass of what's lactic that would impact this
CT: D --> Pragmatic to presume? A human metric for grandness stands on fondness in honest
CT: D --> For wanton aplomb with strapping song smithing, ripping sonnets of STRONGNESS
TG: still no clue what this shit means but keep going
CT: D --> But perhaps
CT: D --> To divine class divides in unclassified swine is butchering time
CT: D --> Your fauna I find requires too little strength to savage in rhyme
CT: D --> I fear inferiors have monopolized my highest priorities
CT: D --> Let's eschew crude inferiors, pursue nude superiorities
CT: D --> Review z001ogical peculiarities, great stalking enormities
CT: D --> Fle%ing in unison, baying at moons within fraternal sororities
TG: what the fuck
CT: D --> Connect blows to discover, how invincible pecs are
CT: D --> Venture low to uncover, his inimitable nectar
TG: oh god
TG: ok stop
CT: D --> Should song serve to placate one
CT: D --> And fortune holds he lactate some
CT: D --> STRONG hands tugging teat make great ambrosia collectors
TG: ok maybe youre actually the worst troll
TG: im thinking none of that was actually ironic that was all pretty straightup wasnt it
TG: god dammit
TG: fuckin piece of shit sword
TG: wont goddamn budge probably useless anyway
CT: D --> It 100ks to be a legendary weapon
TG: its a legendary piece of shit
CT: D --> Giving up on the treasure so easily
CT: D --> It strikes me as an artifact rooted in universal lore of nobility
CT: D --> Such weapons require finesse to operate
CT: D --> And surely in this case, to retrieve without damaging
TG: ok im kinda starting to wonder why youre bugging me now
CT: D --> E%cessive force will shatter such weapons
CT: D --> You like myself are unfortunately limited in the weaponry you may wield
CT: D --> Ironically the training which has ennobled you beyond others has made instruments of high b100d brittle in your hands
TG: what did you go around breaking a bunch of swords too
CT: D --> Bows
TG: how the fuck do you even wield a broken bow
TG: did you go around clubbing shit with the two halves
CT: D --> Sometimes
CT: D --> What are you doing
TG: bow down before your new king bitch
CT: D --> I think
CT: D --> I need
CT: D --> Something to dry myself off with
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling truntechGodhead [TG] --
GC: D4V3 GR34T N3WS!
GC: 1 FOUND 4 DR4W1NG T4BL3T
TG: ok
TG: lets see some fine art then
GC: WHY 1T JUST SO H4PP3NS TH4T 1 H4V3 4 FR3SH M4ST3RP13C3 FOR YOU
GC: TSSSSSSSSSSSSSS http://tinyurl.com/D4V3XD4V3
TG: ok that
TG: is every bit as shitty as all your other drawings
TG: i like it though you dont gotta improve
TG: art skills are overrated
TG: its kind of weird though what the hell is actually going on here
GC: 1T 1S TH3 COM1C R3PR3S3NT4T1ON OF TH3 N3XT L3G OF YOUR WOND3RFUL JOURN3Y
TG: yeah
TG: but
TG: why
TG: i mean even if that made sense which it kind of doesnt
TG: karkat was saying how it was all a game and youre just flirtin and stuff
GC: OH, 1S TH4T WH4T H3 S41D???
GC: HMM 1 WOND3R 1F H3 COULD R33K OF J34LOUSY 4NY MOR3 PUNG3NTLY
TG: well yeah thats what i thought too
TG: so is that whats going on
TG: is this some weird game involving flirtation and assassinations or whatever
GC: M444444YB3...
GC: SH33SH!
GC: YOU 4ND H1M 4R3 4L1K3 1N SOM3 W4YS
GC: R34LLY BLUNT 4ND L1T3R4L M1ND3D
GC: 1T T4K3S TH3 FUN OUT OF 3V3RYTH1NG!
TG: thats pretty much the most insulting thing possible to say im anything like that raving gulf of shit
GC: W3LL OK 1M SORT OF 3X4GG3R4T1NG
GC: K4RK4T W4S 4LW4YS TORM3NT3D BY H1S P4ST 4ND FUTUR3 S3LV3S
GC: 4ND TH31R M1ST4K3S
GC: L1T3R4LLY TORM3NT3D BY TH3M 1N TH3S3 4BSURD SCH1ZOPHR3N1C M3MOS
TG: wow ok what does that have to do with me
GC: YOU 4R3 4LW4YS G3TT1NG B41L3D OUT OF J4MS
GC: 4T F1RST BY YOUR BRO
GC: 4ND TH3N BY YOUR OWN FUTUR3 S3LV3S!
GC: WH3N DO3S PR3S3NT D4V3 G3T TO ST3P OUT OF TH3 SH4DOW OF 4LL THOS3 FUTUR3 D4V3S??
TG: fuck who cares
TG: like i even give a shit about being a hero whatever that even means
TG: im not seeing the problem here future me is awesome he can bail me out if he wants
GC: BUT DONT WORRY, ON3 D4Y YOU W1LL G3T TO T4K3 YOUR TURN 4S H3RO!
GC: 4ND ON3 D4Y
GC: YOU W1LL T4K3 OFF THOS3 DUMB GL4SS3S 4ND L3T M3 G3T 4NOTH3R SN1FF 4T YOUR 3Y3S
TG: hey look at this change of subject going down
TG: about this comic
TG: are you saying im about to fall asleep
GC: Y3S
GC: YOU DROP SUDD3NLY 4ND SW1FTLY, L1K3 4N 3X3CUT3D F3LON F4C1NG N4PPY JUST1C3
TG: i dont feel tired
TG: could be rose waking me up again
TG: bonkin me with yarn or some shit
TG: so i guess i have to summon davesprite too
GC: Y3S
GC: WH3N YOU 4R3 4SL33P, SOON 4 HORD3 OF V3RY POW3RFUL MONST3RS W1LL 3M3RG3 FROM TH3 RU1NS
GC: TO D3F3ND TH3 TR34SUR3 YOU H4V3 STOL3N
TG: ok see ya
DAVE: sup
DAVESPRITE: hey
DAVESPRITE: oh looks like you got caledfwlch
DAVE: is that how you pronounce that
DAVE: is this thing as pointless as i think it is or do i need it for something
DAVESPRITE: tactically yeah its a downgrade since its what i used to make caledscratch which is obviously way better
DAVE: fuck it ill just power through the rest of the game with the SORD.....
DAVESPRITE: hahahaha
DAVESPRITE: with unreal air as a mount fit for a true artifact knight
DAVESPRITE: did that shit ever land or what
DAVE: dude its long gone
DAVE: up in skaia now or something
DAVESPRITE: top priority make more
DAVE: so why wasnt this legendary pos in the sylladex you gave me
DAVESPRITE: it was stolen
DAVESPRITE: by one of hephaestus's minions
DAVESPRITE: hes a pretty ornery dude
DAVESPRITE: kept raving about how he was waiting for the forge to come
DAVE: whats the forge
DAVESPRITE: volcano
DAVE: huh
DAVESPRITE: anyway that sword
DAVESPRITE: its important to getting your shit figured out
DAVESPRITE: you were supposed to break it to get it out of the thing
DAVESPRITE: like another personal sort of mythological milestone you were supposed to clear
DAVE: there was no other way to get it out
DAVE: thats kind of retarded
DAVESPRITE: maybe if john was to try with his pure heart and shit it woulda popped out like a champagne cork and fuckin hero confetti woulda blasted him in the face
DAVESPRITE: but you
DAVESPRITE: we
DAVESPRITE: we had to break it
DAVESPRITE: theres a lot more i know about your quest
DAVESPRITE: but i think ill spare you all that crap
DAVESPRITE: cause its kind of boring
DAVE: so hey
DAVE: apparently im about to fall asleep
DAVE: monsters will show up soon and try to eat my sleeping corpse
DAVESPRITE: yeah they werent too happy with my reckless indiana jones bullshit either
DAVESPRITE: i got your back dude dont worry
DAVE: guess ill make myself comfortable here
DAVESPRITE: when you wake up
DAVESPRITE: ill probably get going
DAVESPRITE: go do my own thing
DAVESPRITE: after this i dont think youll need me
DAVE: where will you go
DAVESPRITE: see if i can catch up with bro maybe
DAVE: where do you think he is
DAVESPRITE: who knows
DAVE: ok good luck with that
DAVESPRITE: thanks man
N8p time.
DAVESPRITE: caw caw motherfuckers
NEXT CHAPTER: Jade does things!
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no subject
Um, let's see... Dave driving Gamzee crazy was pretty funny, and Nanna is kind of awesome. But that moment with Jaspers was... I'm not sure. Sweet and sad? Ominous?
no subject
The style (generally called "Hussienasty" by the fans) shows up occasionally from here on, but he gets better at drawing it.